TAKE BACK MOTHERHOOD

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One of the wonderful qualities about small children is that they display human nature in its raw, uncensored form. It’s beautiful and ugly at the same time. Sometimes, when we try to teach our children to subdue the ugliness in their nature, we inadvertently teach them to squelch what is good.

James recovering after a tantrum during which he removed his shirt and demanded that he needed the fish net.

I don’t know if it’s happening because he was sick this past week or because he’s entering a new developmental stage, but James has taken tantrums to new heights recently. They start with wining and quickly escalate into screaming, kicking legs, and endless tears. They last for as long as half an hour.

Yesterday he went into a fit early in the morning. He was playing with his trains and became upset because he was having difficulty fitting the track pieces together. I offered assistance, but it was too late. For consolation he asked me if I could “carry” him. I held him in my arms for a short time, but when I sat down he erupted (apparently he wanted me to keep standing with him. My back couldn’t handle it). From this point on, nothing could be done. So I took him to his room and told him to stay in there until he cooled off. Screaming, crying, kicking, and rolling ensued–for about twenty minutes. I checked to make sure he wasn’t destroying anything. Then, almost suddenly, I heard his voice transform from sobs into his normal sing-song chattering, as he was recreating some movie scene with his Cars 2 toys. Shortly thereafter he skipped into the kitchen and politely asked for a waffle.

I pondered this scenario for the rest of the day. I knew that this was normal, but I wondered…why?

From birth, we instinctively cry out when we perceive that something isn’t right. It’s too cold, we’re hungry, we get an “owie,” and those train tracks just won’t go into place. Later in life, we’re disappointed, we lose people we love, our pride is wounded, and our hearts are broken. Our feelings are closely linked to all of our physical and emotional needs.

At two-and-a-half James is currently discovering those powerful emotions which can cause destruction if left untamed. This is one reason parents train their children to control their emotions–to prevent them from hurting themselves and others.

No matter how their parents train them, people eventually establish habits in the way they respond emotionally to life’s challenges. Some have healthier habits than others. I was a very sensitive little girl and would cry when my team lost a soccer game, when I didn’t receive a perfect grade in school, or when any of my peers said anything that wasn’t nice. Somewhere around the age of 11 or 12, I learned a valuable skill: stuffing it. While I’m still sensitive at heart, I’ve become a master at concealing my emotions. I’ve even managed to fool myself.

You probably have this skill to some degree. The problem with it is that no one can really stuff emotions forever. They eventually come out, sometimes after fermenting for years, in much uglier and more violent forms than toddler tantrums.

So what are we supposed to do with all of these feelings that are simply an unavoidable part of being human? My current postulation is to throw a “productive tantrum.” This is essentially what James did in his room. He was able to unleash all of that negative energy without hurting himself or someone else. Then he continued with his day.

For an adult, a productive tantrum could take several forms: a good cry, a heartfelt prayer, or a truly honest conversation with a trusted friend or counselor. For those of us with complicated emotional issues (everyone), we often need to have many of these productive tantrums before we are able to move forward and eat waffles.

Psalm 88 captures a productive tantrum moment:

¹LORD, you are the God who saves me;
day and night I cry out to you.
² May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
³ I am overwhelmed with troubles
and my life draws near to death.
⁴ I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like one without strength.
⁵ I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.
⁶ You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
⁷ Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
⁸ You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
⁹ my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
¹⁰ Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
¹¹ Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?
¹² Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
¹³ But I cry to you for help, LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
¹⁴ Why, LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
¹⁵ From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
¹⁶ Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
¹⁷ All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
¹⁸ You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
darkness is my closest friend. 

I love this Psalm because it’s so human and honest. This guy is basically saying, “God, hello, do you hear me? My life sucks; I hate everything about it! I keep asking you for help, but you don’t answer. Why don’t you rescue me when I know you can? Hello???”

What guttural despair. And this is Holy Scripture, given to us as an example to follow? Yes.

Much more could be said about what makes tantrums productive, but this is already a long post so I’ll stop here. In conclusion I’ll just admit again that I have a lot to learn from my kids.

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Earlier I wrote a post called “Healthy Habits” to start a series about the value of incrementally developing a healthier lifestyle. And so I begin this series with my nemesis the ever-elusive good night of sleep.

I call it my nemesis because it taunts me. We square off every day. I try to capture it and it slips through my fingers. I desire it deeply, but I hate that I need it. I have to work very hard to even have a chance at getting it.

Adequate sleep boosts your energy, immune system, cardiovascular system, mood, judgment, memory and productivity. It also curbs your appetite! On the flip side of the same coin, chronic lack of sleep leads to other health problems including diabetes and mood disorders like depression and excessive anxiety. Logically, sleep is a foundation to good health because you’re more likely implement your other healthy habits when you’re not tired and cranky.

I burned the candle at both ends in college and have been trying to retrain myself ever since. I confess to occasionally having this thought: “Imagine how much work I could get done if I didn’t have to sleep!” It’s hard to make consistent, sufficient sleep a regular habit. Fortunately, our bodies know what we need and demand that we take a break, even while we push and torture ourselves. Why do we fight? Back in the good ol’ days before regular people lived by the clock, they went to bed when it was dark! (Okay, friends in Alaska and other high latitude locations, this logic does not apply to you.) We’re slaves to our culture, society’s demand to make the most out of every minute, for work or play.

Surprisingly, having kids has actually helped me sleep better. Sort of. While breaking up my sleep with middle-of-the-night demands definitely hasn’t helped, routine and consistency has. I go to bed roughly at 11 every night and wake up at 7. I don’t know the science behind the importance of sticking with your body’s rhythms, but I can feel its effectiveness. If I stay up too late, my body goes into rebellion.

I’ve experimented with different routines, such as getting up earlier to get things done, but I always fall back to this pattern. Since it works for me, I generally build the rest of my schedule around it, instead of making sleep my last priority. I try to avoid the temptation to adjust my sleep pattern so I can fit something else in, which usually ends up being counterproductive anyway (with exceptions of course–I’m not advocating fanaticism about the schedule when stuff comes up).

It takes self-discipline to sleep well, but in my opinion it’s worth the effort. My nemesis isn’t so elusive when I attack it with the same tried-and-true tactic over and over. On that note, it’s just about my bedtime.

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I don’t remember the last time I read a book as insightful, practical, and inspiring as Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts. I first heard about it at a women’s conference a few months ago and since then it keeps coming up in church lessons, Facebook posts, and casual conversations. My thoughtful husband gave it to me for Christmas, and I’ve been immersed in its eloquent illustrations and powerful teachings about “living life fully” ever since.

Voskamp’s writing style is different than most spiritual books–it’s almost poetic. Her words are like brush strokes on a new canvas every chapter. While the book is non-fiction, it mesmerizes like a good novel. Aside from being a brilliant writer, Ann is a very normal wife and mother who invites you to join her life on her family farm with her six kids, unending loads of laundry, and moments of pure ecstasy in her life’s everyday beauty.

The core of the book’s message is the Greek word eucharisteo, which translates to English as “thanksgiving.” This is the word that describes what Jesus did—gave thanks—while looking to heaven and breaking bread at the Last Supper before surrendering himself to his gruesome death.

Voskamp, who suffers from the heartbreaks and disappointments common to every human, walks you through her life story in which she discovers that eucharisteo is the key to fulfillment in the Christian walk. A friend “dares” her to write down 1,000 things that she is thankful for. Over the months that follow, she feels herself transforming. Once she finishes her initial list, she continues writing down the innumerable things she loves. The fruits of the continuous practice of eucharisteo include heart-felt faith, service, joy, and intimacy with God.

I knew before I started reading this book that I would be compelled to write my own gift list. Voskamp calls it “intentional gratitude.” While we may think we are thankful for something and that a mental note is enough, actually writing it down and naming it gives it infinitely more meaning. I was hesitant to start the list–perhaps because I didn’t want to be insincere and simply start another checklist. Once I started, however, I discovered that my logic was backwards. You generate sincerity when you take the time to be thankful.

It’s tempting to simply open my list once a day when things are quiet, quickly jot a thought or two down and then go about my business as usual. But that’s not the true practice of eucharisteo. Voskamp takes her list with her everywhere she goes and searches for the gifts from God in every moment. The power of eucharisteo comes in life’s ugly and painful circumstances. She points out that in the Bible, miracles are preceded by moments of thanks during difficult trials.

With this in mind, I try to leave my list somewhere visible as a reminder. As a result, I have recorded heartfelt gratitude for things like “matching footie pajamas,” “the fleeting moment of a clean house,” and “bed time.”

What’s amazing about this simple but beautiful concept is that it works. I’ve never felt more joyful than I have during the last few weeks. I’m more patient with my family. My thoughts are generally positive; I’m more faithful through everyday problems and feel less stress. And most importantly, I feel more in love with God than ever.

If you’re intrigued like I was when I first heard about this book and are thinking about starting a list, do it! You won’t regret it. I also highly recommend that you read the book because I can’t do it justice with a few paragraphs. Also consider viewing Voskamp’s blog, www.aholyexperience.com, where her words come to life through her creative photography.

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One of the headlines on the front page of my newspaper this morning says, “Study: Staggering amount of obesity in U.S.” According to the CDC, over a third of adults are obese according to their BMI, and another third are overweight. So–do the math–less than a third of adults have a healthy weight for their height. Children are reflecting the habits of their parents; about 17 percent of them are obese. Despite numerous public awareness campaigns for healthy living, these statistics have stubbornly refused to budge for nearly a decade.

Why am I referring to this bleak statistical study on a “Christian mom” blog? I like to use “big picture” examples of our society to provide context for my life and my writing. I also believe that our bodies are beautiful creations that God entrusted to us, and taking care of them honors him. But the fight for good health is challenging. Unlucky genetic dispositions, health conditions, sedentary work environments, lack of time, lack of motivation, and lack of money all contribute.

I got lucky with my genetics. A number of people have asked me what my “secret” was to losing the weight after my pregnancies, and I often give credit to my genes (and breastfeeding). But I can also point to some intentional effort. I wasn’t trying to lose weight–but I was trying to be healthier. A year after having my second child, I am 10 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight and over 20 pounds below the weight I was in high school. My BMI is around 19, which is about right for me judging by my family’s traits.

My “secret” has been to incrementally build healthy habits into my daily life. I don’t diet, count calories, or train for marathons. My methods haven’t produced results overnight. I’ve been consciously improving my lifestyle for about the past 10 years, and especially in the last six since I graduated from college. I certainly haven’t “arrived” at that picture of perfect health. I’m still learning new ways to improve my health as well as my family’s.

My 12-month-old provides an illustration with his first steps. Training himself in this new skill takes time, but each day he is able to walk a little farther. He still crawls when walking is too overwhelming. Some days he even regresses a little. But soon he will leave his old habit behind and will be using his new skill without even thinking about it. When you think of a healthy lifestyle as a combination of new skills and habits you have to learn, it is very attainable. Don’t attempt to drastically overhaul your life in one fell swoop; instead, take baby steps.

A lot of people approach weight loss in an unsustainable way. They set New Year’s resolutions, lose a little (or a lot) of weight and then gain it all back. “Lose it fast” techniques like fad diets, high-intensity workout regimens, and dietary supplements make big business, but they don’t transform lives. Another problem is that people don’t look at their lifestyles holistically. Weight isn’t the only factor in good health. They correctly address calorie intake and exercise, but they don’t consider other factors like stress, sleep, and adequate hydration. They ask the wrong questions (“How can I quickly lose weight?” instead of “Why do I overeat?” or “How can I make vegetables a regular and enjoyable part of my diet?”). They also look to short-term gains like looking good in a swimsuit as key motivators, instead of life-long goals.

Permanent change requires powerful motivation. When talking about lifestyle transformation, I’m personally not very motivated by short-term gain. Instead, I need to regularly focus on what I want to accomplish in the big picture. For example, I want to be healthy and active when I’m old. To better ensure that, I need to take care of my body now. I also want my kids to be healthy. I can’t train them to take care of themselves if I set a poor example.

Proverbs 14:23 says, “All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.” There’s a lot of mere talk about healthy living (just do a Google search), but statistics suggest that the hard work is lacking.

I’m not a nutritionist or a personal trainer, but I know what has worked for me. I’m planning to offer some practical solutions in future posts–maybe I’ll even make a regular “series” out of it. So stay tuned if you’re interested…in the meantime I’ll also continue with my usual ramblings.

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My watch broke this week, and it has been driving me crazy. It feels like such a waste of time to fumble through my pockets or purse for my phone every time I want to see a clock. Ironically, I haven’t had the time to get the watch fixed.

Moms value their time like it’s precious gold. And it is. Every moment seems to be consumed by meeting someone else’s needs–changing diapers, cooking meals, attending events. Occasionally we get “me time.” I cope with the constant demand by mentally scheduling out each day, prioritizing what needs to get done. I work hard and sleep harder. I often find myself more likely to be in a foul mood when I think I’ve been “unproductive.” If you’re nodding your head, I’m not alone in thinking this way.

This obsession with the “tick, tick” of the clock is largely cultural. About a century ago, Max Weber wrote The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism. I read it in a political science course as a freshman in college and it still sticks with me. Weber argues that Americans have an “economic frame of mind” that is rooted deeply in our nation’s hard-working religious heritage. Benjamin Franklin captured the sentiment in the classic adage: “time is money.” Think about the way we talk about time as if it were money: we spend it, waste it, save it, and sometimes lose track of it. This mentality has contributed to some spectacular advances in production like assembly lines, light bulbs and computers. It has also made us very, very busy.

We are constantly aware of how we spend our finite days, hours, minutes, and seconds. Even if you’re incurably lazy, you probably feel at least a little guilty about it.

As Weber’s title would indicate, this mentality isn’t all bad–there is, in fact, some Biblical truth to it. Ponder these:

 Proverbs 6:6-11: “Go to the ant, you sluggard, consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest. How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest–and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.”

The “wife of noble character” of Proverbs 31:18, 27: “She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night…She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.”

2 Thessalonians 3:11-12: “We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busybodies. Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the bread they eat.”

Ephesians 5:15-15: “Be very careful, then, how you live–not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.”

Also look at Matthew 25:1-30, the parables of the 4en virgins and the talents. Jesus implies that you should make the most of the time and resources you have during your short life on earth before he returns.

I gather from these Scriptures that God values hard work and sensible planning. But I don’t think he had 80-hour work weeks and exhausted, cranky mommies in mind as the intended outcome of mankind’s labors. As usual, we take what is good and we warp it ever so slightly into something destructive.

Another adage comes to mind as I’m thinking about how to make the most of the time I have without destroying myself: “Stop and smell the roses.” There’s certainly value to that. Time seems to slow down when we pause to drink in the everyday beauty that we often miss. That’s why a lot of people find therapy in the things that bring calmness: beautiful scenery, children’s laughter, yoga, a warm cup of coffee, a delectable piece of Belgian chocolate (or maybe those are just the things I like).

Still, those spaces in between the proverbial roses wear on me. When I have two kids screaming at the same time while I’m trying to get them out the door because we’re late, this never comes to mind: “Wow, God, what beautiful children I have. Let me drink in this moment!”

I’ve known I’ve approached the issue of time all wrong. But I’ve had a hard time placing my finger on what was wrong, since I do put a lot of Godly principles into practice with my time scheduling. It dawned on my while I was writing this that the “spirit of capitalism” did me a huge disservice: it implanted deep within my soul a false entitlement to my time. If time is money, did I do anything to earn it? No! In fact, Jesus paid for my life under grace with his blood (1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says, “You are not your own; you were bought at a price.”). Is not every millisecond that I breathe a gift from God?

This is humbling, thinking this way, that it is not my time, that this mist of a life is a gift. The Spirit of God is shoving the spirit of capitalism out of my mind and heart. It doesn’t necessarily change a whole lot about the way I spend my time, but it does change my attitude about it (study the Greek word “metanoia,” which when translated to English means “repentance”–and you’ll know better what I mean). I’ve been trying to find the small roses amidst the “busyness” of my life, when in fact I was missing the giant rose, which is the gift of life itself and every moment in it.

In conclusion, my epiphany seems pretty basic–be grateful I’m alive. Not exactly an original or brilliant thought. But, as Ann Voskamp says in the book I’m reading, One Thousand Gifts, we have “spiritual Alzheimer’s.” We constanstly need to be reminded about the basics. Voskamp also says, “Contemplative simplicity isn’t a matter of circumstances; it’s a matter of focus.” If I strive to focus on the big picture/rose, I might not get so distressed about my bare, watchless wrist.