“Is self-care selfish?” is a pretty heated topic among Christians, which is why I decided to flesh it out. Here’s the good, bad and ugly run-down on self-care (especially for moms). Be sure to check out this self-care routine planner pack if you want to learn more about how to implement some of the practices I suggest!

I recently posted a discussion question in our Christian Mom Encouragement Facebook group that generated some pretty polarized responses:

“What are your thoughts on self-care?”

I purposely left any value judgment out of the question itself in order to see what the organic response would be. I immediately felt the angst in people’s comments. They generally fell into two categories:

• We absolutely need self-care to be healthy and serve our families well! 
• I’m sick of how entitled people are about shopping trips and manicures and how it will fix all of their problems!

I too wrestle with the idea. Is self-care selfish? Or is it necessary? (Or, dare I say, both?)

This is such a hot topic, for moms especially, because so many of us are feeling burned out trying to live the Christian life of self-denial (I get messages about it every day!).

Spoiler: I’ve ultimately decided to lean towards self-care being a good thing for Christians (in fact, I’ve got a bunch of resources that can help you practice it better if you want to check those out). However, it’s important to define what we actually mean by self-care if we’re going to practice it in a way that honors God.

Here is what the Bible does—and doesn’t—say if you’re at all wondering about how to approach self-care from a Christian perspective.

Related: Should Christians Prioritize Self-Care?

1. The Term Self-Care Is Not in the Bible

I’m actually going to start out with what the Bible doesn’t say. This is just as important as what it does say—because I can’t base a whole argument on something that really has no biblical foundation to begin with.

So let it be clearly stated: “self-care” is not in the Bible. Do a word search in any translation. You won’t find it.

Those of you who are in the “self-care is selfish” camp might be feeling pretty smug. It’s not there; therefore self-care must be selfish.

Hold your horses, though; just because the term as we understand it isn’t there doesn’t mean that self-care as a concept can’t be inferred from the scriptures. But those of you on “pro side” shouldn’t get too excited because you’re not free and clear yet either.

We need to be careful taking modern concepts in a modern language and trying to get the scriptures to fit a certain agenda, no matter what the argument. I’ll tread carefully here and try not to read too much into the biblical text. But I think there is enough teaching that makes a few relevant points about how to understand self-care.

My current understanding is that caring for our whole being, a.k.a “self-care,” is a biblical concept. But, like many concepts intended for our good, it can have a dark side when pursued outside of its intended purposes.

Related: 10 Bible Verses for the Stressed Out Mama

2. Sabbath Rest as Self-Care

Newsflash: did you know there are TEN Commandments? Like, in your Bible? See Exodus 20 if you don’t believe me.

Nine of them make a lot of sense, like worshiping God alone, not killing people, not cheating on your spouse and not being a dirty rotten liar or thief.

But then there’s this pesky one about remembering the Sabbath day and keeping it holy. It’s a real head-scratcher.

I’m going to skip over the theological debate about who is and isn’t bound under the Mosaic covenant (I’m going to presume that most of you, like myself, think you are not); let’s talk about why that commandment is there in the first place. If it’s it God’s top ten list, then it’s probably not an arbitrary rule (none of the Torah’s commandments are, but that’s a discussion for another day).

Sabbath rest existed as a concept long before Moses received the Ten Commandments; in fact, God instituted it from Genesis.

Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.

By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

Genesis 2:1–2

It’s a beautiful story; God created the world, finishing it up with his image-bearing children. He tasked them with ruling over the earth on his behalf, reflecting his glory. 

But before they got to work, there was something even more important: the invitation to rest with him in his presence, to delight in all the beauty he had made. This was the pattern of what he wanted for his children; even after the fall of mankind, rest is something we continue to seek as we move towards the ultimate restoration of creation (see Hebrews 4).

So what are we to make of this?

God designed humans (and all of creation) with the need to rest. This includes eating, sleeping, celebrating and ultimately being restored. We are not machines.

We can choose to rest weekly, by observing a Sabbath, but we can also choose other restful disciplines daily, monthly, or whenever it’s appropriate.

When I view self-care through the lens of Sabbath rest, it’s quite the opposite of selfish. It takes restraint and faith to stop working and to trust in him who cares for you rather than trying to do it all yourself.

Related: 3 Ways Overwhelmed Moms Can Truly Rest

This is a huge topic! If you’re intrigued, you can learn more about how to understand Sabbath rest practically in my eCourse, Choose Rest.

3. Stewardship as Self-Care

At first glance, it looks like the New Testament is rather inconsistent when it comes to anything that might relate to self-care. Jesus explicitly says to deny yourself if you want to be his disciple and to cut off your hand if it causes you to sin. But he also is faithful about observing the Sabbath and invites his followers to rest in him (Matthew 11:28–30).

The apostle Paul says that he “beats his body and makes it his slave” in order to align himself with God’s purposes. Yet he also instructs Christians to live quiet lives and to treat their bodies as living temples.

All of those passages, of course, make more sense when read in their proper contexts. The unifying theme is loving and honoring God with all of your heart, mind, soul and strength, which is God’s greatest commandment throughout the whole Bible.

Another way to look at this is stewardship—or in other words viewing yourself as God’s property and not your own. If your body is not your own, as Paul says, then how does God want you to treat it? How does that affect your view of not only your physical, but also your mental and spiritual health?

There will be times when you have to sacrifice “self-care” because there is a more pressing need that God is calling you to. This could be a season of less sleep (yep, I’m talking to you mamas) or a time when you have to give up something you enjoy. You will probably have periods in your life of more extreme stress and suffering as well.

But that doesn’t mean you should be in a constant state of repressing your own needs—or even your wants. The fully human Jesus himself slept, took time away by himself, feasted and even enjoyed being anointed with luxurious perfume, without guilt or apology. God the Father enjoys giving good gifts to his children—and we can ask for them! There is a time for everything, as Ecclesiastes says.

Related: 20 Simple Self-Care Ideas to Revitalize Body, Mind & Soul

4. Entitlement as Self-Care

Going back to the original question: “Is self-care selfish?” Unfortunately, it can be, when viewed outside of the more biblical understandings I’ve already outlined.

One way self-care is selfish is when we fall into the trap of entitlement. This is, in other words, when we do something that can be good for us, but under the pretext that we deserve it.

I’ll use an example of entitlement from my own life. Like many stay-at-home moms, I lived for nap time when my kids were little. It was a time for me to relax and do what I wanted to do rather than being the chef/nanny/maid 24/7.

So when someone didn’t sleep for their allotted time, for whatever reason (and there were many), I felt angry. After all, I deserved a break, right? How dare my child take that time away from me?

Related: 6 Important Things to Remember When You’re Angry & Frustrated with Your Kids

You can see how self-care entitlement is a very slippery slope indeed. I call to mind a story about self-preservation in Luke. Martha appears to have felt entitled to her sister’s help when they were hosting Jesus. I speculate her mind would have been more at rest with an orderly kitchen and Mary being in her “proper” place, instead of inserting herself in a traditionally male sphere at the feet of the rabbi. Jesus called out her error—perhaps he can call out ours as well.

When you view opportunities for self-care as gifts you can appreciate through the lens of stewardship and rest, rather than entitlements, it’s a lot easier to be flexible and open to different ways God might be working. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t protect your need to rest (quite the opposite, actually). But it does mean you can hold onto your expectations and your boundaries loosely.

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5. Escapism as Self-Care

Another way self-care can be selfish, which is closely related to entitlement, is escapism. 

When practicing escapism as a form of self-care, as the name indicates, you’re escaping rather than really resting. It can be a little tricky to tell the difference, but here are a few examples that compare the two approaches:

• Resting: enjoying a slice of pie as a way to celebrate the end of the workweek with your family.
• Escaping: eating a slice of pie as a way to cope with stress from work.
  

• Resting: enjoying a bubble bath after the kids have gone to bed as a way to relax your tense muscles for sleep.
• Escaping: having a bubble bath so you can avoid your husband after your kids have gone to bed.
  

• Resting: sleeping in a few minutes late because you were up late praying and talking through a hard day.
• Escaping: sleeping in a few minutes late because you were binging on Netflix last night to get your mind off your worries.
  

• Resting: scrolling Instagram for a few minutes after lunch and feeling inspired by your favorite influencers.
• Escaping: obsessing over how many people like your posts multiple times a day.
  

Escapism, frankly, is directly related to idolizing everything but God and resisting rest, which leads us down all kinds of dark paths. We give into the desires of our animal instincts rather than responding to the nudges of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22–23).

Of course, we all fall short and give into temptation from time to time, and as a result we can feel guilty about any self-care at all! But hopefully you can see that there is a difference between selfish self-care and restful self-care, and that difference is all about the heart behind it.

Related: 12 Signs of Mom Burnout and What to Do About It

How to Practice Non-Selfish Self-Care

For me, the best way to avoid selfish self-care and to embrace biblical self-care is to be intentional about the way I practice it. 

If you’re wondering how, a great place to start is with planning a self-care routine.

Now it’s your turn: what are your thoughts on self-care? 

Overwhelmed and exhausted? Mom burnout is a problem most of us have at some point—here’s how to recognize it and what to do about it.

Also be sure to check out me free email course that will help you think differently about stress and kick burnout to the curb.

It was a Friday not too long ago and I was T-I-R-E-D. When my husband asked how I was doing, I just gave him “the look.”

You probably know it. It’s the I-have-been-dealing-with-kids-all-week-and-you-don’t-even-know-how-exhausting-this-is-because-my-to-do-list-is-still-18-miles-long-and-my-head-hurts-and-I-would-love-to-just-escape-to-your-office-and-do-grown-up-work-for-a-change. A.k.a the “mommy burnout” look.

Related: 3 Ways Overwhelmed Moms Can Truly Rest

I knew I was in a bad place because I started to indulge in one of my fantasies. This particular one was having an 8–5 job where I could dress professionally, change the world and make a lot of money. Another one would be taking a one-way drive to…anywhere but here. By myself.

Of course, my logical brain knew that I would probably be even more stressed if I went back to work at our current life stage and it probably wouldn’t live up to my fantasy expectations. And no family really ever benefited from the wife/mother running away.

If you’re a mom, stress and burnout are just things that you deal with. Probably more than you’d like to admit.

If you’re like me, you’re probably pushing yourself so hard that you don’t notice that burnout is even happening…until it’s too late. You break, sometimes with adverse side effects to your loved ones and to your health.

But here’s the thing…in my observation, while moms hate feeling this way, in American culture we tend to wear stress likes it’s a badge of honor. Like the fewer hours of sleep and self-care you get, the more superhuman points you have.

(Speaking from experience. Also, hopeless articles like this and this that are so common right now.)

Yes, stress and burnout happen to the best of us. Sometimes you’re going to be under pressure and snap.

But you know what else? This doesn’t have to be our normal, mamas. I’ve spent too much time feeling anxious, depressed and resentful about my motherhood season, and that is NOT the kind of mom I want to raise my kids.

Anthony Tran

12 Signs of Mom Burnout (and That Something Needs to Change)

Having kids does weird things to you. You think you’re a happy, healthy person…but then when a little bit of pressure happens (like having children around), that pretty version of yourself starts to fall apart.

Here are a few signs that you’re suffering from mom burnout, as evidenced by your physical and emotional health:

1. Insomnia: Even when you’re exhausted, you can’t fall asleep when you go to bed because your mind won’t shut down.
2. Muscle tension: If you suffer from upper back, neck or shoulder pain, chances are that you’re suffering from stress tension. This can be exacerbated by a weak core, poor flexibility, or poor alignment in the spine. I’ve struggled with this kind of pain for years…and whenever it comes back, it’s like an alarm bell for me that I need to address my stress.
3. Headaches: If you experience tightness and pain at your forehead, or around the back of your head and neck, the tension may be caused by stress.
4. Skin conditions: Rashes and other outbreaks sometimes indicate that your immune system is run down and not protecting your body the way it should. I personally get a weird fungus on the palms of my hands, especially when I’m not getting enough sleep.
5. Frequent illnesses: If you feel like you just can’t beat the colds that are coming your way, it may be another sign that your immune system isn’t functioning as it should due to stress.
6. Anxiety: This is a blanket term, but if you’re suffering from severe conditions like panic attacks and a racing pulse, that’s a sign that something is very wrong! (Please see a doctor.) Even if you don’t experience the obvious physical systems, ongoing worry and anxiety will wear on you emotionally and physically.
7. Menstrual cycle fluctuations: When your body is in the stress response, it is essentially telling your ovaries that now is not a good time to make babies. If you’re having abnormal fluctuations, stress may be the cause.
8. Weight fluctuations: Stress can affect your weight in either direction, due to emotional eating, loss of appetite or poor digestion.
9. Digestive issues: When you’re under stress, your body will naturally be focused on tasks related to immediate survival (for our ancestors, that was often running away from danger). When this happens, the body saves energy by pulling away from less important tasks—like digesting your food properly. If you deal with a range of digestion issues, consider stress.
10. Moodiness and irritability: This is perhaps less extreme than some of the physical symptoms, but it may be one of the things that bother you the most. If you are unreasonably emotionally reactive to the people you love or things in your everyday life, it may be a symptom of underlying stress. Stress affects your hormones, which can cause you to be depressed and cranky.
11. Escapism and addiction: Do you have a bad habit that you’re having a hard time mastering? It could be anything from overeating to drug abuse to social media addiction. In times of stress, you’re going to be a lot more likely to turn to self-medicating.
12. Inability to focus or remember: Remember, when your body is in the stress response, your brain is focused on survival and doing what it perceives is most important. But that means that details like where you left your car keys can be forgotten.

I don’t share this list to scare you. But as you can see, there are consequences to living this way. An estimated 75-90 percent of doctor visits are related to stress-related conditions!

Not dealing with the minor symptoms now can lead to major problems down the road. Plus, no one wants to be stuck as a cranky, irrational mom. I sure don’t.

Related: 7 Easy Ways for Moms to Find Stress Relief

Practical Ways to Deal with Mom Burnout

 I already know what you’re thinking, because I think it too: being a mom is so stinking demanding. It just doesn’t seem realistic to go on a six-month sabbatical or spend an hour in meditative prayer each morning.

So what can we do?

We’re not fighting this battle alone. Jesus said that those who are beaten, broken, weary and burdened are blessed. Not because they’re tough, but because he loves them.

When we are weak, his strength can shine (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Having said that, if you’re feeling burned out as a mom, I don’t want to just give you a feel-good pat on the back. The more I’ve lived and studied and learned, the more strongly I believe that when we really look to Jesus and the wisdom of the Bible, we are fully equipped to be better wives and moms.

Stress-free? No. But made better and stronger through our trials? Yes.

I believe that mom burnout doesn’t have to be our m.o. But in order to beat it, we have to first recognize it and its consequences, and then respond with intention.

Related: 10 Bible Verses for the Stressed Out Mama

You’ve probably heard about “fight or flight” mode. You’ve probably been told that stress is bad for you and makes you sick and that you should avoid it. Maybe you even grabbed a handy but vague flyer from the doctor’s office about stress management.

However…

These things are not helpful for a mom suffering from burnout! They probably make you feel more stressed!

Here’s the deal: God designed you to respond to stress for your good. It is part of living and life. It’s the way your body responds when something you care about it is at stake.

So let me rephrase that: stress is actually good for you. The Bible doesn’t use the word “stress” the way we understand it, but it sure does refer to suffering. And suffering, while not pleasant, helps us grow.

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Once you understand that, you can start processing the reality of stress in your life in healthy ways. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Recognize what you can and can’t control. If you took a few minutes and wrote down the things that were causing you stress, how many of them do you think are factors that you can change? My guess is very few.
2. Pray with focus and intention. Those things you can’t change? Submit them to the one who has the power to do anything. You might not get the outcome you want, but by relinquishing control you are taking a load off your shoulders. (See more on how to pray.)
3. Set priorities and boundaries. You do have control over how you spend your time and energy. Protect what’s yours. Simplify your life and learn how to manage your time.
4. Take your thoughts captive. Toxic thinking leads to more toxic thinking and actually harms your brain. You can change the way you think.
5. Practice rest and self-care. I used to think that I would rest after my kids got older. While being a mom is demanding, I still have a responsibility to take care of these limited resources called my body and my mind. Sabbath rest was instituted in the Bible from the first chapter. We’re not exempt just because we’re busy.
6. Lean on your support system. Human beings were created to live in community, yet so many of us are trying to raise our families in isolation. I know it’s hard, but recognize your limits and ask for support—whether it’s from your husband, your family or the neighbor you don’t know very well. And if you don’t know whom to ask (because I’ve been there), then that is the first thing you can start praying about.

Related: 5 Radically Different Stress Relief Tips Every Mom Needs to Hear

Fortunately for the innocent bystanders in my household, I’ve had enough mom burnout moments that I’ve learned how to recover quickly. Over that weekend I was able to take time to recharge and strategize about how to not be psycho wife. And for the most part, it worked.

Mom burnout happens, but I believe that when you recognize your limits and manage your stress response prayerfully, it doesn’t have to be the norm.

Want to learn more about managing stress, biblically and practically? Be sure to sign up for StressLESS!

Do you think you might be suffering from mom burnout? What are you going to do about it?

You’ve probably heard the typical stress relief tips like eating better, meditating and exercise…and feel guilty about not following them. What you really need is to radically shift your mindset—so you can live the life God intended you to.

Read on if you want to learn five refreshing ways to be transformed…and if you want to dig even deeper, be sure to check out my free email course on radically different stress management, StressLESS.

I get emails all the time about how hard mom life is.

From different parts of the country and world, from families of all sizes and lifestyles, I hear you. You don’t get enough sleep. The kids’ needs are so demanding. Your marriage is suffering. You’re lonely; your home is a disaster; you wish you could pray more, but you’re so completely spent that you can’t focus for more than a few seconds at a time.

To sum it up, we are all dealing with the reality of stress in the modern world.

It’s one of the reasons I completed a certificate in Christian stress management coaching a couple of years ago. We’ve all got this ugly thing hanging over our head—stress— that few of us really know how to deal with.

But since over 75% of visits to the doctor’s office (at least in the U.S.) are stress-related, we’ve got to face the fact that maybe our society isn’t equipping us with the best ways to cope. As a result, our health, our faith and our relationships suffer.

If you pick up a pamphlet with secular stress management tips, you’ll probably see the typical checklist of the things you should be doing: Take breaks. Exercise more and eat less sugar. Meditate.

One thing they forget to mention is how to deal with the panic you feel when you realize that these are just more things to add to your to-do list.

That’s why I decided to take a different approach when it comes to stress. I’ve developed a 5-part biblical framework with stress relief tips for moms that are not things to add to your to-do list. Rather, they’re a way to shift your perspective and be empowered to live your life fully the way God intended you to.

Want to dig deeper? StressLESS is a five-day email course that will help you shift your mindset.

5 Stress Relief Tips You Need to Hear

1. Repeat After Me: Stress Is Not Evil

When you start to care about something—be it trivial like what to eat for dinner or more substantial like a loved one’s illness—your body responds physiologically. Your attention and your senses are heightened. Adrenaline and cortisol are released. Your heart beats faster; you mobilize your energy and start to sweat. You’re motivated to act and might be anxious or excited. 

You may have heard of this defined as “fight or flight,” so named because these reactions help us respond in an emergency.

The problem is, when your body is in this state too much and doesn’t receive adequate recovery time, you can start to suffer. Chronic stress leads to a host of complications including anxiety disorders, addictions and a weakened immune system.

What many people don’t know is that stress has benefits, aside from enabling you to respond quickly. It can also help you reach out to others and grow in your knowledge and wisdom. 

Related: Why Stress is Actually Good For You

Repeat after me: stress is not evil. It just has to be understood and properly managed. When I first started studying it, it dawned on me that God has known this and has been sharing this with us all along: 

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. 

Romans 5:3–4, NIV

With this shift in mindset, you can stop stressing out about stressing out (because really, that in itself is quite stressful!).

2. Let Go of What You Can’t Control

Perhaps you’ve heard of the Serenity Prayer, attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

Someone once told me that the only things we really have control over are our little daily decisions. And over time, these decisions add up and help determine the course of our lives.

This is an important stress relief tip for moms to recognize because sometimes we spend way too much time agonizing over the things we can’t control, when we could be a lot more productive focusing on the things we can.

I call the things you can’t control stress environments and events. These include things like your workplace, your relationships, where you live, death, divorce, job change, new marriage, new baby or a move. In some cases you can remove yourself from these stressors, but sometimes you can’t.

But let’s talk about the things you can control. In essence, these are the things that either help you when you’re responding to stress, or hurt you. I call them aggravators and stabilizers.

Stress aggravators are poor responses to stress and unhealthy practices in your life.

Stress stabilizers are conditions and habits in your life that can minimize the impact of stress.

It takes work, but focusing on these two things can make you much more resilient to the stressors in your life you can’t control.

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3. Take Control of Toxic Thinking

I’m going to talk about one of the aggravators that can wreak havoc on your stress levels. You could call it negative thinking; I think it might be more accurately described as believing the enemy’s lies.

I have to be perfect.

I need to be more like that other mom.

I need to read my Bible and pray in a certain way in order to be a good Christian.

These lies come subtly and are easy to consume. We turn them over and over in our heads until we’re paralyzed and stressed out.

There’s a better way, and this stress management tip comes straight from the New Testament:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:4–9, NIV

You have control over your thoughts. It takes a ton of work, but you can actually retrain your brain to focus on what’s true, noble and right.

Related: 10 Bible Verses for the Stressed Out Mom

4. Be the Boss of Your Boundaries

My tendency as a mama is to take the weight of the world on my shoulders. Not only do I worry about my kids and making the perfect life for them, but I worry about pleasing everyone around me—extended family, church family, work demands, you name it.

But when I’m not careful, I can skyrocket my stress level with this powerful aggravator called poor boundaries.

When you have poor boundaries, you take more ownership than you need to in stressful situations. You try to fix problems that aren’t yours. You have a hard time saying “no.” Not only does this steal other people’s freedom to own their own problems (even within your own family!), but you can start sliding down the slippery slope of resentment and blame.

And of course, through it all, stress hormones continue to pump through your body. 

Proverbs 14:10 says, “Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.” While you can empathize with other people’s problems, coach them, and pray for them, you can’t and shouldn’t own them. Do you see the difference?

Better boundaries are something I have been working on for years in the way I spend my time and where I invest my heart. If you have difficulty setting boundaries, you’re probably not going to get an instant fix, but you can make huge strides in the right direction!

You can start working on this anytime. Say no to the responsibilities that aren’t yours to take.

Related: How to Set Biblical Boundaries as a Christian

5. Choose Rest When You’re Stressed

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God invented rest and practiced it on the seventh day of the creation account we read in Genesis 1–2. He made his day of rest, called the Shabbat, holy, or set apart as something special. He sat back, celebrated the completion of his work, and enjoyed what he had made. Later, he commanded his chosen people, the Israelites, to do the same at the end of their workweek.

I’m guessing most of my readers (myself included) wouldn’t consider themselves to be bound to the Shabbat laws of Torah. But…maybe we’re missing out?

I identify adequate rest as a stabilizer when it comes to your personal stress level. We’re better equipped to respond to what life throws at us when we’re better rested—not only physically, but mentally and spiritually too. 

We need rest. Otherwise, not only do we get run down, but we also forget about our Creator who wants us to celebrate his creation with him. 

How to Put These Stress Relief Tips into Practice 

I’ve found that what is truly restful isn’t always convenient. Sometimes you’ll just have to “let it go” when the work you so desperately want to finish has to sit another day. Just remember that, for many centuries, people have trusted God to provide when they chose not to work and to honor him instead.

I hope you’ve found these stress relief tips helpful whether you’re a mom or really any human with responsibilities. When you’re mindful about managing your stress, not only do you equip yourself to be a better parent and spouse, but I believe you also give more space for God to work in your life.

To learn more, I’d encourage you to sign up for my free email course, StressLESS, in which you’ll get five lessons over five days.

Leave a comment: what’s your attitude towards stress, and what’s a stress relief tip you’ve found helpful?

Recently, this headline about how overwhelmed modern families are popped up in my Facebook newsfeed. 

I couldn’t resist clicking because this topic is so familiar to me. The reporter interviewed families and researchers to get a snapshot of the typical middle-class American home: frantic schedules, more toys than people know what to do with, and a general attitude of “well that’s just the way it is.” 

I was sad to reach the end and see that there was no solution or hope offered; so many parents are simply feeling defeated.

I’ve been caught in that cycle myself.

Not too long ago, I was feeling overwhelmed as a mom of small children and just accepted that this was my lot in life. 

As they got older, the demands on my body, time and energy changed, but the stress level really didn’t. The clutter piled up throughout the house; our schedule got fuller with activities and demands. And I saw the direction we were headed as I watched some of my 

So I decided to make some changes. It started with cleaning out my closet, and it’s still in process as I grapple with the biblical concept of rest.

To be honest, I can’t say that I’m completely out of the woods when it comes to everyday overwhelm as a mom and I doubt I ever will be. But there’s a difference in mindset that has made a profound difference in the way I look at my life.

Rest is a choice.

Faithful Rest vs. Fake Rest

Rest is not a new concept, but it is unfamiliar to many of us in the way we live. Even our days off are not really “off;” they’re full of fake rest.

For moms especially, there’s no such thing as a lazy Sunday afternoon; we pack productivity into every margin of the day: folding laundry, wiping counters and catching up on phone calls. If we get that special moment to collapse into a nap, it’s out of sheer necessity and we feel guilty afterward.

Or maybe that’s just me.

Fake rest is the way of the world, friends. It is not the way of God.

What do you mean, Gina? I hear you say. The Christian life is one of self-sacrifice, is it not?

Yes, it is. And that’s why maybe we need to sacrifice the old way of thinking: that I will work myself to death for my family and community, and somehow be more righteous in the end.

God instituted rest from the beginning. In the creation account (Genesis 1), he rested. A weekly holy day of rest was one of the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20). He commanded his people to even let the land rest every seven years (Exodus 23). He has built cycles of rest into nature: days, nights, seasons.

Why?

Perhaps when we choose rest, we acknowledge that we can’t do it all or be it all. If Jesus himself had no qualms about taking naps, sneaking off by himself, and shutting all but his inner circle out from time to time, why do we treat self-care like it’s some luxury or guilty pleasure?

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28–30).

Related: 10 Encouraging Bible Verses for the Overwhelmed Mama

Perhaps when we choose rest, we give God the opportunity to show us how he works.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed with motherhood or just life, I want you to know that there’s hope, that you can break the cycle, that you can choose rest. 

It isn’t easy. In fact, choosing rest takes faith. But I can tell you from experience that the rewards are abundant and everlasting.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed as a mom, consider three ways you can intentionally choose rest: for your body, your mind and your soul.

Want to dig deeper? Be sure to check out my email series, StressLESS.

1. Choosing Rest for Your Body

Confession: I have been known on more than one occasion to wish out loud that I just didn’t have to sleep. Just imagine all that I could get done! (Especially if my kids had to sleep and I didn’t.)

But alas, the mind is willing; the body is weak.

Trust me, I’ve tried to push the limits. I had many a late night in college. I thought I was a champion then, but a few years later babies came, a period which redefined the meaning of “sleep deprivation.”

My body was literally pushed to its limits in every sense of the word during the baby years. And you know what my response was? Tearful joy and gratitude Frustration. I felt like my rights and ownership of my time and energy were completely stripped away.

Even then, I’d try to calculate the minimum amount of sleep I needed to still feel like a human (somewhere around seven hours, I guessed—not too bad, right?). I’d set my alarm as a good, disciplined mama should so I could get a good jump-start to my day, even though by the time afternoon hit I’d be reaching for my umpteenth cup of coffee to make it through.

The result was: I did “make it,” technically, with “just enough” rest. But it wouldn’t take much to tip me into a very cranky, self-centered fatigue. I also suffered from chronic back pain due to stress and inadequately rebuilding my muscle strength after three pregnancies in four years.

I share all these things with you to illustrate that for many years, I’ve had a problem when it comes to my body. And that problem is: I’m just not content with its natural limitations.

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Fatigue Is a Symptom: Listen to It

While some people do have complicated and chronic health problems that contribute to fatigue (hang on for a minute if that’s you), for many of us it’s the result of our choices.

If you’re always feeling overwhelmed, tired, cranky and weak, it might be time to take a little pause and do some self-reflection. You are not a victim of your circumstances, mama. No matter what stage of life you’re in, you are in charge of how you spend your limited time and energy.

A few years ago I got certified as a stress management coach. While my ultimate goal was to help others, I quickly learned that student #1 is me. And hands down, the biggest takeaway from my training was embarrassingly simple.

I needed to sleep more.

As I’ve already explained, I have been in the habit of pushing my body to its limits since pretty much forever. But here’s the problem with that. 

Each night, your brain goes through several cycles as you sleep, typically about 90 minutes in length, which get increasingly longer over the course of a night. During the first part of each cycle, the rest is primarily regenerative for your body. For the second part (also called REM or dream sleep), it is for your brain.

Up until recently, I denied myself my last cycle of sleep. In other words, my brain didn’t get that last bit of regenerative time it has needed to function at full capacity. The result:

• Crankiness/short patience
• Increased anxiety/worry
• Decreased mental sharpness/productivity
• Memory loss
• Frazzled mama/mommy brain
• Lack of energy/motivation
• You get the idea

And so I started making sleep a priority. Simple right? I now get 8–8 ½ hours most nights. And the difference is astounding. I can honestly say I don’t miss that extra hour in the day one bit because during my time awake I am so much more energized.

Strategies for More Sleep

I know, I know, you’ve got a million excuses for why you can’t make more time for sleep, or even if you do, you can’t fall asleep. I never said it was easy. But consider some of the following strategies and see if you can’t make some small changes:

• Increase the amount of time you sleep in small increments (in other words, don’t jump from five to eight hours a night because your body will not adjust well).
• Experiment to find how much sleep you actually need versus what you’ve been forcing on yourself. Try to sleep for as long as you can without an alarm (do the math; you’ll have to either get up later or get to bed earlier).
• Stop drinking caffeine after lunch.
• Turn off electronics at least 30 minutes before bedtime.
• Follow a calming nighttime ritual. This might include activities that trigger your brain into “shut-down mode” like dumping all of your thoughts onto a piece of paper so you can save your worries for tomorrow. Make a mental “turn off” point.
• Keep your bedroom cool, quiet, dark and tidy to make it more relaxing (if you have a night owl husband, I highly recommend earplugs and an eye mask!)
• Go to bed and wake up at the same time each day.
• If you have babies or other things that wake you up, try to compensate. Give yourself even more time to sleep in or go to bed earlier. Take short naps. Try to adjust your work schedule. Ask for help from your husband or support network so you can find the time you need to rest.
• Keep a sleep diary and track your patterns throughout the day so you can identify what might be causing sleep deprivation (I recommend this one).

Now, as I said in the last section, some people are suffering from more complex health conditions, whether mental, physical, or often both. If this is you, seek help from a medical professional. If they don’t have the answers, ask another one. Don’t stop searching for answers.

These are all simple strategies. The hardest part is deciding, or giving yourself permission, to follow them.

Related: 20 Simple Self-Care Ideas to Revitalize Your Body, Mind & Soul

2. Choosing Rest for Your Mind

On any given day, I have been known to misplace my keys, phone, wallet, purse, watch, glasses and a number of small accessories. I find myself spacing out during important conversations and making thoughtless decisions. And like many women in my station in life, I identify a single culprit.

Mommy brain: The phenomenon known to mothers where their brains become useless piles of goo after being around their children for too long (Urban Dictionary).

Funny as it is, there is actually scientific evidence that overstimulation, in combination with sleep deprivation, does, in fact, turn your brain into a useless pile of goo as far as intellectual capacity is concerned.

Related: 12 Signs of Mom Burnout, and What You Can Actually Do About It

Not only do we have the normal pressures of stress and sleep deprivation that just come with the role, but modern moms also have another factor working against them. What do you do when you have a moment of breathing room in the middle of your day? I’ll admit it: I reach for my phone.

But it’s like drinking salt water when I’m already dehydrated. While there’s nothing wrong with checking in with an app or a message, it does little to nothing to provide the recharge that my heart and mind desperately need. What’s more, it can actually hurt me.

Consider this:

• Excessive social media use interferes with clear thinking and decision-making and leads to lower self-control, impulsive buying and poor eating decisions.
• It’s also associated with higher BMI, binge eating, a lower credit score and credit card debt.
• “Milkshake multitasking” (specifically overstimulation from screens) prevents focused thought, which opens us to shallow judgments and decisions, along with passive mindlessness. (Source: Switch On Your Brain by Caroline Leaf)

Related post: Social Media Addiction: 20 Strategies To Break It

To sum it up, we have a lot of factors working against us. That’s why we need to be very mindful of how we combat mental overstimulation in our hectic lives.

How to Banish Mommy Brain

I’ll be clear: electronics or being around our kids 24/7 isn’t the heart of the problem.

The problem is not prioritizing rest for our hearts and minds (in addition to more sleep).

It’s called wakeful rest. You’re not asleep, but your mind is disengaged from stimulation. You might be surprised at just how refreshing it is to just give your mind permission to wander.

Amazing things can happen when you daydream. (Personally, this is why I enjoy a looooong shower). Your brain processes everything that is jostling around in there. You start solving problems and having original ideas. You can approach the next task without feeling completely taxed.

If you don’t have that space, your brain can’t process all that it’s taking in over a given day (or longer). Combine this with sleep deprivation, and you have a guaranteed recipe for chronic mommy brain.

Sidenote: you might want to retain a little control when your mind wanders. If you’re prone to depression and anxiety, I suggest learning practices for guiding your thoughts in positive and productive directions.

Related post: How I Manage Anxiety with 5 Calming Steps

Remember that leaving space for mental rest also gives you the opportunity to pray and surrender all of your thoughts to God. 

More Strategies for Mental Health

I know it’s hard to practice this kind of rest. I’m a work-at-home, homeschooling mom; quiet time for my overwhelmed mommy brain seems like an impossible dream on some days.

But here are a few suggestions for creating that much-needed space:

• Have set hours in your daily schedule when screens are off and phones are out of reach.
• Turn off your phone’s app notifications.
• When your mind is feeling taxed, give yourself permission to just stop what you’re doing and reflect or pray for a few minutes before continuing on with your task.
• Leave space in your daily schedule for breathing room. Don’t just jam as many tasks as possible into your limited free time. (Not sure where to fit it in? See The Ultimate Time Management Guide for Moms.)
• Ask for help when you feel like your head is going to explode. Have your husband or another friend or family member watch your kids for as little as ten minutes so you can get some time to think and reset.
• Find an enjoyable, restful activity outside of scrolling through your phone that you can do during downtimes, whether that’s listening to music, crocheting, gardening, cooking, etc.

For me, the biggest change I have made personally in this area is simply giving myself permission to stop and rest my busy mind. And because it’s a priority, I make sure that I have breathing room in my daily schedule.

A short but important note here: if you feel overwhelmed to the point of not being able to function—please don’t hesitate to seek help from a professional. 

3. Choosing Soul Rest

Not too long ago, I hadn’t been to Sunday worship in about a month.

That’s weird for me because, with perhaps the exception of when my children were born, I have been quite the dedicated attendee for all of my Christian life.

I had excuses: being out of town and sickness on consecutive weeks. And while I was otherwise doing well spiritually (I mean I hadn’t committed any crimes or anything), I nonetheless felt a little…off.

Excited to return to the fold after my absence, my heart sank when I realized I was on rotation to teach in children’s ministry during the service. I can listen to the sermons online, but to be perfectly honest, hanging with kids is not my favorite way to spend Sunday mornings, considering I am herding children all the livelong day every other day of the week.

I couldn’t get out of this commitment, but I knew that I desperately needed spiritual food. So I had to assess: how could I continue to give, without falling into the trap of Christian burnout?

Understanding Christian Burnout

Let’s just call a spade a spade, okay? Christian burnout happens when you give and give and give for the spiritual good of others but you’re bone dry yourself. I’ve been there. A lot.

What’s tricky about it is that it looks like you’re doing well. You’re serving in your church; you’re practically laying down your life for your family; you’re reaching outward and helping people. You could even be reading your Bible dutifully and be doing everything “right.”

But inside, you’re feeling so overwhelmed that you’re like a bomb waiting to go off. All it takes is for your child to speak in that whiny voice or your husband to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and you snap in a quite ugly, non-Christ-like way.

How do we navigate these tricky waters: doing the work we know we’re called to, without wearing ourselves down? For me, a key answer to this question, once again, is rest. Specifically, soul rest.

Tips for Soul Rest

Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me (John 15:4, NIV).

The word Sabbath means a deep rest, a deep peace. It’s a near synonym for shalom—a state of wholeness and flourishing in every dimension of life. When Jesus says, ‘I am the Lord of the Sabbath,” Jesus means that he is the Sabbath. He is the source of the deep rest we need. He has come to completely change the way we rest. The one-day-a-week rest we take is just a taste of the deep divine rest we need, and Jesus is its source (Jesus the King by Timothy Keller, p. 44).

I like to make things complicated, but it’s really quite simple. Jesus. The beginning and the end. The source, the vine.

It’s hard to wrap my head around how this works, but I know if I am seeking Jesus, I’m pointed in the right direction. When I remain, or abide, with him, as he commands that we do in John 15, he works through me.

So what does this look like?

Unfortunately, I can’t provide a formulaic way to rest or a spiritual checklist that will answer that question. Resting in Christ is primarily about relationship, which is full of nuance. 

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But I can offer you some guidelines and principles that have helped me tremendously, and you can apply them to your own situation.

1. Keeping the Sabbath: this concept has been all but foreign to me until a couple of years ago. I liked the concept, but I just didn’t see how it would work practically. But then I thought I’d do a little experiment. The need to rest was practically screaming at me from the scriptures, so…why not try it? For a 24-hour period each week, I do not check email or social media. I don’t do major housework, errands or work. I have found this simple practice to be the most powerful in helping me feel refreshed and Christ-centered as I start my week. 
   
2. Connecting with Christ: speaking with being Christ-centered, it takes intention. Taking communion, prayer, worship and digging into my Bible is an essential piece of my Sunday, even when I’m “serving” in children’s ministry or elsewhere. Focusing my heart and soul on the cross is not something I strive to do just weekly, but continuously. When I create space in my life for this kind of connection, I am much more likely to pray deeply, to examine my heart and to surrender my anxieties.
   
3. Community: this one can be tough for me because I am indeed an introvert and, as I’ve indicated, I can burn out. But I need people, and they need me. Christ is in the church, and therefore to be connected to him, we must be connected with each other. True community for me goes well beyond saying hello in fellowship on Sunday. I have prayed with my friends and laughed and cried over coffee and lamented our weaknesses while marveling at the way God works. Without these kinds of connections, I’m disconnected from the vine.

As with every aspect of rest I’ve explored in this article, soul rest is a choice.

I fulfilled my commitment to serving the kids on that Sunday…but I didn’t suffer from Christian burnout. That’s because I deliberately started my Sabbath on Saturday night as I sat down for dinner with my husband. I opened my morning in prayer and took communion thankfully before teaching the kids. I enjoyed my time with then and then enjoyed lunch with my family and a friend. 

And then I relaxed…entrusting God with my never-ending to-do list, abiding in him, and enjoying a piece of his creation (which on this particular day was a good book).

By the time Sunday evening rolled around, I was ready to take my week by the horns and give it my heart.

Want to Learn More About Facing Overwhelm…with Rest?

If you’re intrigued by the strategies I’ve presented in this article and want to dig deeper, I invite you to enroll in Choose Rest. This eCourse will help you learn how to take care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually…so you can finally give more to your family without feeling overwhelmed and burned out.

Not ready for a full course? Be to check out my free email series on stress management, StressLESS, so you can face overwhelm and stress the godly way.

Leave a comment: are you feeling overwhelmed with life and motherhood? What’s one small step way you can choose rest and feel a little better today?