Sex and intimacy are a vital part of a Christian marriage, but not many of us love to talk about it! And while it makes me blush to put this out there, I hope that the wisdom my husband and I have gained over the years can be helpful to you, know matter how long you’ve been married.

My husband and I often find ourselves talking with other couples about our sex lives.

I blame him, because he’s a dude who is unabashed about his enjoyment of it. He likes to talk about it and has no hesitation bringing it up. 🙂

However, as shy as I can be about talking about it, it’s a huge deal!

Few topics create more heartache when not addressed. We need to talk about it, within the marriage as well as with other couples so that we can help one another where needed.

As my husband puts it, sex can be a barometer for your relationship’s health.

If that part of the relationship isn’t running smoothly, there are typically some other problems as well. I have yet to find anyone who has a strong, healthy Christian marriage who isn’t, uh, “doing it” in a healthy way.

Over the 11 years since we exchanged our vows, we’ve received and later given quite a bit of advice on this topic.

If we could condense it all and share it with newlyweds or a couple struggling with their sexual relationship, here are five Christian marriage intimacy tips we’d share.

Click to read the rest: 5 Christian Sex Tips for a Stronger Healthier Marriage at Equipping Godly Women.

You might also like this related post: Fighting for Your Marriage: 3 Tips for Busy and Exhausted Couples.

I’d love to hear from you: what advice would you offer for creating more intimacy in a Christian marriage?

Do you think much about how much you’re honoring Dad in your family’s culture? I’ve discovered that I can definitely grow in this area…

Being a mom is a tough job, but I think we get a lot of encouragement.

There are countless articles circulating online as well as books and greeting cards that uplift moms, validate what we do, and joke about how tough it is to raise kids.

On Mother’s Day I saw dozens of pictures on Facebook of happy kids surprising their moms and grandmothers with flowers and heartfelt handmade gifts.

And for sure, I think we moms deserve it—because we do work hard.

But do you see many people honoring dads like that? In my observation, not so much. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

Sure, dads get a little extra love on Father’s Day, but that’s definitely the exception, not the rule.

If you do a quick search of “dad memes” on Google, most of the results are vulgar and demeaning. Or think about a lot of popular shows, movies, and TV commercials.

Dads are frequently portrayed as:

• Lazy—they lounge around watching TV while moms do all the hard work.
• Stupid—they don’t know how to cook a meal or start a load of laundry.
• Immature—they teach the kids dirty jokes or encourage dangerous stunts.
• Neglectful—when they’re in charge, the kids go unsupervised.
• Absent—they’ve abandoned the family entirely.

Perhaps because our culture is steeped in this attitude, it has rubbed off on me. I have to catch myself when I’m tempted to roll my eyes about my husband’s weekend hobbies or sense of humor, or how he can’t read my mind (how dare he not).

And then we wonder why kids are so disrespectful towards authority.

Hmm…

Yet research shows that fathers’ engagement plays a critical role in childhood development.

This shouldn’t be surprising to Christians, as the Bible is quite instructive on masculinity and fatherhood, both explicitly and through example.

In our home, we teach our kids the importance of honoring their parents as instructed in Ephesians 6:2, as well as the Ten Commandments and elsewhere. Practically speaking, that means we have to deliberately cultivate a family culture with this value.

If you’re tired of the anti-man sentiment out there, I’ve got two simple but powerful principles that will help you build a family culture that honors dads instead of tearing them down.

Honoring Dad: How To Build a Culture that Builds Him Up (Instead of Tearing Him Down)

You can read the rest of this post by clicking over to Equipping Godly Women.

If you enjoyed this post, you might also like Are You Your Husband’s Biggest Fan?

Thanks for stopping by!

Is a lack of communication in marriage causing conflict in your relationship? Check out these four marriage communication skills that prevent fights.

The funniest thing my husband and I have ever fought over was a laundry basket.

Of course, it wasn’t actually the laundry basket that was the issue.

The real issue was two-fold:

• I had an unexpressed expectation that my husband not leave his worn but not-ready-to-be-washed clothes on the floor, and I thought I was being helpful by purchasing a basket he could dump them in.
• He interpreted my action of buying a separate laundry basket as passively aggressively trying to parent him.

In other words, we got into a pretty funny fight because of a breakdown in our marriage communication skills.

If you’ve been married for more than a week, you’ve probably run into similar patterns. Every marriage has hot-button issues that set each person off.

But in my observation, after ten years of marriage as well as mentoring several other couples, the real issue almost always comes down to the same thing: a lack of marriage communication skills.

If you’re frustrated about the repeated fights you get into with your spouse, here are four practical marriage communication skill that have strengthened our marriage through the years.

Related: Marriage Conflicts and the 5 Rules of Engagement

4 Marriage Communication Skills That Prevent Fighting

You can read the rest of this post by clicking over to Equipping Godly Women.

For a video I did about this topic with my husband, click here.

You can also see more of my posts on marriage here.

Thanks for stopping by!

Disclosure: this post contains affiliate links. See here for more information.

I saw a meme the other day that got me thinking. So as not to incriminate anyone, I’ll just post the text:

“Your husband will always be your biggest and oldest child that requires the most supervision.”

It’s kind of funny. I think wives certainly feel this way at times. But the more I looked at it, the more it bothered me.

I texted it to my husband, Marc. I asked how he would feel if I ever posted a meme like that on my Facebook wall.

He considered it thoughtfully, but the longer he pondered it he finally answered with “angry” and “disrespected.” And he added, “Although comforting and supporting a husband is similar to a child, one is about raising a person and the other is about bolstering a person. I need your help, but I definitely do not want you to parent me.”

It was an interesting dialogue, and I share it because it’s consistent with a question I’ve been asking myself lately:

Am I my husband’s biggest fan?

We attended a marriage class a couple of weeks ago taught by a couple that had been married for over 30 years and had seen quite a few trials. They offered many tips for loving your spouse and strengthening the marriage. One that stood out to me was something the husband said his wife did very well: being his #1 fan.

When I was preparing this post I pulled out an old workbook we used in a marriage class several years ago called Dynamic Marriage (the workbook is called Five Steps to Romantic Love, a companion to the books Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs, all of which I highly recommend). In the workbook each spouse filled out questionnaires to identify each of their most valued needs in the relationship. To my surprise, I had forgotten that Marc’s #1 emotional need from me is admiration.

Admiration: respecting, valuing, and appreciating you; rarely critical and expressing admiration to you clearly and often (Five Steps to Romantic Love, p. 103).

If my memory serves me correctly, for the vast majority of the married couples who took Dynamic Marriage, admiration ranked very high as a need among the men—often even higher than sexual fulfillment.

I don’t often think of my role as an admiring fan. Especially as a mom, my role is, well, mom. I throw my husband’s clothes in the laundry with the kids’, I cook his food, I even take care of some of his stuff. Several months ago I bought a new hamper and threw his pile of loose laundry into it. I didn’t think twice about it and was surprised when he got upset because he felt like I was passive aggressively parenting him.

My husband doesn’t want me to be his mom. He left his parents’ house many years ago seeking a different kind of relationship.

…a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife…—Genesis 2:24

In the creation account, Eve is called a “helper suitable for” Adam (Genesis 2:18, ezer kenegdo in Hebrew). There is some debate over what the phrase in ancient Hebrew really means (interestingly, the phrase does seem to connote strength as opposed to subservience and weakness—consistent with the concept of a woman of strength!) What it looks like to be a helper/partner/stronghold to your husband probably varies with each marriage. However, I feel pretty confident about what it doesn’t mean:

• accuser
• insulter
• manipulator
• complainer
• criticizer
• eye roller

Maybe you’re naturally a very supportive, encouraging person and you make your husband feel like he is the best thing since sliced bread all the time.

Or maybe, like me, eye rolling is second nature to you.

This concept of being a #1 fan is challenging to me for several reasons. I haven’t always been the best supporter over nearly ten years of marriage. As a newlywed I thought that anything my husband did publicly was a reflection on me. If he said something profoundly wise or funny, then I couldn’t be prouder. If he did or said something slightly more questionable, I would immediately be embarrassed and insecure and wonder what people were thinking of me, this woman who apparently didn’t think she had a separate identity. Fortunately, I had a wise friend at the time who identified the issue and told me to get over it.

In more recent times, the challenge has been simply to be there for him, with undivided focus and devotion. This is hard when I have three other little people demanding my attention constantly. I am easily distracted not only with their needs, but with the busyness of life—and I miss opportunities to cheer Marc on, to offer my admiration.

As we turn the page towards our next decade of marriage, I want to be my husband’s biggest fan. If you’re in the same boat as me, I’d be remiss if I didn’t offer some practicals that I will be implementing myself. So here you go.

How To Be Your Husband’s Biggest Fan

1. Start with some honest conversation.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. —Ephesians 4:25

Wait, what? What if your honesty isn’t something he’s going to enjoy hearing? You need to be truthful because he needs to know what you admire most about him, as well as what strips away your admiration. If he has any behaviors that make him difficult to respect, he deserves to be aware of them. Likewise, if he knows what you really admire, he will probably try to bring out those qualities more. You also need to hear from him what helps him feel admired—verbal praise? Sweet texts? Public displays of affection? This might be a difficult conversation, but think of it as something you can build on. If you need help communicating about this, meet with a mature couple you trust and ask them how to approach it.

2. Choose your words carefully.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. —Ephesians 4:29

A lot of guys try to act like they’re tough, but they’re human and you have the power to hurt their feelings. Always have honest conversation, but avoid words that are accusative, angry or insulting. We also need to be extremely careful with sarcasm—passive aggressiveness can bite just as hard. Need help in this area? A great resource for a healthy “feelings vocabulary” is Nonviolent Communication.

3. Build him up behind his back.

How do you talk about your man when he’s not around? It can be very natural to gossip about our husbands when we get together with the girls. While I think it’s wise to seek advice if you have questions about how to handle issues in your marriage, we have to be so careful about our tendency to “vent.” I make it a rule not to say anything to my friends what I wouldn’t tell Marc to his face. What is more, I want people to know that I adore my husband! It’ll get back around to him.

4. Build him up publicly.

But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. —Hebrews 3:13

I don’t know too many people who don’t like it when their spouse shows them off. If your husband is more on the reserved side, you can encourage him without embarrassing him…even just a little kiss here and there or holding his hand might go a long way. Figure out what he likes!

5. Be enthusiastic about his ideas.

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…—James 1:19

Whether it’s a business he wants to start or what color he wants to paint the wall, be supportive when your husband comes up with an idea he wants to pursue. I know, I know—what if it’s a really, truly terrible idea? At least hear him out first. You might change your mind, after all. And he might change his—but he’s more likely to reconsider if you’re not attacking him immediately after a word leaves his mouth. I’m speaking from experience!

6. Be there for him when he’s down.

My husband is definitely the more emotionally stable one in the relationship, but from time to time I need to step up and be there for him when he’s down. After all, he needs to know I admire him in sickness and in health, strength and weakness. Recently I discovered that I have missed some of these opportunities to express my love and admiration because I’ve been distracted with all of my other “to dos.” His needs should trump others.

7. Trust him.

[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.—1 Corinthians 13:7

Your husband is going to make mistakes. A lot of them (and so are you, lady!). Hopefully he is humble enough to admit them and move on, but you’re not helping if you are constantly questioning his judgment. Unless he’s doing something that is obviously destructive and harmful, give him the benefit of the doubt and trust him.

8. Don’t be his mom.

Hopefully this point is obvious by now. While men do have those childish moments (and so do women), you are not your husband’s mother. Taking on that role is all kinds of weird and unhealthy. Let him have his fun, have a laugh, express your concern as his partner if necessary, and move on.

What about you? Does being your husband’s fan come naturally to you, or is something you need to work on? How do you communicate your admiration to him? Please reply below or on social media.

Like what you read? Subscribe and get tips on faith, homemaking and family life from Holding the Distaff in your inbox. And just because I like ya, I’ll send you my Woman of Strength devotional for free. You can also follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest. Thanks for stopping by!

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™ 

Disclosure: this post contains affiliate links. See here for more information.

Finances. If you’re married it’s probably one of the top sources of friction in your relationship.

I know it is for us. We have a pattern that goes something like this:

Once upon a time, in the happy Poirier household…

The Poiriers have a pretty good financial system going. Gina manages the budget and tracks all of the spending, so she has a pretty keen awareness of where all the money is going. Marc has more of a “big picture” feel for what’s going on. He brings in most of their income and manages their long-term investments.

But one day, Marc goes to the store to grab a couple of things they need for lunch. Gina knows that there is about $20 left in the grocery budget. She assumes that no one in their right mind would spend more than $20 on “a couple of things.”

Marc isn’t aware of Gina’s expectation for him to spend less than $20. While he’s at the store he stocks up on a few things, which add up to quite a bit more than $20. He thinks he’s being helpful, saving them future trips to the grocery store.

He comes home and Gina is…quite frustrated. She tries not to overreact, but after all he was only supposed to get “a couple of things” in her mind. Maybe she’s silent but body language says it all. He senses that she’s mad and also feels frustrated because he has no idea what he did wrong.

And now everybody is grumpy (probably made worse by the fact that Gina is very hungry).

End scene.

I’d like to say that we’ve come a long way when it comes to our fights about money—and we have! Nearly ten years of marriage have refined us tremendously. But money is complicated, made more complicated by two very busy and imperfect people trying to make ends meet day after day after day.

Can you relate?

The longer you’re married, the more you (hopefully) recognize that what you’re fighting about isn’t really what you’re fighting about. So in that sense, we don’t fight about money at all.

We fight because we don’t communicate effectively.

We fight because of unmet expectations.

We fight because we say hurtful things to one another or indicate hurtful things through body language.

We have a lot of conversations with other couples about finances. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t struggle in this area. Over time, however, I’ve come to realize that there are several core reasons that couples are fighting about money. It’s not about the money and here’s why.

Why Couples REALLY Fight About Money — 5 Reasons

1. Your core beliefs about finances aren’t in sync.

When we first got married, I didn’t have a lot of well-defined beliefs about how would should be managing our finances. My natural instinct is to be a hoarder. Don’t spend money ever, and you will be sure to always have it. When absolutely necessary, get the cheap stuff.

My dear husband’s natural instinct is a more pleasant way to live: enjoy the resources that you have been blessed with. Don’t live wildly outside of your means, but take the opportunities you have to live a little (which includes being generous).

We didn’t work very well as a team in the early days. He kept track of our spending, and I just decided that I would stress less if I didn’t see it.

Needless to say, when we actually sat down and went over the details, we butted heads.

About two years into our marriage we decided to take a finance class through our church. Little did I know that we had signed up for one of the most foundational experiences in our marriage. We met in a small group every week and went through thorough Biblical teachings about the role of money and possessions in our lives. We emerged from that class finally able to talk about the core “why” behind any financial decision: being good stewards of the resources we’ve been given.

“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’” —Matthew 25:21

I see a lot of information out there about the “hows”: how to make a budget, how to follow a budget, how to pay off debt quickly, etc. But the truth is, if you and your spouse are not unified when it comes to the “whys” in your finances, none of the “hows” are ever going to work.

I highly recommend taking a class together that is based on Biblical principles. We took a Crown Financial Ministries class and highly recommend it. If you can’t take a class, I’d recommend reading Your Money Counts together. There are also a plethora of other excellent Bible-based financial resources online; take your pick.

Perhaps you’re in a situation where one spouse is on board with Biblical principles and the other isn’t, or there’s some other disagreement about core beliefs. I’ve seen it happen, and admittedly it’s a tough challenge to overcome. In that scenario it’s important to talk about your differences. Even if you can’t come to a complete agreement, you can understand where the other person is coming from and try to meet in the middle.

2. You don’t have goals.

After Marc and I took the finance class, we agreed that our first priority was to pay off debt. At the time we had a few thousand dollars in credit card debt as well as a few thousand more in a car loan. We worked steadily to pay those off in a few years and have stayed out of debt since.

We were proud of that victory! But after that, amidst a lot of life changes including having three kids, a cross-country move and me leaving the full-time workforce, I became frustrated because it seemed like we could never get ahead in building our savings (at this point we had switched daily management of our spending over to me). We would put money away and inevitably spend it on opportunities that came up.

We both generally knew that saving money is good, but after a while we finally realized that we needed to be more specific. Otherwise we get into a cycle of save and spend, save and spend.

A few months ago we sat down for the first time in about five years and had a detailed discussion about our savings and investment goals. I remember it well—we were super professional and wrote everything down on the back of a Steak & Shake menu. We talked about where we wanted to be financially one year, five years, ten years, twenty years and more down the road. When you break it down like that it’s a lot easier to set aside money for specific targets. Some of the things we talked about included emergency savings, international adoption, buying a home, college for our kids, retirement, and philanthropy.

We don’t know all the ways we are going to get there, but it is so helpful and motivating to know what direction we are going. Otherwise the day-in, day-out spending habits can feel aimless.

In their hearts humans plan their course,
but the Lord establishes their steps. —Proverbs 16:9

3. You don’t have a plan.

In my observation, this is the piece that people usually jump to first when it comes to financial advice. “You’re having money troubles in your marriage? You should make a budget!” Well, duh.

A budget is meaningless if you don’t know why you’re using it. Once a couple has values and goals they can agree upon, however, a budget can be very useful.

I’m not going to be very specific about this area because a. There are a million other resources out there, and b. I hate budgeting. There, I confess it: I hate crunching the numbers and I almost guarantee I will never post a budgeting guide on this blog. But budgeting is necessary and helpful for successful financial management—and, more importantly, a healthy marriage.

I’ll just provide a few general pointers. If you’ve never budgeted before, start simply by keeping track of every penny you spend and putting your expenses into categories. No matter how off track I get, if we monitor spending we never get too crazy. Once you have an idea of your spending habits, assess what expenses are necessary and what you can cut. In my experience it has actually been fun and strangely liberating to cut out the frivolous extras. Finally, when you draw up your budget, give yourself flex room, because inevitably there are going to be times when the unexpected happens. One great strategy I discovered recently was to budget for a four-week month every month. My husband is paid weekly, so on the five-Friday months we have a little flex money.

Dishonest money dwindles away,
but whoever gathers money little by little makes it grow. —Proverbs 13:11

4. You don’t communicate effectively.

Nine times out of ten, especially since we have our values, goals and budget in place, this is where our marriage teamwork breaks down. It happens when our spending parameters are not clear. I expect one thing; he expects another; we don’t ask what the other person is thinking; we don’t look at the budget together; we both get frustrated because when it comes down to it, we simply can’t read each other’s minds.

We’re both responsible for making good communication happen.

It’s difficult because in any given month things are going to come up and we might not follow our budget exactly by the letter. This is why it is so important to set aside time to talk about our finances! I like to sit down and look at where we are at the beginning of each month; we also have to check in with each other frequently as those little expenses come up.

This is really hard, you guys. Life is crazy. We are crazy sometimes. But we have to try our best, give each other a lot of grace and take one day at a time.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. —Ephesians 4:2

5. You aren’t trusting God.

A friend of mine was confessing to me how frustrated she was feeling about her family’s finances. She and her husband are some of the most disciplined people I know. But things were tight; he had been laid off and they had a mortgage, two cars and childcare costs. Their savings had dwindled. Needless to say, it was creating some friction in their marriage.

“We’ve done everything right!” she lamented. “And still, we’re just barely making ends meet!”

Ain’t that the truth. You can do everything right, but that is no guarantee whatsoever that you are going to get ahead.

It’s wise to plan, to save, to set up safety nets, etc. But you could lose it all in an instant. I think of Job in the Bible, of people in the developing world who suffer from drought and famine, of the thousands of refugees in Europe right now who are normal people who lost everything, simply born in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It’s a challenge for one person to be content in whatever the circumstances; it’s a double challenge for two people to be content (perhaps even more when kids are in the picture!).

There isn’t an easy fix to the “trusting in God” issue, but my advice is for you to simply pray—together. My husband and I have tried to be very deliberate in taking prayer walks together almost daily for the last several weeks. Not coincidentally, there is less stress and tension in our relationship.

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. —Philippians 4:12–13

You’ve heard it said—marriage takes work, especially when it comes to managing your finances together. We don’t do it perfectly, but I think we have the tools necessary to make a pretty effective team.

Would you agree that these are the roots of your money fights? Why do you fight about money? Leave a comment here or on social media!

Like what you read? I believe that managing her finances and her home well is part of being a Woman of Strength. Subscribe and get my free devotional on this topic, as well as updates from Holding the Distaff in your inbox. You can also follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

Take note, gentlemen. This is pretty much a guaranteed way to get a wife. Ladies, you can pass this along to your significant others as a hint.

This story takes place in Seattle in February of 2006. I was a senior at the University of Washington. My boyfriend Marc lived in Illinois, about a five-hour flight away. We had been dating for about three months. Being typical college students (although technically he had just graduated), we were both fairly broke. Thus we savored any opportunity we had to see each other in person. Since we had first met the previous summer, we had only seen each other twice.

It was a typical gray winter Tuesday. Not much going on. I wasn’t feeling particularly cheery because I knew I’d be spending Valentine’s Day alone. The previous weekend I had gone to a Valentine’s party alone. On top of that, while we had chatted briefly over the phone, Marc seemed distracted and busy. I was scheduled to work my job at the University of Washington’s main library that evening from about 5 to 10. If we didn’t have the opportunity to talk before my shift, we probably wouldn’t talk again until the next day because his time zone was two hours ahead of mine.

I sadly walked up the steps to the library that evening as my shift approached, perhaps feeling a little dejected. I was trying to remain positive and not be upset with my boyfriend for making it a pretty lame V-Day.

As I approached the desk at my department, my co-worker handed me a red rose. He didn’t speak English very well, so the interaction that followed was somewhat confusing.

“Who is that from?”

“Your boyfriend.”

I figured that Marc had cleverly communicated with one of my friends to deliver me a rose.

“But who brought it?”

“Your boyfriend.”

I started to get frustrated. I knew it was from my boyfriend, but who had dropped off the rose?? There was also a card with it that I didn’t look at.

My co-worker still insisted that my boyfriend had brought it, so I tried to clarify.

“You mean my boyfriend is here?”

He smiled and nodded. Clearly he was confused because he didn’t even know who my boyfriend was.

I looked around. “Where???!!” So frustrated!

He pointed down the hallway to the “Reading Room.”

At this point I started to realize that the problem was not that he wasn’t understanding what I was saying–I clearly had not understood him! Somewhat shaken, I stumbled towards the Reading Room. At this library, it looks somewhat like a cathedral.

The Suzzallo Reading Room at UW

 

Quite a romantic setting, obviously. I walked in and sure enough, Marc was waiting for me in a suit and tie with a full bouquet.

So I did the logical thing–and ran away back out into the hallway .I think a part of me was trying to be practical and didn’t want to disturb people who were studying with a big scene (he still makes fun of me for it).

He chased me out into the hallway and gave me a big embrace. I still couldn’t believe it. He had found a substitute for my work, borrowed my roommate’s car, and had arranged a dinner for two at the Space Needle SkyCity restaurant (not easy to get on Valentine’s Day!). He had even given me enough time to go home and change my clothes. Not to mention he managed to fly across the country that day without making me even remotely suspicious!

 

 

 

 

I don’t remember what we ate as we sat above the city in the famous rotating restaurant or even what we talked about. But I do remember thinking seriously for the first time, “I want to marry this man.” I knew he would get me the moon if it would make me happy. Six months later we both moved to Alaska, a month later he proposed, and two months after that we were married.

We’ve had a few Valentine’s Days since then, and I can honestly say I love my husband more each year. I don’t need (or really want) spectacular suprises like that all the time. But I still love to tell this story because it reminds me what a wonderful man I have.

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I don’t know much about boxing, martial arts and other types of fighting other than what I’ve gleaned from movies (thanks to Mark Wahlberg, Hilary Swank, Russell Crowe, Sylvester Stallone, and the like). But I do know one thing:

Every good and fair fight has rules. 

These days, rules in professional fighting might be as basic as no biting and staying inside of a ring (I’m pretty sure those are the only rules in UFC, right? I really don’t know).

Likewise, to have a fair fight in marriage, you have to play by the rules. Don’t have any established rules? You should.

A few years ago, Marc and I took a fantastic class together called Dynamic Marriage. One of the lessons we learned is that any marriage is generally going to be in one of three phases. The first phase is called intimacy – you’re emotionally close, in love, and ooshy gooshy happy. The second phase is conflict. Couples in conflict are not necessarily in a bad place. They have to be in conflict in order to work their way back towards intimacy. The third phase is the worst one. It’s called withdrawal. Couples in withdrawal have given up fighting. They may still technically be married, but they are emotionally distant – perhaps they are even looking outside the marriage to meet their desires to be intimate. In order to get back to intimacy, couples in the withdrawal phase have to go through the fighting phase.

Marc and I make it our goal to be in the intimacy phase. But to do that, we have to fight sometimes. To fight with that intimacy end goal in mind, we have to fight fair. And to fight fair, we need rules.

Thus I give you our marriage conflict rules of engagement (Please note: These rules work under the assumption that there is no abuse in the marriage – physical, sexual, emotional, or whatever. All bets are off when there’s abuse—that usually requires some serious outside help.):

1. No use of the “D” word. Ever.

 “The man who hates and divorces his wife, ” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,”says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful. (Malachi 2:16, NIV)

Divorce is just not in our vocabulary because it is not an option. I might as well say, “I’m going to move to Argentina and start a banana stand!” The only reason one of us would use this word would be to be intentionally hurtful. Which brings me to the next rule…

2. No saying things that are intentionally hurtful.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29, NIV)

The natural response to feeling hurt is to want to hurt back. Sometimes I have to very willfully bite my tongue so I don’t say something that is just mean and nasty—and drives us further apart. This rule takes some self-control (and requires apologizing if it’s broken). I should note that this rule doesn’t mean to avoid telling the truth so as to avoid hurting feelings. But as truth is told, it should be told in love. This brings me to our next rule…

3. No lying.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. (Ephesians 4:25)

Early in our marriage, we fell into the common trap of telling half-truths to avoid conflict with each other. You know, like being very vague about how some money was spent so as not to upset your spouse. Or not confessing when you do something you know the other person wouldn’t like. Bad, bad idea—this is the shortcut route to withdrawal. Concealing truth is the same thing as lying. Not being completely honest destroys trust, which is vital for intimacy.

4. Take time-outs.

Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. (1 Corinthians 7:5)

The apostle Paul in the above passage was instructing married couples to meet each other’s physical needs, but then he put in this somewhat surprising pointer: get away from each other and pray (by mutual consent for a short time). Hmm…I wonder why? Probably so we can cool off when we’re hopping mad and need to get our heads on straight! Whenever either one of us is feeling like we’re going to say something we’ll regret, we have the right to a time-out to go cool off and collect ourselves. This is not the same as a cold shoulder. We have a mutual expectation that we will resume the conversation once either party has dealt with his or her anger in a productive way.

5. Get support.

Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice. (Proverbs 13:10)

Occasionally we come to an impasse during an argument. When that happens, we agree to seek counsel from another person or married couple we mutually respect. I can’t think of a single time after we sought such advice that it didn’t help.

And that’s it! These five rules are invaluable to helping us work through virtually any problem we encounter in marriage, large and small. Disclaimer: this is not a magic formula, particularly for deep and complicated issues. But it sure helps a lot.

I should note that another thing to remember is…in marriage you’re on the same team. So at the end of a fight, both parties win! I believe when we’ve worked through a conflict, we have mutual understanding and forgiveness.

So keep on fighting!

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