“How do you do it all?” My friend sipped her coffee and looked at me somewhat anxiously.

“Ummmm…I don’t!!!” Sheesh. Where did she get that idea? But she insisted I share some of my “secrets.”

I’ve been reluctant to tout myself as some sort of “expert” in time management. There are so many people out there who do it better, prettier, neater than I do.

But maybe you don’t need a perfect example. If you’d like a realistic, messy one, you’re in the right place.

Be warned: I am a struggling, lose-my-mind kind of mama just like many of us are. I don’t believe in perfect systems, I rely heavily on grace, and I have to constantly fight my perfectionism.

But I also know that there are some fantastic time management strategies and systems that really help.

So, because I’m actually pretty geeked about staying on top of things and because so many have asked, here are the best of the best tips I’ve got. If you’re not a “natural” at this, don’t worry. Good time management is a skill you can learn.

(Note: there is a lot packed in here, so be sure to pin for later if you don’t have time now.)

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Starting with Your Why

Someone wise once told me: Your schedule shouldn’t run you. You should run your schedule.

That seems reasonable enough.

One of the biggest reasons moms get into a time management rut is because it feels like everything is out of control. And in truth, it is.

If you regularly find yourself bouncing from obligation to obligation, with barely any time to breathe—let alone think—it may be a sign that you need to reassess your why:

• Why are you saying yes to commitments that drain you and your family?
• Why don’t you have any time to connect with God, your husband or _________?
• Are you really making the most of every opportunity (Ephesians 5:16)? Or are you just letting every open opportunity get filled?

Most of us have at least a general idea about what’s important. I bet if you sat down and thought about it, your priorities wouldn’t be hard to identify. But if things like God and quality time with your kids and community are important—and your schedule isn’t reflecting those priorities—then something is off.

I recommend taking regular time (personally, I prefer quarterly) to sit down and think about your why. Do it for yourself as well as with your family, to the extent you’re able. And then, record it. Here are some ways you can try:

• Write a family mission statement.
• Create a vision board.
• Pick just one word.

Whatever you do, keep it simple and keep it visual. I post my word of the year in my kitchen where I see it daily. Otherwise, it will get lost and lose its meaning.

Exploring Your Planning Personality

One of the reasons I have a hard time teaching others about time management is because everyone is so different. What makes me tick may give you a panic attack. Perhaps coming up with a word of the year makes you want to scream.

I think it’s helpful and healthy to know what does make you excited. Checklists? Accountability? Giant paper planners the size of an old encyclopedia? Really cool apps? Freedom and flexibility?

Some people find security in having every task and every second of the day accounted for, while others need a lot of breathing room. Some are self-motivated, others need external accountability, while for others it depends on the moment and the task at hand.

Sometimes you don’t know until you experiment.

I’ve found The Four Tendencies framework extremely helpful in exploring what motivates people, which you can read more about here: How to Be Motivated: The Four Tendencies from a Biblical Perspective

Reading People by Anne Bogel is another very approachable way to look at personality types if you want to explore other frameworks including Meyers-Briggs and Enneagram.

Personality psychology is a fun rabbit-hole for me, but don’t let it overwhelm you. Even if you know a couple of basic tendencies in your personality, that can help tremendously when it comes to time management. Let your unique traits work for you, not against you, and give yourself permission to function differently than other people do.

Yes, Goal-Setting is Worth the Effort

Do you set goals? It can seem like a somewhat frivolous task, especially if you’re the type of person who sets New Year’s resolutions and then promptly forgets about them.

Related post: Goal-Setting: 5 Grace-Filled Hacks for the Lazy Mom

But goal-setting is an integral piece to an effective time management strategy because it’s a tangible way to prioritize your “whys.” For example, if you want to grow closer in your marriage, setting some goals about how you want to grow can carry you from intention to execution.

A lot of the experts recommend the “S.M.A.R.T.” goal system:

• Specific: Goals shouldn’t be vague but detailed, including who, what, where, when and why.
• Measurable: The more you can quantify your goal, the better: for, example, saving a certain amount of money.
• Achievable: While it’s good to push yourself, goals should be something you can reach in the near future.
• Relevant: Don’t just set goals because that’s what you should do. Only set goals that are directly related to you whys.
• Time-Bound: As much as possible, work with a deadline, ideally within a year of when you set your goal. If you don’t meet the deadline you can adjust later.

I know, I know, it feels a little “businessy.” But this approach can be really helpful in your personal life.

If it feels a little overwhelming walking through this process on your own, there are a lot of resources available, including a mini goal-setting workbook in my free resource collection.

I also enjoy PowerSheets from the Cultivate What Matters shop. This is a beautiful workbook that I keep on my kitchen counter and refer to frequently to stay focused.

 

Budgeting Your Time as a Precious Resource

Until fairly recently, I was often frustrated with this sentiment: There just aren’t enough hours in a day to get everything done!

It was humbling to consider that the problem was not, in fact, with the order of the universe. Rather, the problem rested with my own discontent, lack of focus and poor boundaries and self-discipline.

Yeah. Ouch.

But the playing field is level for everyone. We all get 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, no matter who we are, where we’re from or what we do.

And while we can’t control all of our circumstances, we can control how we respond to them—specifically how we spend our time.

You probably know you should budget your money, but do you think of your time in this way? Money is tricky because we’re all working with different amounts. Time is a lot more predictable.

I find it most helpful to budget my time each week with a method called “time-blocking.” It’s something most of us do anyway without even thinking about it. If you have an appointment every Monday at 3 p.m., you’re essentially blocking out that time.

Do you similarly block out time for things that aren’t hard appointments but need to get done? Simple things like:

• Grocery shopping
• Cleaning
• Meal preparation
• Laundry
• Time in transit

The key to making time-blocking effective is actually writing it down and making it visual. You can do this electronically or on paper.

If this process sounds overwhelming or you’re not sure where to start, I’ve found a 7-day time log to be very helpful in highlighting where each hour of the day can go. Once you track your time for a week, you’ll know how to adjust it in the coming weeks. (The printable worksheet below is also available my resource collection.)

You can also see an example of time-blocking in How to Rock Your Schedule.

Task Management

There’s a modern parable about a professor who demonstrated to his students how to fill a jar with rocks efficiently. You add the large stones first, and then the smaller stones and sand will fit in the empty spaces.

The same principle works with time. If you put your big “rocks” into your schedule first, you can then fill in the less important ones wherever they will fit.

Prioritizing tasks is where many of us slip up in day to day time management. This can especially feel like the case if you spend a lot of your time “putting out fires”—responding to your kids, replying to messages, and generally trying to prevent all the balls from falling.

It can feel impossible to stay on top of things, let alone get ahead and working towards your goals. Many moms find their to-do lists defeating because they tend to grow instead of shrink (and they rarely disappear!).

I think it’s important to keep a “to-do” list of what you want to accomplish, but it should be a tool that empowers instead of discouraging you.

There are a few of tricks I use that make my to-do list less guilt-inducing:

• Break your tasks down into categories. I personally have five: home, work, family, home and personal. This feels a lot less overwhelming when I can see that I’m balancing these different areas.
• Identify one or two top priorities each day. You’re not going to get to everything, so just focus on something. Be proud of yourself when you complete it.
• Rewrite your tasks regularly. I rewrite a fresh to-do list each week. This helps me keep focused and rethink about what’s really important. I rarely finish my whole list from the previous week, but when I don’t transfer an item from one week to the next, it helps me see that it really wasn’t that important to begin with.

Habits, Routines and Anchors

Did you know that about 40 percent of what you do is done unconsciously out of habit? (Source.) It’s the reason you can mindlessly do things like brushing your teeth or driving to the same place while having your train of thought on something else.

Building habits is one of the secret tools to effective time management. The fewer mental calories you have to expend, the more productive you’re going to be.

That’s why it’s important to build high priority activities into your schedule at the same time each day or week. I personally have to work out and have my quiet times in the morning. Otherwise they just don’t happen.

Habit tracking can be an effective way to introduce a new habit into your daily life. There’s a modern legend about how Jerry Seinfeld wrote a joke every single day and kept track of this habit my marking an X on his calendar. His vision was to not “break the chain” of X’s. Writing a joke every day doesn’t guarantee a comedian’s success, and to my knowledge, Seinfeld never verified this story. But if it is true, it certainly didn’t hurt his chances!

For the same reason, routines are very powerful. In particular, the process you go through each morning sets the tone of your whole day. If your life feels like a mess, start getting it together by creating a more intentional morning routine. I highly recommend Crystal Paine’s e-course, Make Over Your Mornings, if you want a step-by-step walk through how to do that.

In addition to daily habits and routines, the concept of regular anchors in your schedule is a powerful way to better manage your family’s time and fit in those high priorities.  An anchor is something you and your family practice on a regular basis, intentionally, beyond just daily maintenance. Some of the weekly anchors in my life include family night, a date with my husband, one-on-one time with one of the kids, and a day of rest.

Related post: 5 Benefits of a Weekly Family Night

Being Realistic and Giving Yourself Grace

Having said all this so far, I wanted to pause and offer a little reminder to all of my fellow control freaks out there…

Being a mom is time-consuming, no matter what your other responsibilities are. For some reason, a lot of moms feel pressure to be ideal caregivers while also running a home, supporting the family part-time or full-time, being great wives and faithful Christians, and staying sane.

I recently spent a week with my younger sister, who has two toddlers at her feet. She apologized for not being able to help more with dishes and I had to laugh at her—she absolutely had not extra time for dishes because her kids were too demanding and took priority. I was happy to be the primary washer of dishes, as I’ve graduated from that mind-numbing stage with my own kids.

We hate this, but as moms, sometimes we have to let certain expectations go and accept grace.

Plan your day…and then let it go, because it’s probably not going to go that way. And it’s okay. Remember, you schedule is not your master. You are the master of your schedule. And more importantly, God is your master. He sees it all, and frankly I don’t think he cares how many items you checked off your to-do list. Take each day as it comes, take credit for what you did accomplish (it was probably a lot!), and let tomorrow worry about itself (Matthew 6:24).

Related post: 11 Bible Verses to Banish Mommy Guilt

The feeling of busyness ebbs and flows with seasons. Sometimes schedules are more demanding at certain times of the calendar year, and you need to let go of cramming everything in. And sometimes the demands are for entire life seasons, like when you have an infant or toddler, an illness, or other long-term challenge.

Be aware, aim to be patient, and adjust your expectations accordingly.

If you fall of the wagon of being organized with your time, it’s okay. Whether it’s for a day, a week, a month or more, you can always pick up where you left off. In fact, having a good system in place prevents you from derailing as hard as you might without it. Time management strategies are there to help you, not make you feel bad about yourself or cause anxiety. 

Discovering Your Favorite Planning Tools

This is the part that can be overwhelming but also fun: discovering which planning system works for you.

Up until a couple of years ago, my planning system was pretty messy. I had a wall calendar and a bunch of notecards on my kitchen counter, on which I would write everything from phone messages to grocery lists.

I’ve since discovered that there are much more efficient ways to do things!

Most of the “planners” you find in office supply stores are simply calendars with flowers printed on them, perhaps with a section for notes or phone numbers. This system is so obsolete—that’s what smartphones are for!

A high-quality, functional planner is so much more than a calendar. A calendar helps you not forget appointments, but a functional planning system will help with the following:

• Brainstorming
• Goal-setting
• Daily time blocking
• Task management
• Assessment
• Habit tracking

I personally find a lot of value in writing things down with pen and paper—it helps your brain process and retain what you’re planning, which is an important part of effective time management.

I’ve used a variety of planning tools, and currently I use a weird hybrid I sort of invented.

As I mentioned above, I use PowerSheets to help me brainstorm, prioritize and set goals. This workbook helps me set and reassess goals every month, as well as annually and quarterly.

I also use my Google Calendar as a way to track all of my appointments, as well as share them with friends and family as needed. Frankly, while I like writing things down on paper, my phone is convenient and won’t forget things as much as I will.

For task management, I loosely follow a bullet journal system. I like it because I can do it exactly the way I want to; plus I have a very small journal that I can fit into my wallet.

This is proof that it doesn’t have to be pretty in order to work!

At the beginning of each week, I write out tasks for different priorities in my life in my journal. On the busiest weeks I use a highlighter to prioritize which are most important. Every day I revisit my weekly task list and mark off items.

Next to my task list, I sketch out a time block calendar for the week. This is especially helpful when I’m really busy because it helps me visualize where I’m going to fit in my high priority tasks.

I’ve been experimenting with planners for a while now, and this is the system that works best for me. As I mentioned above, knowing your personality is helpful in determining the best system for you.

The very first planner I tried that helped me tremendously was the Living Well Planner, which contains a lot of the tools that will help you manage your tasks effectively.

Cutting Out Excess and Time-Wasters

So far I’ve talked about what to fit in to your schedule, but I’ve left out a very important piece: what to cut out.

You can’t do everything. Nor should you. This is the tough reality that I wrestle with every day.

If you know your whys and set goals, hopefully it will be clearer to you what makes the top of the list and what doesn’t. The tough part is taking action…and getting comfortable with saying “no.”

When you go over your schedule, fill in your top priorities first. Then be realistic about what time is left. Do you honestly have the space to add that extra sport or meeting or commitment? If not, give yourself permission to cut it out. It’s excess, and probably better left off the agenda.

It’s also worth mentioning that if you’re not careful, you can fill up your days with time-wasters that aren’t planned. How often do things like your smartphone and Netflix binging eat up your time? Again, a time log can highlight when you’re most likely to waste your precious time on things that aren’t high priorities.

Related post: 20 Strategies to Break Social Media Addiction.

Planning to Plan

Having a great planning system is all well and good, but it’s pretty useless if you don’t make the time to use it properly!

One of the most critical time management strategies is planning to plan. And planning might take more time than you think.

I personally set aside time (anchors, if you will) daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly and annually to assess my priorities and goals, manage my tasks and structure my daily schedule. Here’s a breakdown of what that looks like:

• Daily: 5 minutes to go over my task list and time block when I’m going to fit certain tasks in.
• Weekly: 30 minutes reassess my priorities and tasks for the week and sketch out a time block of my schedule.
• Monthly: 1–2 hours to assess the previous month, look at my goals and prioritize what I want to accomplish in the coming month.
• Quarterly: 1 or more hours to glance at “big picture” vision, adjust, narrow down what I want to focus on for 90 days.
• Annually: Several hours, possible over several days, to take time in reflection about long-term vision and goals, plan for the year.

While I do much of this as an individual using my PowerSheets, I often include my husband in the conversation, as I’m not flying solo here. More and more I’m also including the kids, particularly at monthly meetings, so they know why we do what we do.

Building Your Life Around Rest

Pay attention now; this might be the most important thing you read in this whole article.

For far too long in my own life, I made the mistaking of “fitting in” most of my self-care around my schedule, whenever I had time to spare (i.e. rarely). The result, unsurprisingly, was a burnt-out, exhausted, cranky mama who did lots of things, but few of them well.

It took me awhile to understand rest the way God intended it. Rest (Sabbath) is at the core of the Creation story and has been a consistent theme throughout the biblical narrative. It’s not an add-on; rest comes first.

Related post: Feeling Overwhelmed? Choose Rest for a More Peaceful Life

This means a whole new way of looking at the way I manage the time in my week. Am I putting my relationship with God and my spiritual health first? (Hopefully this is reflected in my vision and goals.) This goes beyond having Bible study; this means building my life around biblical rest for my whole self.

I created a toolkit, with a handy-dandy self-care checklist, that explores biblical rest if you’re interested in learning more. Trust me, if you’re new to this, it can be the most powerful change you can make to manager your time well.

I have a full e-course about the power of Sabbath as well, called Choose Rest

Now it’s your turn: do you manage your time well as a mom? Would you add any tips? What changes could you make to be better at time management?

When I asked my readers what they needed the most help with when it comes to motherhood, one word that came through time and again was clear:

Balance.

“Balance between work and home.”

“Balance between being a wife and mom.”

“Balance as a wife, mom, homemaker and just being myself.”

“Balancing my time with God with all of the other demands.”

“Balancing it all and not burning out!”

I get it. Adulting is hard.

I think a lot of us have the myth in our heads about the “perfectly balanced woman.” She is always perfectly present and pleasant for her family, runs a tight ship of a home, always pleases her husband and of course does her work flawlessly and on time. Not to mention she is super-spiritual, has memorized the whole Bible and leads her joyful, obedient children in prayer throughout the day.

Mrs. Perfect probably runs a business while homeschooling 17 kids. And she never gets sick because of her all-natural medicine cabinet and fully stocked kitchen of organic whole foods and supplements. She also works out every day.

I might be getting carried away…but maybe not. You tell me.

There’s probably someone out there doing at least one of those things better than you. When you’re unable to keep up with that standard, does it make you feel…out of balance?

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The Need to Compare

Hopefully you’re aware that comparison with other humans rarely ends well, and that this wife/mother/homemaker journey (and life in general) is a grace-filled path. So you know that, of course, no one is expecting you to be perfect.

Coming from a thoroughbred perfectionist, Ennegream 1 to the core, let me tell you: that mental shift towards grace is waaaaay easier said than done. I think many of us are drawn toward a standard to live up to. It’s kind of the way we’re wired.

What if there was a better role model than our puffed up view of our neighbor about how to be a realistically balanced woman? Maybe someone biblical?

Enter: Proverbs 31 woman.

Now, if you’re about to click away because that notorious chapter of Proverbs makes you feel inadequate and bad about yourself, then I want you to go ahead and click over to 10 Myths About the Proverbs 31 Woman and get those notions out of your head.

You good? Okay, let’s talk about her.

I personally don’t believe she was a literal living and breathing person; it’s more helpful to think about the principles her character upheld, as is true with the rest of the book of Proverbs. So what principles can we learn from her about how to live with this concept of balance, as we understand it in modern times?

I found five principles from the verses in Proverbs 31 that I think are very helpful in instructing us to shift our priorities and live more balanced lives as moms. Spoiler alert: if you’re looking for a quick-fix list of things to do differently, you might be disappointed. Proverbs 31 has a lot more to do with growing your character rather than hitting all the marks.

1. Fearing the Lord

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised (v. 30).

Hopefully this isn’t surprising to you: the foundation of a well-balanced life is a trusting relationship with God. The phrase “fears the Lord” can sound a little strange to modern ears, because we don’t want to be living under this sense of dread.

Think of it this way: do you like the sun? Of course you do; it brings life to everything around you and makes you feel warm. Yet if you’re smart, you also know to respect it. Don’t stare at it with the naked eye. Don’t hang out it its rays all day long. Appreciate its power, and enjoy its gifts.

In the same way, the woman who fears the Lord is respectfully aware of him as the one who gives all things. She laughs at the days to come (v. 25) because she knows that God is watching over each one. She doesn’t worry about being perfect because she doesn’t have to be.

We do things like devotionals and memorizing scripture because they remind us of this, not because we need to check them off our good girl checklist.

2. Prioritizing Your Marriage

Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life (v. 11–12).

Unless you’re a single mom, your marriage should be ranking pretty high when it comes to balancing your everyday priorities. I know that’s easier said than done. It also takes two to tango; the Proverbs 31 husband seems to be pouring all his love on her if he has full confidence in her and praises her highly.

There aren’t a lot of practical suggestions in these verses about how husbands and wives love each other; the point is that they simply do it. And personally, I believe that having a strong, unified marriage is one of the best things you can do for your family and home.

Far too often, it’s easy for the marriage relationship to fall between the cracks and only get attention when in crisis. Need some advice for making this happen? Check out Fighting for Your Marriage: 3 Tips for Busy and Exhausted Couples.

3. Intentionality with Homemaking

She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness (v. 27, see also 13–19).

Homemaking is a very broad topic and often the one that causes moms the most grief. Running a home well is a full time job and then some, and for most of us this is the area that can slip up when life gets overwhelming.

What’s interesting about these verses is that the woman is also running a business from her home. She probably doesn’t have time to fuss over the Pinterest-perfect birthday party because she’s attending to customers, on top of her other daily responsibilities.

How does she make it work? She’s very intentional with the way she spends her time and focuses on what’s most important.

That lesson has been one of the hardest for me to learn as a homemaker, yet one of the most powerful. With good planning and intentionality I can cut out the idle tasks that don’t matter, be efficient with my time and even delegate the tasks I don’t need to do myself.

Wondering where to get started with such a monumental mind shift? Try setting some goals: 5 Grace-Filled Goal-Setting Hacks for the Lazy Mom.

4. Treating Yourself with Dignity

She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come (v. 25)

As moms, we like to beat ourselves up. Not only do we not meet up to impossible expectations, but we don’t treat ourselves with enough dignity that we ever could.

As I discussed in Proverbs 31 myths, you might think that to be a great wife/mom/homemaker you need to constantly sacrifice sleep and rest, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. This idea that you have to run around like a crazy person to get everything done is a false modern expectation.

At the time Proverbs 31 was written, a godly woman would have followed the Sabbath, meaning she had at least one day a week to do absolutely no work. She also wouldn’t have had the constant bombardment of false light and electronics stimulating her body and mind to the point of mental and physical exhaustion every day. Life was much slower.

I don’t know that it’s helpful to wistfully long for the “slower” days, but I think there is value in simplifying life and choosing rest instead of busyness.

Check out some resources I’ve pulled together in this self-care toolkit to help you understand how to prioritize biblical self-care.

5. Generosity

She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy (v. 20).

I know, this is one of those “should do” items that tends to slip. How in the world do we fit in generosity when life is already bursting at the seams?

Personally, I think the trick is not to add one more thing to your to-do list, but rather be smarter about how to incorporate sharing with those in need (including sharing the gospel). You’re already going to be eating; invite someone over during a family meal. Make an extra large batch of soup so you can take the extra to your neighbor with the newborn. Include gifts for families in need in your Christmas budget and have your kids wrap them with you.

I’ve never regretted time and energy spent on giving outside of my family, because it simultaneously fills me up. When I look at the Proverbs 31 woman, it seems that generosity was a part of her character and lifestyle, not just something she checked off her list periodically to feel good.

Related post: Easy Ways to Serve Your Community

Balance and Proverbs 31: the Modern Takeaway

Modern women can find a lot of takeaways about living with balance from the Proverbs 31 woman. What makes her ideal is not because she “does it all” but rather her character.

Did you catch that? The key to “balance” is working on growing your character. Specifically in the areas of:

• Loving God
• Loving your husband
• Being intentional with how you spend your time
• Choosing rest
• Loving others

I bet if you worked on growth (not perfection) in these areas, you’d feel a lot less frazzled.

If you enjoyed this study, be sure to check out my seven-day Proverbs 31 devotional, Woman of Strength.

Your turn: what do you have trouble balancing in your life? What could you learn from Proverbs 31 that could help that?

 

 

 

 

Feel like you’re failing at homemaking as much as I have? Need a little help? Be sure to check out my growing library of resources by clicking below.

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I have a lot of formal education under my belt. But very little of it helped prepare me for how I now spend the vast majority of my time: caring for my family and running a household. In other words, homemaking.

I didn’t plan for this.

I didn’t study for this.

I could never have imagined any of this.

But this is my life: laundry, dishes, scheduling, crying, diapering, teaching, loving, organizing, crying some more, meal planning, cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring—generally chaotic but beautiful “homemaking.”

You don’t have to be a stay-at-home parent to be a homemaker. You just have to have a family and a home. And a homemaker makes a home not just an address, but a place to live. You work to make it peaceful, safe, comfortable, nurturing and welcoming.

So, having said that…I was convinced for a long time that I pretty much fail at this skill constantly.

But as it turns out, I just needed a little shift in my perspective.

Related: Should I Be a Stay-At-Home Mom?

3 Reasons Why You’re Failing At Homemaking

1. You set the bar too high.

I’m a recovering perfectionist, which means that every day, I have to wake up and fight to feel okay about who I am.

It gets exhausting.

I remember one Saturday morning as a newlywed when I was so excited to be making my husband’s favorite breakfast: blueberry muffins. They smelled wonderful combined with the scent of bacon just starting to crisp.

But I forgot the baking powder.

He was a good sport briefly as he mashed the rubbery concoction between his teeth. But he was also honest that it wasn’t my best work.

I burst into tears because I just couldn’t handle failing him (oh boy, just you wait, young me). And because of that one failure, a part of me felt like I would never get this wife role right.

Ten years later, I don’t cry over blueberry muffins anymore, or really anything that I accidently destroy during the baking process. But I frequently catch myself getting upset when I screw up—I missed a payment, I forgot an appointment, I stained the carpet, I yelled at the kids…

I have to remind myself that I am not Betty Crocker, Joanna Gaines, or Jesus. And nobody expects me to be. While I have grown and will continue to grow, in the meantime, I am the best homemaker for my family simply because I am me, not because of what I do (or don’t).

Related: 10 Bible Verses for the Perfectionist Mama

2. You don’t know what you don’t know.

When you move into your first house, it’s a little bewildering when you discover all the things that can go wrong with it. Nonetheless, when our basement flooded a little over a year ago, I was pretty excited to do a remodeling project.

A month into it I wanted to die. (Okay, not really, but it was bad.)

Pinterest failed me. It failed to mention how hard the work would be, and it also failed to mention how to effectively whitewash your fireplace with drippy, splattery water-paint when you generally hate painting and you have three curious and small kids popping in and out of a generally hazardous work area.

I wish sometimes that I just knew all the things. Like how to grow plants without killing them or how to breastfeed without getting mastitis with every single kid, or how to speak in awesome voices when I read aloud.

But I don’t know all the things, and neither do you, and neither does anybody. Sometimes homemakers get the idea in our heads that we have to know how to be the Proverbs 31 woman from the get-go and just exude awesomeness. When really, it’s a better use of our time and energy when we simply admit that we don’t know how to do the things. Because—you simply don’t know what you don’t know!

Once you admit that you don’t know something, you can still decide to learn it. As a newlywed my culinary expertise was limited to frozen burritos. Now I’m actually a decent cook. It took lots of practice, lots of failure and—most importantly—lots of time.

Related: Goal Setting for the Lazy Mom

3. You don’t ask for help.

I have a lot of embarrassing newlywed stories. During our first year of marriage we were working part time leading a campus ministry. One day, my mentor and I were chatting, and she very gently crushed my soul with these words:

“You seem like you don’t really want help because you already know the answers and don’t ask for input.”

Or something like that.

I have no recollection of how I responded. I think I was picking up the pieces of my jaw on the floor.

Sometimes the most cutting words are the true ones. I think my friend was primarily referring to how I was handling my job in ministry, but it’s an issue that has affected my whole life: I hate feeling needy and I hate asking for help.

I think it’s a rare genetic condition called…pride maybe?

Titus 2:3–5 is perhaps one of the better known passages on mentorship/discipleship, particularly as it relates to women, but in my understanding it’s all over the book. Humans are generally dumb. Humans who are older and more experienced are generally less dumb. So maybe we younger humans should seek the older humans’ guidance.

Personally, while I enjoy the creature comforts of the modern era, one thing we really lack is the relational support our ancestors had. We’re in single-family homes, working our tails off, isolated from community, trying to hack our way through homemaking and life in general. Getting help from wise mentors takes effort and persistence.

How To Not Fail at Homemaking

I should actually stop writing here because the truth is you and I will both continue to fail at homemaking, quite spectacularly as a matter of fact. Hopefully by now you’re cool with that.

Having said that, however, you can make it a little less painful. First, find a mentor. It’s actually not that hard—it could be your mom or some lady from church who is just aching to offer her wisdom. You just have to look, and ask. And it doesn’t have to be a formal arrangement. Invite your neat freak friend over and ask her to help you clean out that weird cabinet under the kitchen island.

Second, do some study and soul-searching about what it means to be a homemaker. Don’t know where to start?  The Bible is usually a good place :). Check out my Woman of Strength devotional, which you can find in my free resource collection.

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Are you “failing” at homemaking? Which of these tips will help you most?

When I reflect on why I decided to become a Christian fourteen years ago, I think part of it was because of the food.

There’s the spiritual food of course (John 6), but I’m talking about the literal FOOD food. I was a college freshman, and there was this young married couple that was leading the campus ministry I had started visiting. I went over to their apartment after church every Sunday for lunch as well as on Thursday evenings for a Bible study (and dessert). The wife was a great cook, and the whole experience made me feel like I had a home, even though I was hundreds of miles away from my physical family.

A few years later, I was newly married and had assumed the role that had been modeled to me so well. My husband and I were leading a different campus ministry in another city, and we had college students in our little apartment constantly. We fed them homemade deep-dish pizza, played a lot of Wii and watched the early seasons of American Idol (we had Bible studies too).

Then we had kids. Fast-forward a few years: life is busy and we’re tired. Constant entertaining the way we used to do it is just not realistic given our season in life right now.

But you know what? We still have people into our home pretty regularly. That memory of knowing how it felt to be loved when I was alone has ingrained in me a conviction: our home is the base for our personal ministry. And while our family comes first, we’re intentional about making our house a place that is inviting to others. Hospitality is also a command that is modeled in the New Testament (see 1 Peter 4:9 among others).

So how do you make hospitality work when some days you barely have time to think? I’ve got a few suggestions.

Read more about How To Practice Hospitality When You’re Busy and Exhausted on My Joy-Filled Life!

Do you open up your home to others regularly? What suggestions do you have?