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How To Rock Your Schedule (Plus Awesome Resources For Moms!)

May 19, 2016 by Gina Poirier 10 Comments

Disclosure: this post contains affiliate links. See here for more information.

Hello, my name is Gina and I have problems. Scheduling problems. Control problems.

I’m not lazy; in fact I know that on many days the thing I need most is to rest. But I can’t figure out when I can fit it in.

Being on time anywhere is a challenge. I have a full day go by and I know I’ve done a lot because the kids are still alive, but I look at the piles of toys and I’m like why???? I have a plan in my head about how my day should go and I don’t stick to it. Some days the word FAIL is plastered to my subconscious mind.

I get angry that there aren’t more hours in a day.

A few months ago I started blogging as a business and honestly, it has thrown me through a loop. Add some remodeling while I’m trying to declutter our house…I’ve had a few meltdowns, okay?

Dealing with my problems has involved some heart digging, but I’ve also had to come up with some practical solutions. I don’t need to feel like every area of my life is flawless, but I do feel like I need to have more sense of control, and less guilt.

I am in control of my schedule, my planner, my to-do lists. They do not run me.

After reassessing how I’m running my life and my household, one the major changes I made was to simply write my daily schedule down. I had done this at the beginning of our school year, but a lot has changed since then. I had an ideal schedule in my head, but there were a lot of nebulous gaps in it.

After writing my schedule from wakeup to bedtime, I’ve learned several things:

I have more time than I thought.
Social media is the biggest time-waster ever.
My kids are happier on a predictable schedule.
I feel less guilt about relaxing when I schedule it in.
I do have time to clean, cook and shop when I set aside the time to do it.
I’m more disciplined about taking care of myself and being healthy.

Trust me, even if you recoil at structure, this is so worth doing! Just try it! It doesn’t matter if you’re a stay-at-home, work-at-home or work-outside-the-home mom; you will benefit from scheduling your time at home.

Here are some general tips I have when creating your ideal schedule:

Be as specific as possible, but realize that these are just guidelines. Remember, you own your schedule. It doesn’t own you.
Give yourself a couple of “free” periods throughout the day that will give you time to catch up if you fall behind on scheduled tasks (or if you need more time to relax or play with your kids!).
Be very selective about what you do when your kids are asleep, including before they wake up, naptime and after they go to bed. Those are the times I absolutely need quiet—to read, pray, write or spend time with my husband. I try to get ready for the day or for bed when the kids are getting ready so I’m not wasting that precious sleep time doing things like brushing my teeth.
Include self-care times like relaxing or spending time with your spouse or going out with the girls.
Consider tasks that you can distribute throughout the week, such as working on a particular project or cleaning a certain area of the house. Try to do it on the same day each week; that way you won’t put it off.
Schedule time for essentials like errands, budgeting, organizing, whatever. I do those during our “free times” as needed.

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I’ll share my daily schedule here, just to give an example. This is my schedule, for the month of May, 2016. I have three kids, ages 3, 5 and almost 7, and we homeschool. Your routine might look like it…or not. I will adjust it again when summer vacation starts at the end of the month, and I will probably adjust again later. There is no one-size-fits-all solution, but seeing someone else’s schedule on paper can give you a little bit of guidance.

6:00	Wake up, read Bible, pray, work out
7:15	Kids wake up, breakfast, morning chores, get ready
8:30	Check email and social media
9:00	Homeschool
10:30	Free time or morning activity (parks, etc.)
12:00	Lunch, afternoon chores
1:00	Homeschool
2:00	Quiet/nap time for kids, writing/work for me
4:00	Free time
5:00	Make dinner, eat, clean up
6:30	Evening activities (vary)
8:00	Bedtime routine
9:00	Kids go to sleep, spend time with husband, relax
10:30	Sleep

Once school is wrapped up for the year, our schedule will adjust slightly. We won’t do school in the morning, so that time will be set aside for activities or household projects.

Since no one is exactly like me, I thought I’d link to a few ways other moms make their schedules:

Daily Schedules for Stay at Home Moms (for older or younger kids) via Our Small Hours

Toddler and Preschooler Daily Schedule via Tales of Beauty for Ashes

Time Blocking via Hey Donna

How To Balance a Business and a Baby without Going Insane via Brilliant Business Moms

Why a Stay at Home Mom Schedule Matters via Military Wife and Mom

Why and How To Make a SAHM Schedule via What You Make It

If you need more ideas, there are plenty on my Pinterest boards: Plan and Organize and Home Management.

And if you REALLY want some coaching through this, there are even more incredible resources out there:

Rhythms, Routines & Schedules by Rachel Norman and Lauren Tamm: ideas for simplifying and streamlining your life with kids from infancy through school age. I sooooo wish I had read this when my kids were babies; it provides many specific examples and ideas for how to manage your time when you very needy little ones.

Make Over Your Calendar by Crystal Paine: Crystal from Money Saving Mom is the expert on everything like this. She runs a very successful business while raising a family so she knows her stuff. This is a free video course, full of practicals. And if your really love Crystal, check out her popular courses: Make Over Your Mornings, Make Over Your Evenings and Make Over Your Year! I pretty much stalk her, FYI.

Family Systems: How to Automate Your Housewife Life by Hilary Erickson: I LOVE these ideas about how to make your home run like a well-oiled machine; I’m working through this eBook now! So much practical, sanity-saving advice.

You don’t have to be drowning in day-to-day life. While we all have unique circumstances, applying some of these wise principles provided by wise women WILL help.

And remember, as I often say, don’t look at all the examples and then feel insecure or overwhelmed because you don’t feel like you “have it together” like everyone else seems to. Even the best of us have horrible days. If you struggle with this, I think you’ll be encouraged by reading my free devotional, Woman of Strength.

How a 7-Day Time Log Helped Me Get My Daily Schedule Under Control

May 19, 2017 by Gina Poirier 2 Comments

As someone who is constantly struggling with time management, I heard about how keeping a 7-day time log can help you better visualize and manage your daily schedule. I decided to try it out and learned a ton! I created and used a printable time log, which you can access as part of my free resource collection.

I recently did a survey of my readers about their personal levels of stress. There was no shocking news; moms are generally under a lot of demands and pressure. The three areas that moms seem to have the most trouble with when it comes to their stress levels are:

Managing their regular schedule
Making enough time for recreation and personal growth
Financial stability

You know what’s interesting about all three areas? They all have to do with limitations in our resources.

Most of us know about limitations on money. There is only so much of it. Once you spend it, it’s gone—and if you go into debt, you will literally pay for it later. That’s why it just makes sense to track where your money is going and have a budget.

For some reason we have difficulty thinking about time in the same way: a limited resource that has to be budgeted.

Every time I check, there are 24 hours in a day, 7 days a week. Time is different than money because we all have the exact same allocation. But time is like money because we can track where it goes and plan how to spend it.

How a 7-Day Time Log Helped Me Get My Daily Schedule Under Control

Personally, I have always had difficulty budgeting my time. I’m the equivalent of a shopaholic; but instead of buying clothes I’m addicted to things like productivity and efficiency. I will squeeze every last drop out of a spare moment I have to get something done and checked off my list. But inevitably I overbook, I tend to take shortcuts, and I get frustrated and burnt out.

In the past year I’ve been doing a lot of research and heart work about managing stress and how I should be spending this very precious and limited resource we all have but often waste: time.

I came across a strategy recently that I found very intriguing: keeping a 7-day “time log.” It’s different than keeping a schedule. A schedule is what you plan to do; a time log is what you actually do.

Some people are familiar with tracking their activity at work because it holds them accountable to their professional expectations. In the same way, we all have certain expectations of ourselves in our home and with our families, whether we’re aware of them or not. So it only makes sense; why not check in with ourselves and see how we’re actually spending that precious time and measuring up to our own expectations?

So that’s what I did. I started keeping track. For 168 straight hours I monitored and recorded my activities on a simple time log. I started on a Friday because that’s when I got the whim, and I ended the following Thursday.

Here’s how this process helped me get my schedule and time management under control.

Getting Enough Sleep Takes Effort

Lately, as I’ve been trying to manage my own stress levels better, I’ve tried to be very aware of my own sleep patterns. Previously I thought that I needed about seven hours of sleep to function well; the truth is, after some experimentation, I actually do much better with eight. Keeping a time log illustrated for me in a very visual way what my daily routine needs to look like if I am going to get the sleep I really need. Essentially, I need about 2.5–3 hours from the time I start the kids’ bedtime routine to the time I am unconscious. That includes time to unwind personally and with my husband.

Things Take More Time Than You Think

In my head I must be much more productive than I actually am in real life. My imagination thinks that I magically put dishes away and take a shower and cook with lightning speed. What the time log taught me was that I am not a superhuman and that all those mundane little tasks take up a ton of time! And I need to plan accordingly if I’m not going to feel like I’m in a rush all the time.

Related: How To Rock Your Schedule

Taking Care of Kids is No Joke

Stay-at-home moms despise this question: “What do you DO all day?” Well, with my time log I can tell you exactly what I do. I spend approximately 9–10 hours each day ACTIVELY caring for my kids and for my home, including cooking, cleaning, and other chores; not to mention homeschooling, activities and all the other demands like teaching certain short people how to share. I was very particular about how I recorded this; any time that I spent relaxing or taking care of myself, or even watching a movie with the family, I didn’t count as “active.”

Oh, and I don’t get weekends off from this “momming” thing, although it’s slightly easier when my husband is around.

The point is, motherhood is more than a full-time job. Try keeping the time log, moms. Then show it to the skeptics.

Breaks Are Crucial

In addition to tracking what I did in the time log, I kept record about how I was feeling. If I felt anxious, I wrote it down. If I felt calm, I wrote it down. What I discovered is that if I’m not intentional about getting little breaks throughout the day, I start to lose my cool. I need some personal time three times a day: the first thing in the morning, at lunch, and after the kids go to bed. The morning and lunch respites are especially critical if I don’t want to turn into a bear by mid-afternoon.

The Daily Rhythm is Sacred

Call me a creature of habit. But the days that felt the best were the ones we were in a good rhythm and routine. When I get up at the same time, follow the same predicable schedule, and get a reasonable amount of work done with the kids and around the house, I’m generally feeling pretty satisfied. What’s more, the kids seem to be more at ease too. I know that not every day can be exactly alike, but I am more convinced than ever that routine, however loose or structured you like it, is key to sanity.

It’s an Ongoing Learning Process

Having said that, the ideal rhythm and routine within the home is always in flux. Perfection isn’t possible or really even the goal; finding different methods that work for particular seasons and moments in time is. For example, during the week I kept my time log, I had a particularly long grocery list and I had to take all three kids with me to the big box store. The whole excursion, from writing my shopping list to putting food away when we got home, took over two hours and was hard on all of us. I wrote a note on the time log that next time I take all three, I should better prepare them and myself for what that trip is ideally going to look like. However, each week my shopping plan varies slightly. I just have to adjust and do the best that I can to make it work.

What Next?

By the time my seven days were up I was more than ready to end my little experiment (my notes got increasingly less detailed). I learned a lot about myself and what gaps were in my daily routine that I could address accordingly when planning out my schedule each week.

I think ideally I’d like repeat this process again every few months, because when the seasons change, our schedules usually need to adjust too.

If you’d like to keep a daily time log, I can’t recommend it enough. Here are a few helpful tips:

Use a time-blocking system with 15-minute increments. You could just keep track on a lined piece of paper, but I just found it really helpful to visually see how my time was divided into increments each day. I made a handy little printable that was very helpful for me.
Keep notes not just about what you do, but how you feel. In particular, note when you’re feeling low or high energy, or when you’re feeling stress or various emotions.
Color code different types of activity. You can do this after you’re done recording. This can be a bit of a challenge if you’re like me and you multi-task, but just realize that it’s not an exact science. I ended up lumping “actively taking care of kids” and “actively taking care of house” into the same group, because I was likely working on both simultaneously.
Take the time to assess after you’re done. Otherwise there is no point to this exercise. Where are your stress points? What patterns do you see? What can you cut out (and what can’t you cut out?) Where are you wasting time? What do you need to add?

If you’d like to keep your own time log, you can download this printable, which is in my free resource collection.

Well, what do you think? Do you think a time log can help you get your daily schedule under control?

How to Get Your Mommy Butt in Shape

July 3, 2012 by Gina Poirier 2 Comments

Now that I’ve gotten your attention with an intentionally alluring and provocative title, I have a bit of a disclaimer: I am not in the most incredible physical condition. I’d probably die if I attempted to run any sort of race or play a competitive sport. I was a high school athlete, and let’s just say I know what it feels like to be at the top of my game. I’m not there.

But, I feel really great about myself physically after having two kids. I’ve received a few compliments and have been asked what I do. So, uh…here’s what I do.

This is me with my man, feeling like hot stuff.

First of all, it has never been a goal nor will it ever be a goal to have an amazing beach body. Why? A. I’m just not built that way, B. Who am I trying to impress? My husband already thinks I’m hot C. I’ve got more important things to worry about. D. Nothing short of surgery will undo what pregnancy did. Seriously.

My goals have much less to do with physical appearance than they have to do with all-around health. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20, NIV)

When I’m eating well, sleeping well, actively reducing stress and exercising, I feel like I’m at my best. I’m taking care of this fragile, amazing thing God gave me called a body, and – surprise, surprise – I have much more energy!

That’s the very brief “why” behind exercising. Here’s the how:

Aim for consistency. I try to get roughly 20-30 minutes of moderate exercise five days a week. If I miss a day, it’s not the end of the world and I’m still feeling pretty good.
Break up workout sessions into smaller increments. You really only need 10 minutes at a time (really!). Three 10-minute sessions in a day is sometimes more manageable than one 30-minute session.
Incorporate the kiddos. I figure any time they’re watching me exercise or doing it with me, they’re learning how valuable it is. I take them for stroller walks/runs. Lately James has been getting out and jogging beside me. I chase them at the park. We even do stretches together.
Do it with other adults. I’m much more likely to work out if I’m scheduled to do it with someone else. Plus I love multi-tasking – I have a lot of great talks with girlfriends while pushing the stroller around. I also go to a weekly Pilates class that my rock star personal trainer sister teaches.
Do a variety. I get bored easily, so I try to do a lot of different things. In the summer I’m all about being outside (except not lately! What is this, the heat of the apocalypse????) In the winter I do more workout videos.

Aim for balanced fitness. That includes doing a mix of cardiovascular workouts, strength training and stretching. For that reason I highly recommend Pilates and yoga, especially if you’re a mom. I had some pretty obnoxious back aches and pains after childbirth. Once I started doing Pilates and yoga regularly, I felt much better (because I was able to effectively strengthen my core).
Hop to it when the kids are asleep. It takes some self-discipline to wake up early in the morning, but I’m always glad when I do. Occasionally I’ll work out during nap time, although I like to reserve that time for other things (like writing this blog post).
Think outside the box – incorporate fitness into your lifestyle! There are a lot of ways to do this if you’re a mom. I’ll walk or run the kids to the park, do some strength training and stretching for a few minutes, play with them, and then walk or jog back home. In the winter, nothing beats pulling some dead weight adorable children around in a sled. You can also do little things like park the car farther away (except in this blasted heat, dang it!) and take the stairs (not recommended with a stroller). I also say that cleaning your house counts as light exercise.

As an example, here’s what I did last week:

Monday: 10 minute morning stroller walk/run to park (walking while James jogged beside the stroller for the last 5 minutes). 10 minute stretching and ab strengthening at park. Break (pushing kids on swings). 10 minute jog, then 5 minute walk home.

Tuesday: 30 minutes of Pilates (evening class)

Wednesday: 20 minute morning stroller run to park. 5 minute stretch. Break (lazily playing with kids). 15 minute walk back.

Thursday: Two separate 15 minute stroller walks.

Friday: 30 minutes of yoga early in the morning (Netflix streaming video)

Saturday: 1 hour of cleaning. That definitely counts for something!

You may or may not find this very useful, depending whether or not you’re a stay-at-home mom with two kids of stroller age. Inevitably my kids will get older, our schedules will change and I’ll have to change my fitness regimen. That’s why the last tip is so important – incorporating exercise into your lifestyle. Find a groove that works for you.

Any other ideas I’ve missed? What do you like to do (or what would you like to start doing)?

The Ultimate Time Management Guide for Moms

July 18, 2018 by Gina Poirier Leave a Comment

“How do you do it all?” My friend sipped her coffee and looked at me somewhat anxiously.

“Ummmm…I don’t!!!” Sheesh. Where did she get that idea? But she insisted I share some of my “secrets.”

I’ve been reluctant to tout myself as some sort of “expert” in time management. There are so many people out there who do it better, prettier, neater than I do.

But maybe you don’t need a perfect example. If you’d like a realistic, messy one, you’re in the right place.

Be warned: I am a struggling, lose-my-mind kind of mama just like many of us are. I don’t believe in perfect systems, I rely heavily on grace, and I have to constantly fight my perfectionism.

But I also know that there are some fantastic time management strategies and systems that really help.

So, because I’m actually pretty geeked about staying on top of things and because so many have asked, here are the best of the best tips I’ve got. If you’re not a “natural” at this, don’t worry. Good time management is a skill you can learn.

(Note: there is a lot packed in here, so be sure to pin for later if you don’t have time now.)

EveryGirlBoss.com

Disclosure: this post may contain affiliate links, which won’t change your price but will share some commission. See here for more information.

Starting with Your Why

Someone wise once told me: Your schedule shouldn’t run you. You should run your schedule.

That seems reasonable enough.

One of the biggest reasons moms get into a time management rut is because it feels like everything is out of control. And in truth, it is.

If you regularly find yourself bouncing from obligation to obligation, with barely any time to breathe—let alone think—it may be a sign that you need to reassess your why:

Why are you saying yes to commitments that drain you and your family?
Why don’t you have any time to connect with God, your husband or _________?
Are you really making the most of every opportunity (Ephesians 5:16)? Or are you just letting every open opportunity get filled?

Most of us have at least a general idea about what’s important. I bet if you sat down and thought about it, your priorities wouldn’t be hard to identify. But if things like God and quality time with your kids and community are important—and your schedule isn’t reflecting those priorities—then something is off.

I recommend taking regular time (personally, I prefer quarterly) to sit down and think about your why. Do it for yourself as well as with your family, to the extent you’re able. And then, record it. Here are some ways you can try:

Write a family mission statement.
Create a vision board.
Pick just one word.

Whatever you do, keep it simple and keep it visual. I post my word of the year in my kitchen where I see it daily. Otherwise, it will get lost and lose its meaning.

Exploring Your Planning Personality

One of the reasons I have a hard time teaching others about time management is because everyone is so different. What makes me tick may give you a panic attack. Perhaps coming up with a word of the year makes you want to scream.

I think it’s helpful and healthy to know what does make you excited. Checklists? Accountability? Giant paper planners the size of an old encyclopedia? Really cool apps? Freedom and flexibility?

Some people find security in having every task and every second of the day accounted for, while others need a lot of breathing room. Some are self-motivated, others need external accountability, while for others it depends on the moment and the task at hand.

Sometimes you don’t know until you experiment.

I’ve found The Four Tendencies framework extremely helpful in exploring what motivates people, which you can read more about here: How to Be Motivated: The Four Tendencies from a Biblical Perspective

Reading People by Anne Bogel is another very approachable way to look at personality types if you want to explore other frameworks including Meyers-Briggs and Enneagram.

Personality psychology is a fun rabbit-hole for me, but don’t let it overwhelm you. Even if you know a couple of basic tendencies in your personality, that can help tremendously when it comes to time management. Let your unique traits work for you, not against you, and give yourself permission to function differently than other people do.

Yes, Goal-Setting is Worth the Effort

Do you set goals? It can seem like a somewhat frivolous task, especially if you’re the type of person who sets New Year’s resolutions and then promptly forgets about them.

But goal-setting is an integral piece to an effective time management strategy because it’s a tangible way to prioritize your “whys.” For example, if you want to grow closer in your marriage, setting some goals about how you want to grow can carry you from intention to execution.

A lot of the experts recommend the “S.M.A.R.T.” goal system:

Specific: Goals shouldn’t be vague but detailed, including who, what, where, when and why.
Measurable: The more you can quantify your goal, the better: for, example, saving a certain amount of money.
Achievable: While it’s good to push yourself, goals should be something you can reach in the near future.
Relevant: Don’t just set goals because that’s what you should do. Only set goals that are directly related to you whys.
Time-Bound: As much as possible, work with a deadline, ideally within a year of when you set your goal. If you don’t meet the deadline you can adjust later.

I know, I know, it feels a little “businessy.” But this approach can be really helpful in your personal life.

If it feels a little overwhelming walking through this process on your own, there are a lot of resources available, including a mini goal-setting workbook in my free resource collection.

I also enjoy PowerSheets from the Cultivate What Matters shop. This is a beautiful workbook that I keep on my kitchen counter and refer to frequently to stay focused.

Budgeting Your Time as a Precious Resource

Until fairly recently, I was often frustrated with this sentiment: There just aren’t enough hours in a day to get everything done!

It was humbling to consider that the problem was not, in fact, with the order of the universe. Rather, the problem rested with my own discontent, lack of focus and poor boundaries and self-discipline.

Yeah. Ouch.

But the playing field is level for everyone. We all get 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, no matter who we are, where we’re from or what we do.

And while we can’t control all of our circumstances, we can control how we respond to them—specifically how we spend our time.

You probably know you should budget your money, but do you think of your time in this way? Money is tricky because we’re all working with different amounts. Time is a lot more predictable.

I find it most helpful to budget my time each week with a method called “time-blocking.” It’s something most of us do anyway without even thinking about it. If you have an appointment every Monday at 3 p.m., you’re essentially blocking out that time.

Do you similarly block out time for things that aren’t hard appointments but need to get done? Simple things like:

Grocery shopping
Cleaning
Meal preparation
Laundry
Time in transit

The key to making time-blocking effective is actually writing it down and making it visual. You can do this electronically or on paper.

If this process sounds overwhelming or you’re not sure where to start, I’ve found a 7-day time log to be very helpful in highlighting where each hour of the day can go. Once you track your time for a week, you’ll know how to adjust it in the coming weeks. (The printable worksheet below is also available my resource collection.)

You can also see an example of time-blocking in How to Rock Your Schedule.

Task Management

There’s a modern parable about a professor who demonstrated to his students how to fill a jar with rocks efficiently. You add the large stones first, and then the smaller stones and sand will fit in the empty spaces.

The same principle works with time. If you put your big “rocks” into your schedule first, you can then fill in the less important ones wherever they will fit.

Prioritizing tasks is where many of us slip up in day to day time management. This can especially feel like the case if you spend a lot of your time “putting out fires”—responding to your kids, replying to messages, and generally trying to prevent all the balls from falling.

It can feel impossible to stay on top of things, let alone get ahead and working towards your goals. Many moms find their to-do lists defeating because they tend to grow instead of shrink (and they rarely disappear!).

I think it’s important to keep a “to-do” list of what you want to accomplish, but it should be a tool that empowers instead of discouraging you.

There are a few of tricks I use that make my to-do list less guilt-inducing:

Break your tasks down into categories. I personally have five: home, work, family, home and personal. This feels a lot less overwhelming when I can see that I’m balancing these different areas.
Identify one or two top priorities each day. You’re not going to get to everything, so just focus on something. Be proud of yourself when you complete it.
Rewrite your tasks regularly. I rewrite a fresh to-do list each week. This helps me keep focused and rethink about what’s really important. I rarely finish my whole list from the previous week, but when I don’t transfer an item from one week to the next, it helps me see that it really wasn’t that important to begin with.

Habits, Routines and Anchors

Did you know that about 40 percent of what you do is done unconsciously out of habit? (Source.) It’s the reason you can mindlessly do things like brushing your teeth or driving to the same place while having your train of thought on something else.

Building habits is one of the secret tools to effective time management. The fewer mental calories you have to expend, the more productive you’re going to be.

That’s why it’s important to build high priority activities into your schedule at the same time each day or week. I personally have to work out and have my quiet times in the morning. Otherwise they just don’t happen.

Habit tracking can be an effective way to introduce a new habit into your daily life. There’s a modern legend about how Jerry Seinfeld wrote a joke every single day and kept track of this habit my marking an X on his calendar. His vision was to not “break the chain” of X’s. Writing a joke every day doesn’t guarantee a comedian’s success, and to my knowledge, Seinfeld never verified this story. But if it is true, it certainly didn’t hurt his chances!

For the same reason, routines are very powerful. In particular, the process you go through each morning sets the tone of your whole day. If your life feels like a mess, start getting it together by creating a more intentional morning routine. I highly recommend Crystal Paine’s e-course, Make Over Your Mornings, if you want a step-by-step walk through how to do that.

In addition to daily habits and routines, the concept of regular anchors in your schedule is a powerful way to better manage your family’s time and fit in those high priorities. An anchor is something you and your family practice on a regular basis, intentionally, beyond just daily maintenance. Some of the weekly anchors in my life include family night, a date with my husband, one-on-one time with one of the kids, and a day of rest.

Related post: 5 Benefits of a Weekly Family Night

Being Realistic and Giving Yourself Grace

Having said all this so far, I wanted to pause and offer a little reminder to all of my fellow control freaks out there…

Being a mom is time-consuming, no matter what your other responsibilities are. For some reason, a lot of moms feel pressure to be ideal caregivers while also running a home, supporting the family part-time or full-time, being great wives and faithful Christians, and staying sane.

I recently spent a week with my younger sister, who has two toddlers at her feet. She apologized for not being able to help more with dishes and I had to laugh at her—she absolutely had not extra time for dishes because her kids were too demanding and took priority. I was happy to be the primary washer of dishes, as I’ve graduated from that mind-numbing stage with my own kids.

We hate this, but as moms, sometimes we have to let certain expectations go and accept grace.

Plan your day…and then let it go, because it’s probably not going to go that way. And it’s okay. Remember, you schedule is not your master. You are the master of your schedule. And more importantly, God is your master. He sees it all, and frankly I don’t think he cares how many items you checked off your to-do list. Take each day as it comes, take credit for what you did accomplish (it was probably a lot!), and let tomorrow worry about itself (Matthew 6:24).

Related post: 11 Bible Verses to Banish Mommy Guilt

The feeling of busyness ebbs and flows with seasons. Sometimes schedules are more demanding at certain times of the calendar year, and you need to let go of cramming everything in. And sometimes the demands are for entire life seasons, like when you have an infant or toddler, an illness, or other long-term challenge.

Be aware, aim to be patient, and adjust your expectations accordingly.

If you fall of the wagon of being organized with your time, it’s okay. Whether it’s for a day, a week, a month or more, you can always pick up where you left off. In fact, having a good system in place prevents you from derailing as hard as you might without it. Time management strategies are there to help you, not make you feel bad about yourself or cause anxiety.

Discovering Your Favorite Planning Tools

This is the part that can be overwhelming but also fun: discovering which planning system works for you.

Up until a couple of years ago, my planning system was pretty messy. I had a wall calendar and a bunch of notecards on my kitchen counter, on which I would write everything from phone messages to grocery lists.

I’ve since discovered that there are much more efficient ways to do things!

Most of the “planners” you find in office supply stores are simply calendars with flowers printed on them, perhaps with a section for notes or phone numbers. This system is so obsolete—that’s what smartphones are for!

A high-quality, functional planner is so much more than a calendar. A calendar helps you not forget appointments, but a functional planning system will help with the following:

Brainstorming
Goal-setting
Daily time blocking
Task management
Assessment
Habit tracking

I personally find a lot of value in writing things down with pen and paper—it helps your brain process and retain what you’re planning, which is an important part of effective time management.

I’ve used a variety of planning tools, and currently I use a weird hybrid I sort of invented.

As I mentioned above, I use PowerSheets to help me brainstorm, prioritize and set goals. This workbook helps me set and reassess goals every month, as well as annually and quarterly.

I also use my Google Calendar as a way to track all of my appointments, as well as share them with friends and family as needed. Frankly, while I like writing things down on paper, my phone is convenient and won’t forget things as much as I will.

For task management, I loosely follow a bullet journal system. I like it because I can do it exactly the way I want to; plus I have a very small journal that I can fit into my wallet.

This is proof that it doesn’t have to be pretty in order to work!

At the beginning of each week, I write out tasks for different priorities in my life in my journal. On the busiest weeks I use a highlighter to prioritize which are most important. Every day I revisit my weekly task list and mark off items.

Next to my task list, I sketch out a time block calendar for the week. This is especially helpful when I’m really busy because it helps me visualize where I’m going to fit in my high priority tasks.

I’ve been experimenting with planners for a while now, and this is the system that works best for me. As I mentioned above, knowing your personality is helpful in determining the best system for you.

The very first planner I tried that helped me tremendously was the Living Well Planner, which contains a lot of the tools that will help you manage your tasks effectively.

Cutting Out Excess and Time-Wasters

So far I’ve talked about what to fit in to your schedule, but I’ve left out a very important piece: what to cut out.

You can’t do everything. Nor should you. This is the tough reality that I wrestle with every day.

If you know your whys and set goals, hopefully it will be clearer to you what makes the top of the list and what doesn’t. The tough part is taking action…and getting comfortable with saying “no.”

When you go over your schedule, fill in your top priorities first. Then be realistic about what time is left. Do you honestly have the space to add that extra sport or meeting or commitment? If not, give yourself permission to cut it out. It’s excess, and probably better left off the agenda.

It’s also worth mentioning that if you’re not careful, you can fill up your days with time-wasters that aren’t planned. How often do things like your smartphone and Netflix binging eat up your time? Again, a time log can highlight when you’re most likely to waste your precious time on things that aren’t high priorities.

Planning to Plan

Having a great planning system is all well and good, but it’s pretty useless if you don’t make the time to use it properly!

One of the most critical time management strategies is planning to plan. And planning might take more time than you think.

I personally set aside time (anchors, if you will) daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly and annually to assess my priorities and goals, manage my tasks and structure my daily schedule. Here’s a breakdown of what that looks like:

Daily: 5 minutes to go over my task list and time block when I’m going to fit certain tasks in.
Weekly: 30 minutes reassess my priorities and tasks for the week and sketch out a time block of my schedule.
Monthly: 1–2 hours to assess the previous month, look at my goals and prioritize what I want to accomplish in the coming month.
Quarterly: 1 or more hours to glance at “big picture” vision, adjust, narrow down what I want to focus on for 90 days.
Annually: Several hours, possible over several days, to take time in reflection about long-term vision and goals, plan for the year.

While I do much of this as an individual using my PowerSheets, I often include my husband in the conversation, as I’m not flying solo here. More and more I’m also including the kids, particularly at monthly meetings, so they know why we do what we do.

Building Your Life Around Rest

Pay attention now; this might be the most important thing you read in this whole article.

For far too long in my own life, I made the mistaking of “fitting in” most of my self-care around my schedule, whenever I had time to spare (i.e. rarely). The result, unsurprisingly, was a burnt-out, exhausted, cranky mama who did lots of things, but few of them well.

It took me awhile to understand rest the way God intended it. Rest (Sabbath) is at the core of the Creation story and has been a consistent theme throughout the biblical narrative. It’s not an add-on; rest comes first.

This means a whole new way of looking at the way I manage the time in my week. Am I putting my relationship with God and my spiritual health first? (Hopefully this is reflected in my vision and goals.) This goes beyond having Bible study; this means building my life around biblical rest for my whole self.

I created a toolkit, with a handy-dandy self-care checklist, that explores biblical rest if you’re interested in learning more. Trust me, if you’re new to this, it can be the most powerful change you can make to manager your time well.

I have a full e-course about the power of Sabbath as well, called Choose Rest

Now it’s your turn: do you manage your time well as a mom? Would you add any tips? What changes could you make to be better at time management?

How to Be Motivated: The Four Tendencies from a Biblical Perspective

December 9, 2017 by Gina Poirier 5 Comments

Hey friends! I’m super excited to share today’s post, which is packed full of info for how to be motivated based on your personality type (and how to motivate other people too). If you enjoy this and are looking for more resources to motivate and strengthen your faith, be sure to check out my whole collection of free resources.

As a coach and encourager, I think about motivation a lot. Whether I’m teaching an online course, leading a small group or even parenting my own kids, I frequently observe that some people follow through with expectations naturally…while others seem to rebel against the thought, ever! And everything in between.

I have a friend whose faith and maturity I admire tremendously. She was looking into ordering a daily prayer journal. While the journal was beautiful and she liked the idea, she nonetheless knew that once she had it in her hands, she would immediately resist using it.

Another friend loves learning about God and reads voraciously when she feels like it, but for the life of her can’t follow through with a daily Bible time, unless she’s in a study group.

Someone else I know is extremely disciplined about pursuing a hobby he cares about and will devote hours to filling out related spreadsheets. Yet a discipline of daily exercise? Not unless he finds a way he is convinced is right for him.

I personally can’t relate to any of these people.

There are other disciplines like eating healthy, family routines, keeping a clean house and so on. Some people seem to have no problem whatsoever keeping up. And some (most?) seem to incessantly struggle with at least one area.

While curious about why some people seem to be self-motivated and some aren’t, I’ve conceded that everyone has a different personality and complex reasons about how they’re motivated. And while that’s true to some extent…it’s not an entirely satisfying answer.

Is there an explanation for how people are motivated that’s actually practical and can help no matter what your natural bent is? There IS, according to the findings of Gretchen Rubin!

Photo credit: Pineapple Supply Co.

Disclosure: this post may contain affiliate links, which won’t change your price but will share some commission. See here for more information.

The Four Tendencies

I was so excited to stumble upon The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin because she has examined my questions with about a million times the intensity and a devotion to research.

She’s boiled down this aspect of human behavior—motivation—to be explained by how we respond to expectations.

Everyone has a tendency when it comes to responding two types of expectations: internal and external. Internal expectations are self-imposed, like fitness goals or household schedules. External expectations are things like work deadlines, meetings or what you signed up to bring to a potluck.

Based on how you generally respond to internal and external expectations, you can fall into one of four categories: “Upholder,” “Questioner,” “Obliger” or “Rebel.” You have a dominant Tendency as well as a secondary one.

One reason I love this framework is because it doesn’t value one Tendency over another. As Psalm 139:14 says, everyone is “beautifully and wonderfully made.” With an accurate understanding of your Tendency, you can work with your personality to be motivated and follow through, rather than wishing you were different. And by better understanding and considering other people’s Tendencies, you can gracefully accept them for who they are and learn how to communicate with them more effectively.

While The Four Tendencies isn’t explicitly a Christian framework, I see a lot of practical application. In fact, I find it helpful to consider what Tendency people in the Bible are because it sheds some light on how God works through each type.

Motivated by All Expectations: the Upholder

I’ll start with one of the more “extreme” personality types: the Upholder. This is the person who readily responds to both internal and external expectations. Upholders are generally self-starters, easily motivated and reliable. They love checklists and following rules. You want Upholders on your team because they will carry their weight 110% every time.

On the other hand, they can also be rigid, perfectionistic, uptight and impatient. In situations where the expectations aren’t clear, they can feel anxious and uncertain. They will even go as far to create the rules inside the rules when they aren’t clear. They can be judgmental of others who don’t think the way they do. While Upholders are usually aware of their own need for self-care, they can be susceptible to driving themselves a bit mad with all of their expectations, which may be reasonable or not. They also can be resistant to delegating or trusting others to get the job done.

I am an Upholder, through and through. My greatest strengths are also my greatest weaknesses. Being self-aware helps me recognize when I’m following rules for rules’ sake, and in turn can help me let them go—for myself and for others.

When I think of Upholders in the Bible, the most obvious one is Paul. As a Pharisee he was an extreme rule follower and was so passionate about the rules that he sought to persecute those who didn’t fit inside his box. But when he found grace in Christ, his world was turned upside down. Instead of being passionate about rules, he became infinitely more passionate about grace and the freedom it ultimately brings.

Other possible Upholders in the Bible: Abraham, Joseph, Abigail, Solomon, Martha.

Motivated by Internal Expectations: the Questioner

When I told my husband about The Four Tendencies, he was initially skeptical and expressed his distrust of personality frameworks. And he immediately confirmed my suspicions that he is a Questioner. This Tendency will follow expectations if those expectations make sense. Questioners critically examine all external expectations, and if they are deemed worthy, they will make them internal expectations and follow them.

As an Upholder, I love Questioners because they help me think critically rather than just following all the rules. They tend to do a lot of research and love the concepts of fairness, efficiency and effectiveness. Once they come to an internal conviction, they will stick with that conviction faithfully.

Questioners’ weaknesses are related to their strengths. They can be so data-driven that they can reach “paralysis analysis” and avoid making decisions altogether. This can be exhausting. But once they come to an opinion or decision, they can stick to it stubbornly. With their self-directed reasoning, they can also rationalize some strange ideas. To convince them otherwise you have to present them with extensive data, which can be frustrating.

A friend of mine who is a Questioner says that setting deadlines helps her avoid analysis paralysis and decision fatigue, and that has been freeing for her. Understanding this Tendency also helps explain the person who can never “take your word for it” or questions everything.

I believe that David in the Bible was a Questioner. When the Israelites were terrified of Goliath, he immediately questioned their lack of faith and had a firm internal conviction that God would have his back. I often have wondered how this same man fell into extreme sin later in life, like when he took a military census instead of trusting in God’s provision, or when he committed adultery and murder. His rationalization and stubbornness make more sense if you think of him as a Questioner who strayed (and fortunately came back once he saw his errors).

Other possible Questioners of the Bible: Gideon, Jonathan, John the Baptist

Motivated by External Expectations: the Obliger

There’s a reason that accountability and coaching programs are so popular. They work! Many people cannot be self-motivated with tasks and habits they know they need to do for themselves, like maintaining personal health, keeping house or being disciplined about completing a passion project. But if you present an external expectation like a deadline or a consequence for other people if they don’t follow through, Obligers are dutifully responsive. According to Rubin, Obligers are probably the largest group.

Obligers are reliable team players and are very responsive to others’ needs. But, unsurprisingly, they can be especially susceptible to overwork and burnout, as well as exploitation. In fact, if you push Obligers to their limit, they can actually slip into what Rubin terms “Obliger rebellion,” when they just stop showing up. If the outer expectations are too much for them to handle, they crumble because there is not enough internal motivation to carry them through.

While Obligers can naturally feel frustrated with themselves since they lack internal motivation, the great news is that the solution to being motivated is easy to identify! If you’re an Obliger and you want to be motivated, the key is to find an external accountability system. This can look different for every person, but if you can find a way to let someone else down by failing to meet an expectation, you’ll be much more likely to follow through.

I wonder if perhaps some of the more selfless people in the Bible were Obligers, like Ruth and Esther. While it’s difficult to know the motivation behind why they did what they did, they appeared to be very responsive and courageous when others needed them to step up. Perhaps Moses was an Obliger as well. At different stages in his life he appeared to be weak and cowardly, but when he had a clear outside expectation from God as well as from his community he was heroic. (He also seemed to have a couple of instances of Obliger-rebellion when he got pushed to his limit!)

Other notable Obligers of the Bible: Aaron, the Apostle John, Barnabas.

Not Motivated by Expectations: the Rebel

On the opposite extreme from Upholders are Rebels. They resist all expectations, internal and external. This Tendency is fascinating and befuddling to me, as it is my complete opposite. Yet some of my dearest friends are Rebels; I am drawn to them because of their creativity and authentic way of living, as well as their ability to think outside the box.

It can be frustrating to be a Rebel or to work with a Rebel because rules and “shoulds” do not motivate them; in fact, they are demotivating. Some Rebels feel energized by breaking rules just to prove that they can. This does not mean that Rebels are doomed to be slackers and slobs, but it does mean that they need to think about motivation differently than the other Tendencies.

Three things that motivate Rebels are their sense of identity, their ability to be free and the opportunity to step up to a challenge (they love to prove people wrong). For example, a friend of mine is very passionate about her love for her kids; she’ll go to the moon and back for them. But she has to maintain a sense of freedom when running her household; otherwise she doesn’t feel true to herself or her family. So she doesn’t do well with strict routines and schedules, but when the mood strikes she will do a beautiful job cleaning, organizing and decorating. If she finds a particular task challenging or frustrating, she’s wonderfully creative and determined to complete it.

When communicating with a Rebel, you can’t force them to do anything (even when you’re communicating with yourself). Rubin recommends the following sequence of information: information, consequences and choice. Present the Rebel with their options, explain the consequences of their decisions and then let them choose. If the desired outcome resonates with their identity and they have the freedom to choose it, they’ll come through.

Related post: Goal-Setting for the Lazy Mom

I’m pretty sure that Peter in the Bible was a Rebel. He was obviously resistant to outer expectations in the Gospels and struggled with inner ones as well, most notably when he denied Christ on the night before the crucifixion. But once he found his identity in Christ, he became a force to be reckoned with in the Book of Acts. (His name literally means “Rock.”) I’m sure he got a kick out of resisting the authorities, and it makes sense that he rejoiced when he was persecuted. Tradition holds that when he died he was crucified upside down at his own request. Sounds pretty Rebel-like to me.

Other possible Rebels in the Bible: Jacob, Samson, Jonah, the Prodigal Son, Mary sister of Martha.

I hope you find this framework as insightful and practically helpful as I have. Most people know what their Tendency based on these basic descriptions, but if you’re not sure you can take Gretchen Rubin’s quiz here.

I’d love to hear from you: what do you think your Tendency is, and how do you think understanding this framework can help you be more motivated as you live out your faith?

Should I Be a Stay-At-Home Mom? 5 Questions to Consider

February 23, 2017 by Gina Poirier 13 Comments

One of the toughest decisions I ever made addressed these questions: should I be a stay-at-home mom? Or should I continue on my current career trajectory? And then there are the even trickier questions: will I be hurting my kids with my decision? Will I be harming myself? What if I miss out?

Some people seem to have this all figured out from the day they are born (currently my own daughter wants to be a mommy when she grows up ❤️❤️❤️). But sometimes even now, I wonder what if I had done things differently? There isn’t an easy or right answer to the “should I be a stay-at-home mom” question.

A while back when I was blogging as a hobby, I fleshed out how I worked through the decision. The blog has changed quite a lot in five years, but I occasionally get a message from a reader who has dug through the embarrassing archives and discovered what I called the “Why I Stay at Home” series. And they really like it. I’m flattered, really.

So, I thought I’d polish it up a bit and repost. Hopefully, if you’re wrestling with those tough questions, you’ll gain a little insight from the 28-year-old Gina’s brain (so young and fresh, *sniff*). I took out the outright weird and grammatically incorrect content, but otherwise it’s pretty raw. Originally it was a four-part series, but now it’s in one post. Because I can. Set it aside for your leisure time, if you so desire. Enjoy!

Should I Be a Stay-At-Home Mom?

Disclosure: this post contains affiliate links. See here for more information.

NBC’s 30 Rock is one of my favorite comedies. You have to pay attention, or otherwise you miss half of the fast-paced jokes. One line that stuck with me from Season Four was Kenneth the page complaining in his hillbilly voice, “I feel about as useless as a mom’s college degree.”

I laughed…but then I had to wonder…

It was one of the many times that have caused me to ask myself, “What the heck am I doing???” This is my attempt to explain my reasoning, to myself and anyone else who is curious or contemplating the same dilemma: should I be a stay-at-home mom? Here are five questions to consider.

1. Can You Balance Two Roles?

If you have known me for a long time, you probably would have never guessed that my primary occupation at this stage in my life would be mom and housewife. When I was a child, I envisioned becoming an architect, a meteorologist, a teacher or a journalist. I was never one of those dreamers who fantasized about fairy-tale wedding, babies, and Barbie dream houses come to life. In school and in my extended family I was “The Smart One.” I performed well, got scholarships and attended a competitive public research university. I wasn’t entirely sure what I was going to do after graduation, but marriage and kids definitely weren’t in the near enough future that I was thinking about them much.

The first encounter that forced me to seriously consider my role in life was unexpected: my research in college.

I was an International Studies major with an interest in Eastern Europe and the former Soviet bloc. To make a long story short, women’s roles in this region have had a conflicted history in the past 100 years or so. As the 20th century progressed, most of them went to work, whereas traditionally their place was in the home. Communist leaflets and other literature applauded them for being great workers for the cause of the nation. For comparison, think of Rosie the Riveter and similar images that glorified the working American woman during World War II. At the same time, motherhood and caring for the nuclear family was highly honored in propaganda literature. Mothers of seven or more were even awarded a medal for pumping out more Communist citizens. Scholars have called these conflicting messages the “double burden”—the expectation for all women to be excellent mothers and excellent workers at the same time.

Still with me? Back to the present era: one day I was telling my mom about this fascinating double burden dilemma that Soviet women faced. I couldn’t imagine how they dealt with it—they must have often felt inadequate and exhausted. She just laughed. “Sounds like America to me.”

This troubled me. I had never thought about it. But I have thought about it—a lot—since I did this research. American women don’t see the same state-sponsored propaganda, but we do see subtle messages all the time (hello social media!). The feminist movement has promoted female equality in the workplace, the removal of glass ceilings and so forth. At the same time, the “American dream” image of the nuclear family and 1950’s-style home life still runs strong in our veins.

When my husband Marc and I started talking about having kids, I had a hard time envisioning working in an office full-time and being a mom. I knew that I would feel guilty about neglecting one or both of those duties. I wanted to fully commit myself to either one or the other. While some women seem to manage both responsibilities well and feel good about it, I knew I wouldn’t. So I started looking into alternatives.

Most of the moms I know who work full time have some amount of guilt for not having more time with their kids. It’s really tough. I do believe that you can be a great mom and have a successful career, but you have to have really good boundaries with your time and energy, as well as a firm grasp on grace to make it work. Otherwise you risk falling into an endless cycle of guilt.

2. What Delights You?

I’ve been reading a book lately called Living the Sabbath by Norman Wirzba. It’s complicated so I won’t explain it all here, but in it Wirzba discusses the concept of true “delight.” He differentiates delight from pleasure and amusement; delight has a relational component. For example, I delight in my son James when he sings me the ABCs or colors a picture, while I am amused with and take pleasure in watching American Idol. (Dated much?)

We delight in the things or people we are directly involved with, such as a great meal we prepare or with our best friends’ personal victories. There may be amusement and pleasure associated with delight, but something that is amusing or pleasurable isn’t necessarily delightful. These aren’t strict dictionary definitions, but I find this interpretation to be very insightful. Here is an example of the way God delights:

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.
(Zephaniah 3:17, NIV)

Moms wrestling with the “should I be a stay-at-home mom” question might want to ask: What do I truly delight in?

I worked fulltime when my firstborn was a baby. I was able to work a lot from home with assistance from a babysitter, but even then I missed out on things. One memory that sticks with me is the day he first started to crawl. He was at the babysitter’s house all day. When I brought him home and took him out of his carseat, I was astonished to see him immediately start moving. Marc and I were so impressed because he seemed like an old pro. But when I talked to his babysitter about it later so she would be prepared for his next visit, she said that he had been crawling all day! She hadn’t told me because she assumed I had already known.

I was sad that I had missed an opportunity to delight with my son in this big milestone. I know this particular incident probably didn’t affect him at all—but it affected me! What else did I miss that I didn’t even know about?

At that point in time we’d already made the decision to move across the country to be closer to family, increase Marc’s earning potential and decrease our cost of living. During the time since we made the move almost two years ago (as of 2012), my primary occupation has been motherhood, although I still freelance write in my spare time.

I am so grateful, because I know not every mom has the opportunity to do this. And I’ve had so many delightful moments. Now James is almost three—did I take a long blink or something? And my baby Jonathan is hardly a baby anymore. Sometimes I swear they get up from their naps and their clothes no longer fit. (Random aside from 2017 Gina: I just can’t even.)

For the last two months I’ve been keeping a gratitude journal inspired by One Thousand Gifts. Here are some of the delightful moments I’ve recorded:

The way baby Jonathan feels in my arms
Matching footie pajamas on the boys
James’ wide-eyed fascination with learning
Little hands
The way babies’ knees bend
Kisses with my boys
Baby laughter
James saying, “Guess what? I love you.”
Jonathan saying, “Hiiiiii!”
Jonathan toddling
Sledding with my kids
James smiling at me when I wake up
Messes left from play
James making Jonathan laugh
Jonathan waving his arms when he’s excited

I love delighting in my kids. I think they like being delighted in too.

As I look back now on many other delightful memories, it confirms that, for us, I made the best decision. I know that not everyone has the same options, but I will say this: if you have the opportunity to spend more time enjoying your kids, take it. As they say, babies don’t keep.

3. Will Leaving the Workforce Sacrifice Personal Fulfillment?

Before I start, I’d like to confess that I’m a little nervous about writing this section. My fear is that if you’re a working mom or someone close to a working mom, you’ll assume that I’m on a self-righteous high horse, condemning all working mothers and making them feel like awful people.

For the record, it is not so.

To all of you moms working outside of the home: I admire you so much—some of you are my best friends. You work extremely hard, you raise wonderful children and you deserve honor and praise. Some of you do it by choice and others by necessity. Either way, I am supportive of you.

Now then, what am I talking about here? Nothing more than my personal journey. To come to the place I’m at now, I’ve wrestled with a lot of difficult questions and made many small decisions along the way.

And now, the very scary question: will I sacrifice my own personal fulfillment in a career if I choose to stay be a stay at home mom?

The way I look at it, I spent 20 years of my life going to school to prepare for a career (yep, 20 years, counting kindergarten through grad school). While I wasn’t exactly sure what my occupation would be (I’ve bounced between church ministry, mental health services, nonprofit program management and writing), I wanted to do something meaningful. I wanted to look back at the end of my life and say that I contributed something good to humanity. And my career was a very tangible vehicle through which I could do that.

I loved my job when I got pregnant with my first child. LOOOOVED it—seriously, my dream job. I went to grad school to help me in this kind of position. I was the program director at a faith-based nonprofit start-up in Alaska. I worked with great people, advocated for causes I believed in and had a very flexible work schedule. I continued working there full time even after James was born, putting in many of my hours from home with help from a babysitter.

Why did I leave? Perhaps to your astonishment given the topic of this post, the primary reason wasn’t because I wanted to focus more of my attention on James. At the time we had lived in Alaska for almost four years, but none of our relatives lived there. Traveling was getting more difficult and expensive, and we wanted our kids to grow up around at least some of the family. Marc also wasn’t seeing a very inspiring future in his job and had an opportunity to step into the family business back in Illinois. So, weighing all the factors, we decided to leave my dream job and some dear friends behind so we could raise our family in the Midwest.

Would I have stayed at the job if we had decided to stay in Alaska? Actually, I’m not sure. I hate hypothetical questions. Circumstances often shape our beliefs and decisions. Had the circumstances been different, I may have made different decisions. But we live in reality, not in hypothetical limbo, so I’ll focus on what actually happened rather than what could have happened.

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps. (Proverbs 16:9, NIV)

I was three months pregnant with baby #2 when we drove across the country (I definitely don’t recommend doing that—my mom literally asked if I was insane). When we arrived, I found myself spending all day every day with a one-year-old, growing more pregnant, living in the basement of my gracious in-laws. So to pass the time…I browsed the classifieds for jobs???? What was I thinking?

The decision to be a stay-at-home mom was a process, not one “ah ha!” moment. When we arrived, it was the first time in my life I hadn’t been working or in school. If you’ve been skimming thus far, pay attention to this part: while I liked the idea in theory about staying at home full time, I feared what I would be missing. I’m not really a “kids person” by nature, and I felt like I had a lot of valuable professional skills and intelligence to offer. Would I regret not offering my skills and talents to the professional world? I wasn’t ready to let a traditional career go, even though I possessed a growing conviction and desire to be home. I tried to get the best of both worlds and searched for part-time work.

Fortunately (providentially, really), the chances of a pregnant woman finding part-time work—during a major recession—that paid well enough to justify putting two kids in daycare were extremely slim.

Note: you might be surprised by what you enjoy.

The longer I stayed at home with James, the more I enjoyed it. I didn’t miss working…at all. I got into a daily routine and completed tasks with the same mentality I had used in previous jobs. James and I went out into the community and connected with other moms, my “coworkers.” He and I also went on prayer walks together and spent a lot of time hanging around his grandparents and great-grandparents, soaking up their wisdom. I participated with and delighted in him as he learned to talk. We eagerly awaited for Daddy to come home so we could spend quality time eating and playing together. My unfounded fears of being a boring, purposeless homebody evaporated.

And in the end, almost unintentionally, I found some intellectual stimulation that used my talents and brought in a little extra income. I started writing online articles during James’ nap times. Copywriting wasn’t exactly in my field, but I picked it up quickly. And here we are. I will say this though: writing is definitely a secondary occupation, not a focused career like I once envisioned. I might keep it up for a long time; I might not. And that is fine with me. (2017 aside: I’ve kept it up.)

The moral of the story: through all this job-hopping, having babies and traversing the country, I’ve learned to stop compartmentalizing my purpose in life.

I will find fulfillment and purpose in whatever I do as long as I’m loving and honoring God and the people he’s put in my path. And so in this season in my life, I have chosen to pour my whole heart into serving my family. I’m not missing out on anything worth more than them.

Take delight in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 34:7, NIV)

4. Are You Thinking In Terms of Seasons?

I’ve heard this advice multiple times: different stages in your life are like seasons. The season with kids at home is relatively short. Let’s assume that for me, this period lasts for roughly 20–25 years, depending on if/when we have more. If I live to be between about 80 and 100 years old (with family history I have a decent shot of landing somewhere in there), that means that I’ll only have children at home for about 25 percent of my life span. Granted, I don’t remember much of the very beginning of that lifespan and I may be senile by the end of it—but still—my kids are only going to be kids for small chunk of time when I look at the big picture.

Some might argue that I’m missing out if I don’t pursue my career while in my prime. True, I suppose I won’t leave myself with enough time to become a Fortune 500 CEO (my lifelong dream…or not).

A friend of mine with two boys just watched her oldest son graduate from high school. I look at her and I think, she is not old! She just started working a “real” job recently (as if raising kids for the last 18 years wasn’t one). She’s got plenty of career ahead of her. I asked her if she regrets staying home, or homeschooling. No, of course not! She says she is so grateful to have had all of that time with her kids. It just slipped away so fast.

In fact, I’ve been asking a lot of seasoned mothers who stayed at home if they regretted what they did. Universal NO. And most of them have gone back to work later and done just fine. Some leave the workforce for a few years before their kids go to school while others leave it for a couple of decades.

I don’t know when I’ll go back to work, if ever. Who knows, maybe I’ll be able to develop my writing career further as my kids get older. Even if I wait until I’m fifty to get a “real” job, that still leaves a good fifteen years of working if I retire normally.

My oldest, James, is approaching his third birthday. While he’s not exactly filling out college applications yet, I can hardly believe I have this little person who is going to be a man before I know it. Even my baby Jonathan isn’t really a baby anymore – he walks, talks and pretty much thinks he’s a big person anyway. (Again, from future Gina: stop, young Gina. Just stop.)

So I’m going to enjoy this season while I can.

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:
  a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.
(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, NIV)

5. Can You Afford It?

In my original series I didn’t even talk about the costs associated with leaving the workforce, but I think they’re an important part of that decision so I’ll mention them…briefly. Some factors to consider when you’re crunching numbers include:

Loss of income
Loss of future income/benefits/investments/career growth
Earning potential of your spouse
Cost of childcare
The value of your time (professionally and with your family)
Costs of raising a child (does anybody really know???)
Cost of living and desired lifestyle
Potential for part-time or at-home work

My head hurts, you guys. I don’t think anyone can really truly count the cost of staying vs. leaving a career times the exponential costs of raising a child divided by the unknown plus the square root of your 401K. (I really should have been a financial analyst).

There are some things you just can’t put a number on. And that’s why, whatever you decide, you should step out on faith and just do your best to make it work.

In Conclusion

Dear friend, if you are wondering, “Should I be a stay-at-home mom?” I know it’s tough. I didn’t explore all of the potential questions that come up. You might not come to the same decision I did. It’s okay. I marvel at all the different ways that families work. This isn’t always an “either-or” question. Currently I might more accurately label myself as a “work-at-home mom,” which is a whole other can of worms.

My advice to you: pray. Pray for wisdom. Pray for clarity. Pray through your various options, dig into your heart and make a faithful decision.

Have you wrestled or are you wrestling with the “Should I be a stay-at-home mom?” decision? What have you learned? And what other questions do you have?

How To Manage Stress by Being Productively Lazy

December 21, 2016 by Gina Poirier 4 Comments

Looking to better manage stress in your life? Sometimes it takes what is counterintuitive. If you like this post, be sure to check out my free email course, StressLESS.

As a busy mom, trying to manage stress sometimes isn’t among my top priorities. There are mouths to feed, children’s lives to enrich, a household to manage and 7,403 others things competing for my attention at any given time.

At one pivotal moment as a young mom, I remember one of those days when we didn’t have anything on the calendar. So what did I do? Whipped out the to-do list, of course! I was on a roll all day long and got a ton done…until about 7 p.m. And then I pretty much became a vegetable.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only woman in the world who works herself into complete exhaustion trying to get it all done. But if I’m not in tune with my own needs, I just don’t know when to stop…until I practically pass out. I get stressed to the max because the work is never really all done. I feel completely exhausted and inadequate, unable to give an ounce more of my energy.

I felt especially bad on this particular day because I could barely peel myself out of my chair to put the kids to bed, let alone give attention to my husband, whom I’d effectively ignored most of the day. Oops.

So he and I talked about it. Fortunately, it wasn’t a despairing conversation. The problem was not how to work harder and get more done, but rather how to find a place where I could feel good about what I had already accomplished. Then I would still have time and energy left over to give more to my relationships. It was a mental adjustment, and I knew what I needed in order to make it: to chill out. Rest. As we like to say, have some “Sabbath time.”

Stress management is a topic I know a lot of women know they need help with, but taking caring of ourselves is usually the last thing on our list. It just comes with the mom hat: others first. Me last. But truth be told? When we better manage stress for ourselves, we become much better moms and wives. And people, generally.

Since this incident, I’ve pondered what it looks like to incorporate adequate rest into my daily and weekly schedule. And I’ve come to the radical conclusion: In order to manage stress and feel better about my time management, I need to be productively lazy.

How To Manage Stress by Being Productively Lazy

For as hard as I work, I have no problem being lazy once my energy level is zapped. But what do I do during my lazy time? Do I surf the web, watch TV, or just zone out? Nothing is inherently wrong with those things, but if I don’t use my down time to recharge my own batteries and get refreshed, then I’m setting myself up for failure later. Here’s what I mean:

Example 1: I’m decompressing after a long day by scrolling through Facebook on my phone, taking those worthless personality quizzes or reading dumb articles. So I stay up half an later than I intend, sleep in the next day, and start the morning grumpy because I didn’t get up before the kids.

Example 2: For an evening together after the kids are asleep, Marc and I binge watch our favorite shows on Netflix. We have no meaningful conversation, stay up too late, and feel distant from each other the next day.

Example 3: I get up early to work out, read the Bible and have some time to myself. Instead of meditating or praying I start thinking of all I have to get done…and I begin the day feeling stressed.

Example 4: I’m doing dishes so it’s technically not “down time,” but the kids are occupied elsewhere so I at least have my thoughts to myself. I start thinking about how hard my day has been or how lonely I feel being home all day or how I’m missing old friends and family…and I start down the road of negativity, which deflates my spirits for the rest of the day.

Since my lazy time is limited, I want to be sure that I’m making the most of it in order to manage my stress. Yeah that makes perfect sense, right?

Productive laziness can include mindless activity like TV and social media and random thoughts, but it cannot consist entirely of these things. I do much better when I limit myself. When I’m doing well, I’m not watching an hour or more of TV every night. I’m limiting social media to no more than five to ten minutes at a time. I’m taking control of my negative thoughts and finding more positive things to think about. I’m putting the to-do list away temporarily (even the mental one).

What Productive Rest Looks Like

Productive laziness often includes conversation—with my family, friends or God. It doesn’t have to be deep conversation, but it has to be something besides (or at least in addition to) staring at a screen together.

Productive laziness involves taking care of myself. That means I allow myself to sleep if needed, I enjoy good food, have a long shower, exercise in ways that I like, and just sit and be quiet and peaceful.

Productive laziness is positive and refreshing. I like to read and write. Occasionally I play the piano, go for a walk or grab a latte. Some people like to do art, garden, work out, do puzzles, or work on a hobby. Negativity is not allowed!

Productive laziness takes discipline. I know. I contradict myself. But it’s true. You have to at least think about it a little bit. And even plan it. And ask your friends and family to watch the kids.

Productive laziness takes priority. Perhaps the dishes need to go undone or the laundry needs to wait. They’ll be there for you later!

When I’m productively lazy, I don’t feel guilty about “me time.” What’s more, I don’t need a whole lot of it! Once I’ve been refreshed, I’ll be more motivated and energized to get back to my tasks—and be more productive. I’ll also be a better mom, better wife, better daughter/sister/friend. And while there might be toys scattered around the room or dishes in the sink, I’ll generally not care so much.

How’s your stress management going these days, mama friend?

Are there some small changes you can make to add a little more productive laziness into your schedule? Yours doesn’t have to look like mine. Leave a comment and let me know what helps you!

And remember to check out my free email series on managing stress, StressLESS.

A Day in the Life of a Homeschooling, Work-At-Home Mom

September 9, 2016 by Gina Poirier 2 Comments

Disclosure: this post contains affiliate links. See here for more information.

I get asked this a lot: how do you have time to homeschool, raise your kids, work, sleep, have a life, and not go insane?

I’m not entirely sure I’ve figured out the sanity part, but I do think that most days I have a good rhythm going. I work about 10–15 hours a week from home. I’ve said it before, but if I didn’t create a schedule, I would feel a lot less equipped to handle the chaos that comes my way every day.

I thought it would be fun to share a little bit about what it looks like in our home on a typical school day. So I took record on a Monday in August, the second week of our homeschool year. By then we had settled into our new routine for the season, but the excitement of new beginnings had worn off.

I’ll note that this was a pretty good day for us. No one was sick and there were no major disruptions to our routine. This is not always the case. However, I think having a good baseline like this day makes it a lot easier on the days when we get off track. At least we have a target to shoot for.

Are you ready to see inside my day (and my mind?).

A Day in the Life of a Homeschooling, Work-At-Home Mom

6:00 a.m.: My alarm goes off. Perhaps my three-year-old, Grace, heard it because she comes toddling into our room and climbs into bed with me. I decide there is no reason to rush through snuggling. She falls back to sleep in my arms, and I gently return her to her own bed before I get up and get dressed.

6:25: I go down to the basement and do a painful HIIT workout, courtesy of Kelli and Daniel from Fitness Blender. I mute the sound on the workout and listen to the Brilliant Business Moms Podcast. Today I’m listening to an interview of a mom who sells cute “baby turbans” and I can’t resist the urge to see what they look like once I’m done with my sweat-fest.

6:55: HELLO COFFEE.

I sit down and enjoy finishing up You’re Already Amazing by Holley Girth. I need to finish it before I meet with my book club tomorrow night. Words for the day: “What we’ve been talking about isn’t making our lives perfect. Instead it’s about learning to turn to Jesus when our hearts feel restless, to have the courage to be who he made us here and now no matter what, to cross the finish line into everything he has for us in eternity with a smile on our faces, knowing we ran well every step of the way” (p. 179).

7:15: I start a pot of steel-cut oats because I didn’t eat so great over the weekend and it sounds healthy. I’m grateful it’s still quiet in the house.

7:20: Oh, hello again Grace. I pick her up and we go back to the bedroom and do a little morning prayer with my husband.

7:30: I get Grace some cereal and yogurt and sit down at my laptop, rifling through emails, social media and news. My oatmeal is ready; I add yogurt, raspberries and pecans.

7:50: Those sleepy boys, James (age seven) and Jonathan (age five), are finally awake. They say goodbye to their dad as he heads out the door. I make them toast with peanut butter on it along with orange juice. They watch a few minutes of JellyTelly while I finish reading the news and eating lukewarm oats.

8:15: I suppose I need a shower. We all get ready for our day, although I realize that the kids have been goofing off while I was rinsing off. I look them in the eyes and remind them they need to stay on task and be obedient. They do their morning chores, which include making their beds, feeding the fish and unloading the dishwasher.

9:00: We start off our homeschool day on time! Small victory. We say a prayer and the boys work on memory scriptures; we take a quick look at our calendar. Next we do reading: the boys each pick a book to read aloud while the others listen.

We go down to our basement to focus. James starts his writing and handwriting practice while I help Jonathan with his own handwriting (he’s a beginner!).

Some people ask me how I manage to teach different kids different things. We try to stick together when we can (like listening to each other read); otherwise I just alternate between assisting them. Both of them can do a little bit of independent work, and if they are finished, they can find something to do (Legos are popular) while they wait. It works well because it breaks up the workday a little bit. As they learn to do more independently, they will have less down time. For now, Grace seems very content to listen to the books when she can or play with her toys. Occasionally I’ll give her a coloring worksheet or have her do ABCmouse.com for a few minutes.

We have some watermelon as a snack and alternate working on math. Then we do a little bit of Latin and we’re done for the morning! Soon we’ll have more work to do in other subjects once our spelling curriculum arrives (Mommy ordered it late, cough cough), and when our Classical Conversations group starts up this week.

10:30: The kids play while I prep our lessons for tomorrow. Then everyone cleans up.

11:00: We go outside and I decide I should attempt pulling some weeds for the first time in…a while. The kids ride their bikes around our cul-de-sac. I realize too late that the mosquitos are devouring me while I kneel in the grass. After awhile we are all red-hot and sweaty, and after a short stint in the shade we decide to give up on the whole endeavor. During some of the downtime sitting in the shade, I’ve managed to catch up on a few emails and social media.

11:45: I “make” lunch, which to the kids’ delight is leftover pizza (plus steamed veggies, so I feel like a better mom). I make myself a ham sandwich with a side of watermelon and carrot sticks. In between bites and bits of conversation I read through Building a Framework by Abby Lawson (highly recommended for bloggers who need a plan!).

12:35 p.m.: I pull out the vacuum and do the upstairs carpets. I’m sticking to my no-fail cleaning schedule this week.

12:50: I play dolls with Grace and the boys join in. We spend considerable time debating what the dolls’ names are.

1:10: It’s time to resume our schoolwork. I like to remind the boys that I doubt that kids in a school building get a 2 ½-hour lunch break. I help the boys with their piano practice and then sit down for a few minutes of English grammar with James. Then we all cuddle on the couch as I read aloud from Beverly Cleary’s Socks.

2:10: The boys have “quiet time,” while I read a story to Grace and then put her down for a nap. I don’t care what they do during this time as long as they don’t bother me. They are allotted an hour of screen time collectively starting at 2:30, which usually includes Minecraft for the Wii U and perhaps some ABCmouse.com.

This is my work time! Today I’m doing a mix of copywriting for a client and some blog work (seemed like a good time to work on this post!).

4:20: “Quiet time” has evolved into wrestlemania, and Grace is awake. I need to start prepping dinner, so I throw some rice in the cooker and chop up veggies.

4:50: We all head to James’ soccer practice. Hypothetically I could try to read, but Grace wants to me to push her on the swings and take selfies together. Priorities.

6:15: We’re home from soccer and I rush to make dinner. It’s family night, which means we need to hurry up and eat so we’ll have time to watch a movie! I throw together a new concoction, trying to imitate Chipotle burrito bowls.

6:50: Everyone sits down to eat. Fortunately the concoction turned out AWESOME, so that’s going on the “make again” list.

7:05: The kids FaceTime with their 19-month-old cousin while we try to hurry our cleanup efforts. I throw some chocolate chip cookie dough in the oven and my husband makes the best popcorn ever.

7:45: Movie time! Yikes, pretty late to start, but the kids and I are all in our pajamas so we can scurry to bed afterwards. Tonight’s feature is Rookie of the Year, because apparently we needed a 90s movie fix.

9:30: Weeeellll, it’s only a half hour past the kids’ bedtime (hopefully they’ll sleep in tomorrow?). We say prayers as a family before the lights go out. Marc and I spend time together catching up on the day.

10:30 Sweeeeeet sleep.

What a day! It’s a full life, but I wouldn’t want it any other way.

So how does your day look like in comparison? I’m curious to know! If you want to catch some more of our everyday moments, I’d love to see you on Instagram!

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How To Make Peace With The Busy Life

June 28, 2016 by Gina Poirier 3 Comments

Disclosure: this post contains affiliate links. See here for more information.

I heard a lesson once during a Bible study in college that has stuck with me through the years. We were discussing how to balance a hectic college schedule that included a challenging course load, employment, church and ministry events, some amount of social interaction and of course the ever important needs to sleep and do laundry.

The lesson went something like this. Imagine that you need to pack an empty fish bowl full of rocks. The rocks come in many different sizes, from one that takes up over half the bowl, to many small pebbles and grains of sand.

If you put the sand and the small pebbles in first, they fill up the bottom of the bowl fairly quickly. Then when you try to put the bigger rocks in, you have a difficult time fitting them within that defined space.

Of course, if you’re wise, you’ll put in the largest rock first and work in the rest of the rocks in decreasing size. You might be surprised with how much you can fit into that little space if you’re methodical about the way you arrange everything. Put the pebbles and the sand in last, and you’ll have a much easier time of it.

The bowl represents your life—specifically, the natural constraints of your time and energy. And the rocks are all of the activities that fill up your days. The size of the rock is symbolic of its importance, according to your personal values.

Are you putting in the big rocks first? Or are you constantly wrestling to fit everything in the bowl in the wrong order?

I’m not a college student anymore (and I thought I was “busy” then??? HA!). I’ve found that over the years, those pesky pebbles have grown increasingly demanding for attention.

For as long as I’ve been alive, and for millennia prior to that, there have always been twenty-four hours in a day, seven days a week. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished away this simple fact of the universe…couldn’t we just add a little hour here or there?

Making priorities in my day-to-day life is hard and continues to get harder as my kids grow up. I’ve battled with the “busy life” for as long as I can remember.

Recently it occurred to me that maybe I need to stop battling. Life is busy, period, and wishful thinking will not change that. I just need to think differently about how I’m arranging my rocks. Do you relate? Then consider the ways you can make peace with the busy life.

Life to the full

At some point I came across what I believe is a false promise: that if I just do less or have fewer demands on my schedule, I will finally have peace.

But as I’ve said, I have NEVER not been “busy” to some degree.

Jesus proclaims in John 10:10 that his followers will have a full life. He does not say an “easy” life or a “convenient” life. In fact, as I wrote recently, we shouldn’t necessarily avoid stress because it can be good for us. Jesus does promise rest: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). But it isn’t because we’ve just cleared our lives of everything and are settled into early retirement. We feel restful because we have a shifted perspective and are trusting him with our burdens, not because we’re avoiding living a full life.

Understanding your rocks

Okay, so the first step to peace is surrendering our burdens by trusting God. What this means practically is faithfully prioritizing our lives and believing that God will fill help us fill in the gaps.

If you’re like, “That sounds great…but how?” —I’ve got you covered. Take five minutes and try this exercise, prayerfully. Write down the major categories of priorities in your life. Some suggestions include:

Faith
Marriage
Kids
Extended family
Community
Health
Home
Work

Under each category, write down the tasks that contribute to each priority. For example, if marriage is a priority, then going on dates with your spouse is a task that fits under that category. If health is a priority (as it should be), then specific self-care tasks could fall into that category. If kids are a priority, then family time and all of their activities fit into that category.

Be sure to make a mental note about which categories rank higher than others. This won’t be a perfect exercise because life naturally isn’t this compartmentalized, but it can be helpful. For example, my faith, marriage and kids are my top priorities, and everything else follows.

It doesn’t take long to paint a quick picture of what’s important to you. Suddenly all of those little things that cause unnecessary anxiety are recognized for what they are: small rocks.

Setting healthy limits

The book Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No, To Take Control of Your Life was a life-changing read for me. I first read it over ten years ago and read it again recently. The lessons are invaluable: learning to say “no” to the things that just don’t fit into the picture of a full life. I highly recommend you read this if you struggle with saying “yes” to everyone and everything.

When you’re planning your schedule (and trust me, you need one), keep those priorities handy. When something comes up, ask yourself: is this a big rock or a little rock? If it’s not as important as your other tasks, say no. It’s as simple as that. Or, see if you can fit it in at a different date.

For the past month, my household has been crazy busy with birthday parties, Father’s Day and visits with extended family. It has helped me immensely to remember that family and kids are among my top priorities, so I have said “yes” to a lot of partying and celebration. All of it makes me feel exhausted, so I have also prioritized some “rest periods” to help my little introverted soul recover. The result: my house has been just a notch below disaster at times, and I haven’t gotten around to household projects. But these are lower priorities, and I will add in these small rocks later when the higher priorities aren’t so demanding.

And, most importantly, I’m trusting that where I drop the ball, God will fill in the gaps.

Okay, your turn: do you battle with busyness? What do you need to shift in your perspective so that you can make peace with the busy life? I’m also thinking about creating a free printable for the priorities exercise—would you find that helpful? Let me know and I’ll get to work on it 🙂

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Why Stress Is Actually Good For You

May 27, 2016 by Gina Poirier 10 Comments

Disclosure: this post contains affiliate links. See here for more information.

“What words to your mind when you think of the word ‘stress’?” I asked this question at a women’s devotional the other night (because obviously I was going to write a post about it!).

The women didn’t have a clue about what I was going to talk about, and here are the answers they gave me:

Overwhelmed
Anxiety
Anger
Under the gun
Negativity
Critical
Strangled
Bulldozed

I had to laugh as the answers got increasingly violent! What words come to your mind? Without knowing in advance what anyone would say, however, I wasn’t all that surprised that the answers were generally negative.

We are conditioned in thinking this way, are we not? Stress is bad for you; it causes all sorts of health problems; you need to decrease its presence in your life if you are to be a happy and healthy person.

This had been my mindset until very recently. If you’ve followed me at all regularly (especially in my newsletter updates), you might be aware that the last several months have been “stressful” for me. I’ve broken down a few times; I’ve talked about being in survival mode; I’ve worked hard to get a better grip on my schedule so I could have more sense of control in my life.

In the midst of all of this, I came across this book at the library:

I was intrigued. Very intrigued. (Yes, I am the type of person who picks up psychology research and reads it in their spare time for pleasure.)

The book, The Upside of Stress: Why Stress Is Good for You, and How to Get Good at It, completely transformed the way I view stress in everyday life. The author, Kelly McGonigal, is a professor of psychology at Stanford, so she kind of knows her stuff. I had a hard time believing its message at first, but the many case studies cited in this book can’t be ignored.

Defining Stress

It’s a broad term; I get stressed out when I have to pick out paint colors for my basement remodel. Other people get stressed out when they are forced to flee their homes and live in refugee camps. Can we even define these experiences under the same umbrella?

Yes, says McGonigal. While stressful experiences can vary widely in their extremity, they can all be beneficial in some way. So, broadly and simply defined, “Stress is what arises when something you care about is at stake” (p. xxi). Whether it’s something silly like paint colors or something life-altering, it counts because it affects your state of being.

Perception Matters

Have you ever been to a stress management workshop? I have once, when I was working fulltime before I had kids. We learned all sorts of stress management techniques like deep breathing and setting limits, learning how to unwind, blah blah blah. Many workplaces offer similar trainings with the underlying assumption that stress is bad and it must be managed in order for workers to maintain high productivity.

Well guess what? You know what the biggest factor is when it comes to handling your stress successfully? Your perception of stress itself!

One of the case studies in the book examined employees at a company undergoing major changes, including massive layoffs. All of the workers were in a stressful situation, fearing for their job security as well as taking on larger workloads with the cutback in the workforce.

Most of the employees observed went through stress management workshops. Some of them were told that stress is bad and that they needed to keep it under control. Others were told that stress is good and was helping them stay motivated and grow in their skills. A control group did not undergo any stress management training.

So who do you think handled stress the best? All of the employees were under the same amount of stress. But in follow-up surveys, the ones who had received the positive view of stress did markedly better than the ones who had received the negative view. In fact, the employees with negative training did worse than the employees with no training at all!

Why is this? When you believe that stress is bad for you, here’s what can happen:

You’re more likely to seek distraction instead of dealing with the sources of your stress head-on. You avoid your feelings.
You’re more likely to turn to addictive behavior to help you cope (alcohol, food, excessive spending, etc.)
You’re more likely to withdraw from the relationship or the problem that is causing the stress.

But when you believe that stress is good for you:

You’re more accepting about the stressful situation being your unavoidable reality.
You’re more likely to plan a strategy to help you deal with the stress instead of just avoiding it.
You’re more likely to seek help and advice from others.
You’re more likely to look at the situation in a positive light and see how it can help you grow.

So…Why is Stress Good for You?

Okay, this all sounds well and good, but what about all of those studies that claim that stress is bad for you? Which view is correct?

McGonigal explains the fascinating history of the science of stress management. It all started in the 1930s with a Hungarian endocrinologist (hormones specialist) named Hans Selye. In short, he tortured a bunch of rats and observed that they died. So he drew the conclusion that “stress” was very harmful to your health. It was a little more complicated than that, but not much. So yes—extreme stress can obviously be harmful. Selye went on to be nominated for the Nobel prize and authored the first official guide to stress management. Interestingly, however, by the end of his career he tried to clarify that stress in itself actually isn’t bad; it is more complicated than that. But it was too little, too late. The field of “stress management” has been flourishing for decades.

In truth, the way your body responds to stressful situations is quite a marvel. While the book itself isn’t spiritual in any way, I think there are myriad spiritual implications. There’s a reason God created us with stress responses! They are healthy and they are GOOD.

Pretty much everyone has heard of our bodies going into a “fight or flight” response. And that is true; anyone who has every been in a car wreck can tell you how time seems to stand still and your senses are immensely heightened—so that you can focus all your energy on handling the situation.

But stress response is more complicated than that. What about ongoing situations? What about the aftermath of an emergency situation? Our brains go absolutely wild with hormones in different stress scenarios. McGonigal narrows them down to three types of responses:

Rise to the challenge: you focus your attention on the situation; your heart is pumping; your senses are heightened; you mobilize your energy; you’re more motivated; you sweat; you might be anxious or excited.
Connect with others: your “prosocial” instincts are ignited; your inhibitions and fears are dampened; courage increases; you reach out to connect with others; you become more sensitive; you have a strong desire to support, protect and defend people (parents, can you relate?).
Learn and grow: after a heightened response, your body strives to restore balance; it processes and integrates the experience and your brain literally grows; you replay the experience in your mind over and over to better understand it; you have a mix of emotions.

Hmmm. And we wonder why God made us this way?

McGonical points out that people who embrace stress well have more meaning and purpose in their lives. Even those who have been through severely traumatic circumstances can emerge as incredibly strong and even heroic people. That doesn’t mean that we need to seek out our own personal torture, but it does mean we shouldn’t be stressed out about…being stressed out. Stress is the way we exercise our brains and become stronger people.

Just having this perception and knowing what is going on with your brain and body can make a huge difference in how you process the stressful experiences in your life.

God Said It First

As I was reading this book, it dawned on me that—hello—this is not shocking information. Because it was in the Bible all along. For starters:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2–4)

In other words,

Trials (i.e. stress)–>Perseverance–>Maturity

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. (Romans 3:3–5)

In other words,

Suffering (i.e. stress)–>Perseverance–>Character–>Hope

You know who probably understood this best? Jesus. He was pretty stressed out in the Garden of Gethsemane before he was crucified, praying and crying and sweating like a maniac. In fact, he was probably pretty stressed out his entire ministry (the only times he could get a moment to breathe by himself was out in the wilderness or on a mountain top!). And yet, he endured it all, so that we might follow his example:

…Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:1–3)

When he calls people to take up their crosses and follow him (Luke 9:23), he doesn’t promise that it will be easy, or that it will be pleasant. A stressful life is a godly life. In fact, a stressful life is just life, period. We can try to run from it, or we can embrace it. And now even science says we should do the latter!

Ever since I first discovered this stress theory, I haven’t had less stress, but the perception of how stress is helping me grow has helped a lot. I hope that it also helps you.

How are you going to respond to stress, now that you’re equipped with this information? Do you think it’s accurate?

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All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™