You’ve probably heard about the “Proverbs 31 woman”—this icon of Christian womanhood—but how much do you really know about her? The more I’ve studied her, the more I’ve discovered that many people don’t really understand this intriguing passage of Scripture. Have you believed any of these myths?

Nick Karvounis

Disclosure: this post contains affiliate links. See here for more information.

The Proverbs 31 Woman—10 Myths Explained

We’re all living in the shadow of that infamous icon, “The Proverbs 31 Woman,” whose life is so busy I wonder, when does she have time for friendships, for taking walks, or reading good books? Her light never goes out at night? When does she have sex? Somehow she has sanctified the shame most women live under biblical proof that yet again we don’t measure up. Is that supposed to be godly—that sense that you are a failure as a woman?

— John and Stasi Eldredge, Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul, p. 6.

Oh, the “Proverbs 31 woman.” I have a bit of a fascination with her, and so do others. Ministries and businesses are named after her.

Some women love her. Many aspire to be her. Others feel guilt and worthlessness; some despise her.

Do we really understand her?

Captivating (quoted above), by John and Staci Eldredge, is all about women living to their full potential, the way God created them to be. It’s worth reading if you want to explore the heart of biblical femininity. The quote pretty much slams the near-goddess status of Mrs. 31. It says, “she has sanctified the shame.”

But has she? Or have we?

I don’t think the Eldredges’ intent was to pick apart the woman herself (this is in the Bible, after all), but rather to pick apart the common way she is perceived. And I agree that this idea of a woman who is too good for the rest of us to imitate is a false understanding of biblical womanhood.

The more I’ve dug into Proverbs 31, I’ve discovered that I was missing much of what it communicates. It is difficult to understand at face value, which is why I think so many of us have a knee-jerk response when we read it.

Want to understand this passage better, and ditch the guilt and shame? Throw out some of the following myths.

Want to do some more in-depth study? Be sure to to check out this 7-day devotional on the Proverbs 31 woman called Woman of Strength, which you can find in my free resource collection.

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1. Proverbs 31 was written for young wives.

Who do you think this passage was originally written for? You might be in for a shock. It was written for a young man. It is not an instruction manual for wives; its purpose is to provide a young man a vision for what he should look for in a wife.

It makes a lot more sense when you view Proverbs 31 as what it was intended to be—an epilogue, a conclusion—rather than a stand-alone passage. Proverbs is a collection of sayings that contrast wisdom with folly; many of them are written as warnings to young men to let wisdom and godliness guide them instead of their lusts.

That’s not to say that there aren’t applications for women; why shouldn’t we aspire to the godly characteristics displayed here? But the purpose of the passage isn’t to provide an impossible standard; it’s to provide inspiration for the possibilities.

2. She was a real person (wasn’t she?).

Wouldn’t we like to know whether the person portrayed here was a flesh-and-blood being? I think it’s possible that someone, or more than one person, was the real-life inspiration for these words—otherwise, why would you instruct a man to marry an ideal woman who couldn’t exist? But on the other hand, the Proverbs 31 woman is the fourth somewhat allegorical female personage in the book of Proverbs (following Wisdom, Folly and the Adulteress). So there may have been some creative liberties in describing her, even if she was real.

If you’re wrestling with this question of whether or not she was real, my question to you is, does it matter? Sometimes the Bible uses real people to communicate truth and sometimes it uses symbols and parables. That doesn’t change the core principles of the message being communicated, which we’ll explore.

3. She has always had her act together.

When I was a newlywed I barely knew how cook. But I wanted to be great at it because I knew it would make my husband happy. One time I made blueberry muffins—my husband’s favorite—and left out the baking powder. Ewwww. Rookie mistake. I was devastated and he was bewildered as to why his wife was crying over something so trivial. Fortunately, I rarely (not never!) make that same mistake anymore.

Being a competent wife/mother/homemaker/whatever takes time. It doesn’t matter how hard you try or even how naturally talented you are; you will only learn through experience. Proverbs 31 is not a snapshot of a newlywed. This woman has been married long enough to have multiple children and run a couple of side businesses while skillfully managing her household. In other words, she’s older.

Remember, if this was written to a young man, he probably wasn’t going to go out looking for a forty-year-old with lots of life experience. He was going to be looking for someone young who had the potential to grow into that mature, godly wife. Keep that in mind as we continue.

Related: How Moms Can Live with More Balance: 5 Lessons from Proverbs 31

4. She rarely sleeps.

How in the world can someone get up while it is still dark to make everyone breakfast (v. 15), and yet “her lamp does not go out at night” (v. 18)??? Certainly every mom has some sleepless nights like that, but the passage seems to imply an ongoing state.

This is where cultural insight is useful. How would you get around at night if you didn’t have electricity? An oil lamp would come in handy if you had to use the latrine. It’s common in societies without electricity to leave a lamp burning at night, even while you sleep, so people don’t have to fumble around in complete blackness (source).

So why is it significant that her lamp does not go out? Consider verse 18 in its entirety: “She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.” Her side hustles are making enough money to keep everyone comfortable! She is also wise enough to ration the oil so it doesn’t run out (see the Parable of the Ten Virgins in Matthew 25).

Related: Should Christian Moms Prioritize “Me Time”?

5. Every wife and mother should aspire to live like her.

Consider this: the family in Proverbs 31 is making enough money to employ servants and have nice clothes. This is in part because of Mrs. 31’s side businesses, but it’s also evident that her husband is a man of standing the community, hanging out with the elders (v. 23). She is also in excellent health as far as we can tell.

Not everyone is blessed in these ways—with wealth, health and privilege. So would this passage not be relevant for them (most women in the world, actually)? Are you any less godly if you’re poor or in bad health? Of course not.

You have to look past the specifics and more at the principles. 

6. She does everything.

Does she really “do it all”? Nope. This lady has servants.

I used to think, “Well, if I had servants, maybe I could do all of that too.” Granted, many of us in Western society have “servants” in the form of modern appliances, but if you’re dwelling on these thoughts then you’re missing the point of the passage. Most people in the world do not have servants, yet this passage is relevant for them. Again, you have to look past the specifics and more at the principles.

7. She never stops to rest.

She works 24 hours a day, seven days a week, right? Wrong!

How do I know? I’m fairly confident that someone upheld as a God-fearing woman in the Old Testament would observe the Sabbath. This didn’t mean just going to church on Sunday; this meant complete rest. No cooking. No cleaning. No gardening. No sewing. You couldn’t even walk more than half a mile! You had to sit and enjoy being with your family all day. Just imagine.

Have you ever tried observing a Sabbath like that ever, let alone regularly? While I don’t believe Christians are required to observe this old law, we probably could learning a thing or two about chilling out from Mrs. 31.

Related: How To Manage Stress by Being Productively Lazy

8. Proverbs 31 has no relevance for single women.

As a single woman more than a few years back, I was completely befuddled by this passage and assumed it wasn’t for me anyway. So I essentially ignored it. That was my loss.

Is this passage only for wives or only for women who want to be married? Absolutely not! Let’s start talking more about the principles of this passage, which are about character, not deeds. More specifically, “noble character.”

The only other time this phrase appears in the Bible outside of Proverbs is describing Ruth (Ruth 3:11). Who was Ruth? It’s a quick read in the Old Testament, so I’d recommend checking it out if you never have. She was a real person, she was single and she was she was dirt poor. She wasn’t trying to catch a husband; she was doing whatever she could to survive.

Hardly the same circumstances as Mrs. 31. And yet these women have identical character qualities. Single or married, we should focus on those.

9. This passage is irrelevant to the modern woman.

I hope it’s evident by now that it shouldn’t matter whether you’re rich or poor, married or single, young or old, living in modern America or in a hut in the jungle; when you’re focusing on the principles of the passage and not the circumstances, there is much to take away. These timeless, cultureless principles include love, generosity, work ethic and faithfulness.

10. We should wonder, “How does she do it?”

One question that might hinder you when you consider Mrs. 31 is, “How does she do it?” But unless you enjoy feeling insecure about your talents and stamina, that’s the worst kind of question you can ask.

We should be asking, “Who is she?” Not her name or her place in history, but what is the essence of her being? That question is the right one when we’re trying to determine the core principles of the passage. And the answer is quite simple. She is a woman who loves God (v. 30). Her character, her wisdom, her self-discipline—all of these qualities flow from this fact.

I hope you’ve found these insights useful as a you figure out who you are. Whether you’ve loved her or hated her, I also hope and pray that you can find the incredible inspiration at the core of Proverbs 31.

Want to learn more about what it means to be a woman of strength like Mrs. 31? Check out the Woman of Strength devotional, one of the many resources you’ll find in my free resource collection.

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What do you think about the Proverbs 31 woman?

This is a book review for When God Says “Go” by Elizabeth Laing Thompson, which is all about rising to challenge and change without losing your confidence, your courage or your cool. Read on to learn how you can win a signed copy!

Morgan Sessions

Disclosure: this post contains affiliate links. See here for more information.

My hand shook as I held my cup of water. Was my heart racing too? It was late afternoon and I wondered if perhaps I’d had a little too much caffeine.

I couldn’t focus. I was meeting my friend at a local coffee shop to talk about her, but all I could think about was myself. I was worried, replaying conversations in my head and calculating worst-case scenarios.

She sat down with her salad and looked up at me. I realized at that moment that this conversation wasn’t going to go at all the way I had planned.

It wasn’t the caffeine. It was anxiety, which was starting to boil over into full panic.

Tears filled my eyes as I decided to forget agendas and just be real. Big things were unfolding in my life. They were good things. But, they were big, scary things like moving forward in an international adoption and making weighty decisions in my writing career. I was scared.

I wish I could say that this was months ago and that I have figured out how to deal with my fears. But this was just a few days ago.

I’m still scared.

Sometimes, especially when your days are full of diaper changes, wiping noses, schoolwork help and dishes, the speed of life can feel like a crawl. But at other times you find yourself on or about to get on a roller coaster, and there will a point when it will be too late to get off.

This is what it feels like when God says, “Go.”

It just so happened that the rumblings in my life started happening right when I received this book in the mail:

Needless to say, When God Says “Go” spoke to me.

Related posts: 10 Bible Verses About Anxiety and How I Manage Anxiety with 5 Calming Steps.

When God Says “Go”

My friend Elizabeth is a funny, passionate storyteller who brilliantly looks into the Bible and brings to life what it was like for everyday people to interact with God. Through their imperfect, emotional and often comical reactions, he brought his ultimate plans to fruition.

The people we read about in the Bible are just as human as you and I. And the God who worked with them is the same one who works with all of us. Elizabeth relates their stories to everyone’s.

To be clear, a call from God today isn’t an audible command. Usually it’s a combination of circumstance, advice, biblical truth and gut feeling/Spirit prompting. (The book explains in further detail about how to clarify whether God is prompting you or whether you’re just having indigestion.)

Whether God is saying “go,” “stop,” “stay” or “proceed with caution” to you right now, Elizabeth’s deep digging into the biblical narrative has some thoughtful and encouraging insight. While there were many points that were helpful to me personally, three especially stood out.

By the way, Elizabeth has another great book called When God Says “Wait,” which I also highly recommend.

1. It’s Not About You

I’ve noticed a trend when I hear people talk about “God’s call” for their lives (and I fall into this trap as well). We can focus a lot on what he wants for us, without spending much time thinking about what he wants, period. We can get sucked into obsessing about our own gifts and dreams and whether we’re living to our “full potential.” Those aren’t bad things to wonder about, but they’re really secondary to God’s ultimate purpose: to redeem and restore all of creation. He’ll do that with or without our help.

There were more than a couple of people in the Bible who objected when God came knocking: “But God, I’m too young/old/wounded/fearful/inadequate.” Elizabeth talks about how Moses was terrified to go back to Egypt and help free the Israelites. What’s interesting about God’s pep talk to him is that it wasn’t about how great Moses was. Instead, God said, “I will be with you.” And that was all that mattered.

As I take my big scary steps forward in the direction I think God is calling me, I already know that I will be inadequate for the task. However, this is irrelevant. I can be faithfully confident that because of Jesus’ promise in Matthew 28:20 (“surely I am with you always”).

2. It’s Normal to Have a Range of Emotions and Responses

I know there are a couple of instances of ridiculously holy people in the Bible who responded to God’s call with enthusiasm and confidence. However, there are many who did not—in fact, I’d say most didn’t.

Some people had even had triumphs of faithfulness in the past, but because of the trials and pain of life, they faltered later. Mary, Jesus’ own mother who had humbly accepted her role to give birth to the savior, later doubted and questioned Jesus’ ministry—after all she had seen in her miracle baby! The apostle Peter as well had some pretty epic stumbling, even after having walked with Jesus and given up everything to follow him.

I’ve had times in my life where I didn’t question God’s will as much and cheerfully got on board, like when I had the opportunity to do mission work in Alaska right after I graduated college. At other times I’ve been anxious, doubtful or downright rebellious about the directions God has led me. These are all normal responses and, while we have to battle through them sometimes, our emotions won’t deter God’s plans. The good news is that while we might be a hot mess, he will remain consistent.

3. Sometimes the Only Way Out Is Through

This is a message I’ve been hearing over and over again recently. By nature I avoid conflict, vulnerability and painful circumstances. I’m pretty good at side-stepping problems. But as I’ve learned the hard way, sometimes the only way to get past your fears and problems is to work through them.

Elizabeth gives the example of the story of Esther, the queen of Persia (secretly Jewish), who was living pretty comfortably until she discovered that her own husband had agreed to annihilate her entire people. Here choices were to not act and watch her people die, or act, and possibly die herself, without helping the situation.

The story, of course, ended with her courageously taking action, as terrifying as it was. And I think that’s where I am in my current situation. When there’s nowhere to go but forward, your only option is to grow.

We cannot run from these situations. Some are griefs that feel past bearing, past surviving—and yet we must bear them. The only way out is through. And in situations like this, God is saying, “Grow.” He gives us no choice but to move forward. No choice but to change (When God Says “Go,” p. 101).

Is God saying “Go” to you in some way right now? Then I’d like to give you the chance to get a signed copy of Elizabeth Laing Thompson’s latest book!

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When God Says Go will be officially released on May 1. Grab your copy now and get some awesome bonuses by clicking below.

Leave a comment: how is God saying “go” in your life, and how are you responding?

So let’s be clear: I think traditional New Year’s Resolutions are dumb.

Here’s why: the numbers vary depending on which source you look at, but statistically less than 10 percent of people actually follow through with the ideas they get so excited about come January 1st.

So for the other 90+ percent, what’s the point? For most people, resolutions are just wishful thinking.

For a long time I just didn’t bother. I figured if I wanted to change something in my life I would just…do it.

And while that works to an extent for me, I nonetheless hit a wall a couple of years ago. I was exhausted and overwhelmed with three small kids, drowning in mental and physical clutter and feeling purposeless. While I didn’t exactly know where I was going, I made a decision at the end of 2015 that I was going to be more intentional with my life:

• I started decluttering my home.
• I turned my hobby blog into a professional one, got certified in stress management coaching and developed a prayer journal and online courses.
• I embraced my purpose in motherhood (Wiping Noses for Jesus is Legit!).
• I started taking better care of myself and embraced biblical rest.
• I started praying powerfully and with purpose.
• I learned how to control my daily schedule rather than letting it control me.

And it all started with a process called goal-setting. A.k.a New Year’s Resolutions—but the kind that I can follow through with because I’m working on them year-round.

So while I still think that New Year’s resolutions as I used to understand them are dumb, when you do them right, they can be incredibly effective and life-changing.

Related: Goal-Setting: 5 Grace-Filled Hacks for the Lazy Mom

I’ve learned a lot about this process of the last couple of years. There’s a lot of great advice out there, but if I do have one nugget of wisdom to offer about resolutions it’s this:

Choose rest.

While the rest of the world is wrapped up in being skinny and self-improvement and getting rich, imagine if you chose to do something a little different?

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
—Matthew 11:28–30.

To rest is to be faithful. To stop and let God fill in the gaps. To trust the Spirit’s guidance. To be content with less…and to feel fuller in the process.

Sound good? Then check out these alternative New Year’s resolution ideas anchored in rest that you can get excited about.

Related: How to Be Motivated: The Four Tendencies from a Biblical Perspective.

10 Restful New Year’s Resolution Ideas

Cristian Escobar

1. Follow the Sabbath

It’s an ancient practice: set aside a 24-hour period each week to REST. Up until last year, I had never done this.

But now, I can’t imagine my life without it. From Saturday evening to Sunday evening each week, I let go. I don’t check my social media or email. I don’t do any household or work projects, even when I know there’s stuff to get done. Instead, I spend time with those I love, I worship and I relax. And I face each week refreshed.

2. Sleep More

Again, up until last year, my mentality was to sleep the minimal amount without feeling completely wrecked each day, to maximize the amount of time I had to get stuff done.

It’s a terrible way to live. I had to adjust my morning and evening routines, but now I regularly get the 8.5 hours a night I need. And of course, I’m way more productive.

3. Create Meaningful Memories

One thing I want to grow in is being more mentally present with my husband and kids. I want us to look back on this year with memories full of meaning and love.

So my goal is to focus each member of my family’s love language and doing something weekly that encourages them using that language. As much as possible I want to document what I do, whether via photos, written words or even small gifts. By the end of the year I’d like to present them each with a gift that chronicles my love for them.

4. Cultivate Your Friendships

This is another area I would like to grow in personally. I have great friends, but I want to take those relationships deeper. We hope to start up new small groups in our church this year, so I’m hoping and praying that is how I can work on this.

I know it’s tough for many of us in the season of motherhood because we lack the time. If that’s the case with you, I encourage you to be creative with this resolution. You might be surprised just how little extra time those friendships can take if you simply take the effort to invest in them.

5. Enrich Your Prayer Life

In the past this has been a weakness but now I’m proud to say and think is becoming a strength. Over the last couple of years I have gotten more disciplined and focused and have seen a lot of the fruit.

For me it took some digging and journaling to get there. Can I suggest starting with this prayer journal?

6. Say No to Your Phone

I think I’m pretty conscious about this, and still I find myself getting sucked into checking my notifications whenever I get a free second.

Some ways to combat this include setting up screen-free times into your schedule as well as only allowing myself to check notifications at specific times of day. Otherwise it’s all too tempting!

Related: Social Media Addiction: 20 Strategies to Break It

7. Spend Time in Nature

There’s something spiritual about the sky, the sea, the mountains, the fields. As someone who grew up in the Pacific Northwest and now lives in the Midwest, I can find my present opportunities…lacking. But that just means I’m not looking hard enough.

Studies show that being in nature is good for your mental and physical health. So let’s get out there and make it a priority!

8. Explore Healthy Food You LOVE

Weight loss is on the brain for many people at this time of year, and that’s necessarily not a bad thing…but we can go about it the wrong way.

I find that I’m healthiest when I’m not thinking in terms of how I’m limiting myself but rather embracing what I love. I finally admitted to myself recently that I don’t love salad. Plus no one else in my family likes it. I’ll eat it because I know it’s good for me and that’s enough of a motivator…but I’m a lot more excited about a plethora of other vegetable-rich dishes that I’ve learned how to make in the past year. So rather than forcing myself to limit my food to something I’m not wild about, our family is getting adventurous with healthy, whole foods we love and can be thankful for. See the difference?

What nourishing food can you get excited about discovering in the coming months?

9. Find a Mentor

There’s a phrase that has stuck with me through the years: “You don’t know what you don’t know.” Sometimes you don’t even know what you are doing right or wrong unless you get some perspective.

If you’re feeling stuck in any area of your life, why stay in a rut if the strategies you’re using aren’t working? Get some help: a coach, an advisor, an accountability buddy, a counselor, whatever. It’s biblical and it helps.

10. Practice Gratitude

This is almost too cliché nowadays but I’m gonna write it anyway. Gratitude is proven to change the way you think. Make it stick by writing it down daily.

Okay friends, now it’s your turn: what restful New Year’s Resolutions ideas would you add to the list? And which ones do you want to try this year?

If you want some guidance putting those goals into practice, be sure to check this out:

Hey friends! I’m super excited to share today’s post, which is packed full of info for how to be motivated based on your personality type (and how to motivate other people too). If you enjoy this and are looking for more resources to motivate and strengthen your faith, be sure to check out my whole collection of free resources.

Get instant access

As a coach and encourager, I think about motivation a lot. Whether I’m teaching an online course, leading a small group or even parenting my own kids, I frequently observe that some people follow through with expectations naturally…while others seem to rebel against the thought, ever! And everything in between.

I have a friend whose faith and maturity I admire tremendously. She was looking into ordering a daily prayer journal. While the journal was beautiful and she liked the idea, she nonetheless knew that once she had it in her hands, she would immediately resist using it.

Another friend loves learning about God and reads voraciously when she feels like it, but for the life of her can’t follow through with a daily Bible time, unless she’s in a study group.

Someone else I know is extremely disciplined about pursuing a hobby he cares about and will devote hours to filling out related spreadsheets. Yet a discipline of daily exercise? Not unless he finds a way he is convinced is right for him.

I personally can’t relate to any of these people.

There are other disciplines like eating healthy, family routines, keeping a clean house and so on. Some people seem to have no problem whatsoever keeping up. And some (most?) seem to incessantly struggle with at least one area.

While curious about why some people seem to be self-motivated and some aren’t, I’ve conceded that everyone has a different personality and complex reasons about how they’re motivated. And while that’s true to some extent…it’s not an entirely satisfying answer.

Is there an explanation for how people are motivated that’s actually practical and can help no matter what your natural bent is? There IS, according to the findings of Gretchen Rubin!

Pineapple Supply Co.

Disclosure: this post contains affiliate links. See here for more information.

The Four Tendencies

I was so excited to stumble upon The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin because she has examined my questions with about a million times the intensity and a devotion to research.

She’s boiled down this aspect of human behavior—motivation—to be explained by how we respond to expectations.

Everyone has a tendency when it comes to responding two types of expectations: internal and external. Internal expectations are self-imposed, like fitness goals or household schedules. External expectations are things like work deadlines, meetings or what you signed up to bring to a potluck.

Based on how you generally respond to internal and external expectations, you can fall into one of four categories: “Upholder,” “Questioner,” “Obliger” or “Rebel.” You have a dominant Tendency as well as a secondary one.

One reason I love this framework is because it doesn’t value one Tendency over another. As Psalm 139:14 says, everyone is “beautifully and wonderfully made.” With an accurate understanding of your Tendency, you can work with your personality to be motivated and follow through, rather than wishing you were different. And by better understanding and considering other people’s Tendencies, you can gracefully accept them for who they are and learn how to communicate with them more effectively.

While The Four Tendencies isn’t explicitly a Christian framework, I see a lot of practical application. In fact, I find it helpful to consider what Tendency people in the Bible are because it sheds some light on how God works through each type.

Motivated by All Expectations: the Upholder

I’ll start with one of the more “extreme” personality types: the Upholder. This is the person who readily responds to both internal and external expectations. Upholders are generally self-starters, easily motivated and reliable. They love checklists and following rules. You want Upholders on your team because they will carry their weight 110% every time.

On the other hand, they can also be rigid, perfectionistic, uptight and impatient. In situations where the expectations aren’t clear, they can feel anxious and uncertain. They will even go as far to create the rules inside the rules when they aren’t clear. They can be judgmental of others who don’t think the way they do. While Upholders are usually aware of their own need for self-care, they can be susceptible to driving themselves a bit mad with all of their expectations, which may be reasonable or not. They also can be resistant to delegating or trusting others to get the job done.

Related post: How I Manage Anxiety with 5 Calming Steps.

I am an Upholder, through and through. My greatest strengths are also my greatest weaknesses. Being self-aware helps me recognize when I’m following rules for rules’ sake, and in turn can help me let them go—for myself and for others.

When I think of Upholders in the Bible, the most obvious one is Paul. As a Pharisee he was an extreme rule follower and was so passionate about the rules that he sought to persecute those who didn’t fit inside his box. But when he found grace in Christ, his world was turned upside down. Instead of being passionate about rules, he became infinitely more passionate about grace and the freedom it ultimately brings.

Other possible Upholders in the Bible: Abraham, Joseph, Abigail, Solomon, Martha.

Motivated by Internal Expectations: the Questioner

When I told my husband about The Four Tendencies, he was initially skeptical and expressed his distrust of personality frameworks. And he immediately confirmed my suspicions that he is a Questioner. This Tendency will follow expectations if those expectations make sense. Questioners critically examine all external expectations, and if they are deemed worthy, they will make them internal expectations and follow them.

As an Upholder, I love Questioners because they help me think critically rather than just following all the rules. They tend to do a lot of research and love the concepts of fairness, efficiency and effectiveness. Once they come to an internal conviction, they will stick with that conviction faithfully.

Questioners’ weaknesses are related to their strengths. They can be so data-driven that they can reach “paralysis analysis” and avoid making decisions altogether. This can be exhausting. But once they come to an opinion or decision, they can stick to it stubbornly. With their self-directed reasoning, they can also rationalize some strange ideas. To convince them otherwise you have to present them with extensive data, which can be frustrating.

A friend of mine who is a Questioner says that setting deadlines helps her avoid analysis paralysis and decision fatigue, and that has been freeing for her. Understanding this Tendency also helps explain the person who can never “take your word for it” or questions everything.

Related post: 10 Encouraging Bible Verses for the Overwhelmed Mama.

I believe that David in the Bible was a Questioner. When the Israelites were terrified of Goliath, he immediately questioned their lack of faith and had a firm internal conviction that God would have his back. I often have wondered how this same man fell into extreme sin later in life, like when he took a military census instead of trusting in God’s provision, or when he committed adultery and murder. His rationalization and stubbornness make more sense if you think of him as a Questioner who strayed (and fortunately came back once he saw his errors).

Other possible Questioners of the Bible: Gideon, Jonathan, John the Baptist

Motivated by External Expectations: the Obliger

There’s a reason that accountability and coaching programs are so popular. They work! Many people cannot be self-motivated with tasks and habits they know they need to do for themselves, like maintaining personal health, keeping house or being disciplined about completing a passion project. But if you present an external expectation like a deadline or a consequence for other people if they don’t follow through, Obligers are dutifully responsive. According to Rubin, Obligers are probably the largest group.

Obligers are reliable team players and are very responsive to others’ needs. But, unsurprisingly, they can be especially susceptible to overwork and burnout, as well as exploitation. In fact, if you push Obligers to their limit, they can actually slip into what Rubin terms “Obliger rebellion,” when they just stop showing up. If the outer expectations are too much for them to handle, they crumble because there is not enough internal motivation to carry them through.

Related: How to Avoid Christian Burnout by Choosing Spiritual Rest

While Obligers can naturally feel frustrated with themselves since they lack internal motivation, the great news is that the solution to being motivated is easy to identify! If you’re an Obliger and you want to be motivated, the key is to find an external accountability system. This can look different for every person, but if you can find a way to let someone else down by failing to meet an expectation, you’ll be much more likely to follow through.

I wonder if perhaps some of the more selfless people in the Bible were Obligers, like Ruth and Esther. While it’s difficult to know the motivation behind why they did what they did, they appeared to be very responsive and courageous when others needed them to step up. Perhaps Moses was an Obliger as well. At different stages in his life he appeared to be weak and cowardly, but when he had a clear outside expectation from God as well as from his community he was heroic. (He also seemed to have a couple of instances of Obliger-rebellion when he got pushed to his limit!)

Other notable Obligers of the Bible: Aaron, the Apostle John, Barnabas.

Not Motivated by Expectations: the Rebel

On the opposite extreme from Upholders are Rebels. They resist all expectations, internal and external. This Tendency is fascinating and befuddling to me, as it is my complete opposite. Yet some of my dearest friends are Rebels; I am drawn to them because of their creativity and authentic way of living, as well as their ability to think outside the box.

It can be frustrating to be a Rebel or to work with a Rebel because rules and “shoulds” do not motivate them; in fact, they are demotivating. Some Rebels feel energized by breaking rules just to prove that they can. This does not mean that Rebels are doomed to be slackers and slobs, but it does mean that they need to think about motivation differently than the other Tendencies.

Three things that motivate Rebels are their sense of identity, their ability to be free and the opportunity to step up to a challenge (they love to prove people wrong). For example, a friend of mine is very passionate about her love for her kids; she’ll go to the moon and back for them. But she has to maintain a sense of freedom when running her household; otherwise she doesn’t feel true to herself or her family. So she doesn’t do well with strict routines and schedules, but when the mood strikes she will do a beautiful job cleaning, organizing and decorating. If she finds a particular task challenging or frustrating, she’s wonderfully creative and determined to complete it.

When communicating with a Rebel, you can’t force them to do anything (even when you’re communicating with yourself). Rubin recommends the following sequence of information: information, consequences and choice. Present the Rebel with their options, explain the consequences of their decisions and then let them choose. If the desired outcome resonates with their identity and they have the freedom to choose it, they’ll come through.

Related post: Goal-Setting for the Lazy Mom

I’m pretty sure that Peter in the Bible was a Rebel. He was obviously resistant to outer expectations in the Gospels and struggled with inner ones as well, most notably when he denied Christ on the night before the crucifixion. But once he found his identity in Christ, he became a force to be reckoned with in the Book of Acts. (His name literally means “Rock.”) I’m sure he got a kick out of resisting the authorities, and it makes sense that he rejoiced when he was persecuted. Tradition holds that when he died he was crucified upside down at his own request. Sounds pretty Rebel-like to me.

Other possible Rebels in the Bible: Jacob, Samson, Jonah, the Prodigal Son, Mary sister of Martha.

I hope you find this framework as insightful and practically helpful as I have. Most people know what their Tendency based on these basic descriptions, but if you’re not sure you can take Gretchen Rubin’s quiz here.

I’d love to hear from you: what do you think your Tendency is, and how do you think understanding this framework can help you be more motivated as you live out your faith?

Are you wrestling with sadness this Christmas? While we’re mostly enjoying the season, our family has a nagging sense of pain and loss as we wait for our international adoption referral. It hurts to think that our future child might be suffering and can’t create memories with us this year.

Whatever you’re going through, I hope these are helpful reminders.

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Christmas Sadness: How to Cope When the Holidays Hurt

The Christmas season is upon us, and for many it’s a time of joy, laughter and family.

But for some, it’s a time of unspoken sadness, grief and remembering loss. There are loved ones you can’t be with, unfulfilled dreams, and painful memories.

Or perhaps it’s a mixed bag; you enjoy the season, but there are still instances nagging pain.

Whatever your story, it is an emotional time of year, for good or for bad. In the hubbub of the festivities, it can be easy to shove the swell of emotions aside and just power through—and feel completed depleted afterward.

On the other hand, it can be tempting to want to pull away from it all and hibernate until January.

Click over to Equipping Godly Women to read more about how to approach the holidays in a godly way with these complexities of emotion.

Related post: You Don’t Have to Be Happy All the Time.

If you are looking for more resources for Christian moms, be sure to check out my free library of devotionals, scripture lists, worksheets and more by clicking below.

Leave a comment: are the holidays painful for you? How do you cope?